Marsden is Here

This is not the journal post I planned (hoped?) to be writing this weekend, but Stuff Happened and here I am.
Beyond that large parts of this are not exactly what I had mentally outlined when I sat down (hours ago :o ) but getting these thoughts out where I can see them was the point of the exercise.

~~~

( work/life/money )

[A quick bash out, things aren't quite as dire as they may read]

Yesterday (Friday) was the last day at work for the year. There's a skeleton crew next week leading up to Xmas but I'm not officially back until January 11th.

I say "officially" because I was back in the office today (Saturday) to make up some hours for the week, and will be next week to finish off my end-of-year cleanup. Weekend visits have become quite regular, partly because I am trying to clock more hours to earn more money and partly because life keeps getting in the way of me competing my targeted, or even my contracted hours during the week. My body clock continues to be uncooperative, and a steady stream of appointments and misadventures have been sucking away at my time as well. (For example D has sprained her shoulder for the second time this year, same shoulder, different muscle.)

I also say "officially" because I intend to spend several half-days in the office over the next few weeks off-the-clock dealing to a project which is eating at my sanity but just isn't going to get done on paid time. It's big but a lot of it is also a rebuild and I hope I can get most of it out of the way.

Combined with the long list of other things which need to be done over the "break" - including some which weren't able to be dealt with last year because we had the kids and I had limited computer access/time, and some which were just shoved into storage in the crush to get moved, and some of which are just "spend quality time with my wife" and "catch up on some webcomics/computer gaming/other me time which has simply been pushed aside" ... although I plan to take things more gently than usual I don't expect the demands on my time to recede to the point where I really feel that I am "on holiday" for more than the odd day which I dedicate to "not anything" .. and odds on those are going to be sabotaged by something.

Speaking of moving, another of the things is "find a new rental by the beginning of February, as close to Rolleston as possible". This is proving unlikely to improbable; in part because landlords really want a year-lease and we don't expect / can't /afford/ to be renting for more than 6-8 months, with prices where they are for the amount of space we "need". So there's the stress of conceptual homelessness.

The build is another sore point, the contract we signed with the building company was to begin work /on site/ in November and yet practically the end of December and they have not yet managed to get the plans into council for consent. (Which also means our mortgage approval is up in the air...) It's not clear to me if the building company are the ones stuffing us around or if as they claim the developer of the sections is stuffing them around / being incompetent by not having information on the land which is that entity's responsibility to supply.

I'm leaning towards both actually. Anyway this close to Xmas/NY shutdown means best-case scenario consents won't be done until mid-January .... which means work may start in February ... we can not actually afford this. We are not actually bleeding money as much as we were (and /that's/ going to change going into a more expensive rental) - but summer has a lot to do with that. The longer things drag on the less likely we are actually going to be able to afford to finish the build, and basically lose everything.

And even then if I can't get my f*&^ing S&^t brain/bodyclock sorted out to work better hours we're not going to be able to pay the mortgage either, because I haven't been managing the hours the calculations are based off and we will have /no/ free capital and /no/ wriggle room in said mortgage for emergencies or even unexpecteds.

So I actually really need to be able to work on recharging and resetting this break. Which is ironically why there are so many things which need dealt-to, as I've identified each of them as taking up mental/emotional resources which I want freed up.

[deep breaths]

The same thing we do every day, fight the ennui and despair with distractions* until we are past exhaustion."
"But what if we are past exhaustion** to start with brain?"
"Then we're fucked, and not in the good way***."
( ya-snip )

Giving is a major part of my life. Probably the greater part of it is invisible; charities I regularly support, flybys on givealittle and so forth but to be honest I find these less satisfying than what I can do directly for those around me. Making someone's life immediately better even if only for a short time kicks off one of the few emotional highs remaining to me. You can argue about whether than makes it altruistic giving or not elsewhere, I don't care. What is important to me is that there is less stress in a persons' life at frankly, little substantial cost to me.
- pad your groceries? People who have full stomachs are happier, healthier and think better.
- top up your bus card? Represents pocket change to me, to you might represent the freedom to leave the house and get to where you want/need to be when you want/need to be.
- covered an unexpected shortfall? Luck comes in good and bad, I have plenty of the former so please let me share it with you.

Life does not treat everyone equally, but it is within our power as people to redress the balance. Especially those of us to whom it has been more than fair; and I think compassion demands that we do so. Some people prefer to argue from a position of self interest - make sure other have (just) enough and they won't be motivated to try and take what you have to redress the balance. That's better than building fortresses ("gated communities") and hiring guards to keep the mob from the door I suppose.

I can understand how a person who has had to struggle, work and fight their whole life to get above the line and stay there might not be able to let go of that mindset, no matter how much success they achieve it may be that in their own mind they will always be poor and one unexpected bill away from disaster. But I also know that there are many who do not fall into that trap and having made their way to a comfortable position do a great deal to try and help others do the same. That makes much more sense to me - having been there how would not want to get other people out of the situation once you have means?

I am not one of of these; the metaphorical spoon in my mouth may not have been silver but it is less through my own efforts that I am where I am today than the gifts afforded from from my parents' hard labours. And so I can understand how, up to a certain age, a person can be raised simply not cognizant of the harsh realities of life for many. In the modern world my sympathy for that mindset runs out a year or two after they have reached university and should have had the opportunity to start taking a critical look at the world around them.

As always grateful that again, life has been more than fair to me and my sympathy for the struggles of others is born of intellect and a sense of fairness than hard personal experience.

So we come back to the position where I have- more than enough and so I endeavour to share my good fortune. I give this less than I would like; for two reasons
- Rationally I do need to keep putting some aside for my own future. How much is arguable, but I am not at the position where I can absolutely soak a large expense (such as the one about to be incurred for drain replacement) just yet, and I have no certainty that NZ's welfare state will be in a condition to look after me in my old age.
- it occupies not just the physical resources but also time and energy.

On this latter we have as a society theoretically harnessed the specialisation of labour to handle this. We pay takes to a central organisation (government) and one of the things they are supposed to do with them is make sure that if life treats us poorly we are looked after to a not-uncomfortable standard. In the meantime our money is (supposed to be) used to look after those who life is currently treating poorly. This should free us from the greater part of a need to worry about the circumstances of our families, friends, acquaintances / strangers.

Our current government is rejecting that part of it's duties (granted it is not the first to do so). Instead of going directly - in cash or in kind - to people who need food and shelter significant amounts of "our" money are shown to be being spent propping up companies that by National's own market ethos should probably be allowed to fail / take their business elsewhere, or paid in bribes to already wealthy individuals in countries where corruption is blatant, or siphoned off as indirect subsidies to private accommodation providers and old-boys-network businesspeople who are already "above the line".

One result of this is that I - multiplied by who-knows-how-many-others - have to spend more of my time and energy personally directing resource to the people I can see in need, and relying on the voids which are charities to be doing the right thing just to help regular people when they should be able to focus on those who positions are truly dire. And in some ways that /waste/ pisses me off just as much as seeing people around me living in poverty and the mis-appropriation of public money.

I am one person of good but still moderate means. I cannot do enough to even scrape the surface. I can feed a few people but I cannot house them. Organisations which have been set up explicitly to address the issues and channel the contributions of people like myself are barely scraping the surface. Central government is actively and deliberately following policies guaranteed to make the situation worse while benefiting those who already have more than enough.

My local council is one of the largest providers of social housing in the country (an operation which is currently being strong-armed to privatisation by central government). I occasionally encounter people who state vehemently how they are against their rates being used for such a purpose. I have no time for this attitude. Homelessness and poverty have both local and regional aspects and I absolutely expect our elected representatives at all levels to work together at the task of redirecting a sufficient portion of our taxes to those in need (rates being pretty much the closest we have in NZ to a formal tax on land even if they are not particularly responsive to capital gains).

Taking care of those who do not have the means to take care of themselves I consider the first duty of a supposedly democratic government. All else follows from or supports that. In doing so, for those of a more right-wing bent, people are freed to be more productive and contribute their best to society and the future rather than burning our all - and in the case of those who turn to crime, others all as well - just to survive.

[deep calming breaths]

The point I was getting around to is actually about the visibility of giving. This morning I posted quickly in my FB and Tumblr

When we talk about “give and take” why is the implication always that the giving and the taking are between the same two entities?

If I am in a position to give freely what someone needs why is it expected that I am expecting something in return? If you are in want of something why should it have to come from someone that already owes you or that you are then expected to owe?

Much better that we all give what we can when we see a need, and try to make out own desires visible without guilt or suspicion for others seeking to fulfil them - or be it necessarily with the the acceptance that there may not be anyone who feels they are in a position to do so.

I know a lot of people above and below the line, and plenty of those have moved from one side to the other and sometimes multiple times over the years. I am fairly public about much of the personal giving I do, not because I desire the plaudits (although they are nice) but in an endeavour to set an example to others above the line who may meander across my trail. To make giving freely visible and accepted, because I alone cannot make a lasting difference.

~~~
Related reading: that came through my Facebook feed while I was typing this up: How we got Here

I am trying to take this week easy, not because of any lack of things to do but because my emotional energy levels have reached critically low levels. To the point where last evening I found myself lying in bed enraged and repeatedly rehearsing responses to a completely hypothetical situation generated by my own brain.

I had not even noticed that was a thing which had /stopped/ happening as I got "better".

( crash )

~~~
In unrelated positive news, installers will becoming around tomorrow morning to measure up my house for solar panels.

I have been fighting off a series of attacks by self doubt recently, centred around work and (lack of) relationship as usual. Today has been particularly bad. Dammit I did not need an existential crisis right now.

~~~
( work )
~~~
( other )

So some of you might know we've had two major tagging attacks on the hall in the past week.
http://marsden.minus.com/mSnyanaCe/ http://marsden.minus.com/myZWvkYud/
Today I was in there to supervise a student film project when one of the students runs up to me to tell me there were people in the building upstairs. (They had stopped to ask about a way in.)
When we found them (they hid where I went through the area they were in and I wasn't through :( but fortunately I had stationed Mel to watch the foyer) they first claimed to be with the crew then legged it, getting out the back and evading us long enough to reach the driveway, scoot across the road and get on a bus heading towards the mall. One of them gave me the fingers as it went past.
Mel noticed and mentioned later that one of them had a cap with "Duck" on it the same as the most recent lot of graffiti.
I have to be calm for an online meeting right now and I am still shaking with anger.

Today was fairly busy. Grocery shopping this morning, followed by a green-bin worth of weeding & digging over the revealed section of the vege garden, mowing lawns, tidying the woodshed (first pass anyway), knocked my RSS backlog back down to size.
Read a book (read another one last night and another the night before as it happens, practically unheard of). Watched some TV. Washed the dishes.

It's all been quite relaxing, ( except )

I am attempting to top up my T-Stick using your online service. It says quite clearly at http://www.telecom.co.nz/mobile/yourmobile/topup "Top up your XT Prepaid Mobile or T-Stick online" (with fuel-gauge graphic adjacent) and "Top Up Now" on the button below

Clicking the button takes me to a page where i can enter my credit card details - so far so good. However completing this page does not allow me to top up my T-Stick online. Instead the instructions tell me to call my mobile phone and follow the top-up procedure using the displayed voucher number.

Of course this will add the credit to my mobile phone, not to the T-Stick! The specific wording of the instructions implies that there is an option for selecting a different phone number somewhere in the menus but I have been unable to find it. Instead I had to press "3" for PROBLEMS (which is almost funny) and your help-desk was able to apply the voucher number - and tell me this was the -usual- process for "topping up online".

However 3 escalations later they were still -unable- to tell me
a) why the website - and their scripts - insist that it is possible to "Top Up Online" when it is not.
b) who was responsible for this situation
c) who is going to be responsible for fixing this situation

And by fixing this situation I do not mean changing the website to make it explicit that you can not in fact top up online. I mean actually adding the functionality that will let me and all your other T-Stick and similar users add credit to our devices directly from your website. We should not have to have access to a -phone- to top up our -mobile internet-. We should not have to -spend time waiting on the phone- until we reach the front of the queue for your call center!

(For all I know the functionality is already there, and just the links are wrong. How easy would that be to fix?)

Yes there are other mobile internet providers in NZ. I reluctantly chose Telecom because on the rare occasions I need mobile broadband you have the best coverage. I'm sorry the rest of your support structure does not match up.

~~~
Quite appropriately, the stereo is playing the following from the CrüxShadows right now
once we have a promise
twice we have a curse
three times is impossible
and four times even worse
once we have an accident
twice we have a fault
three times is delinquent
and four times is the fall