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I am trying to take this week easy, not because of any lack of things to do but because my emotional energy levels have reached critically low levels. To the point where last evening I found myself lying in bed enraged and repeatedly rehearsing responses to a completely hypothetical situation generated by my own brain.
I had not even noticed that was a thing which had /stopped/ happening as I got "better".
Little things seem like big issues again, potential future threats blown out of all proportion by the relative proportion of my diminished capacity it takes to process and deal with them. Minor frustrations and mis-communications become betrayals of trust (and we know I have trust issues at the best of times). Although my calendar seemed relatively clear this morning it suddenly looks overwhelming again with the reminder of a significant event this weekend and other potential commitments being asked for, even though those latter won't actually take effect until late April/early May.
Possibly compounding this I treated myself to some gluten-pastried custard square over the weekend and my tolerance seems to have dropped so far that that small amount has resulted in two nights of sweats and twisted, out of control dreams. My sleep has not been aided by oh-ghod-o-clock callouts to the Hall three of the past four nights (and a very late night the other due to hosting a party which, while my mood held better than it has at many previous, still ended in disappointment).
Somehow forgetting to take my antidepressants two nights in a row in there probably hasn't helped either.
The big project I have been smashing code against for most of the year at work I got to pass back to the client for comment stage last week which theoretically frees me up to clear up a bunch of smaller things, no pressure this week. And I actually made good headway on some this afternoon in the few hours I managed to spend there. (This morning was just not a happening thing and I very nearly didn't make it in. Which might have been better for me but only if I had managed to spend the time closing other loops of uncompleted - even unstarted - tasks which are preying on my mind.)
I'm very grateful to my friends who have endeavoured to keep me positive through FB, and bits of company over the weekend. But to complete the trend of "fuck, I'm back here again" the thing I'm having to battle the most is despair that all I have to curl up in bed with is a pillow and a little black cat who is far more demanding than giving of attention, and right now I have so little left to give and so much want to receive.
~~~
In unrelated positive news, installers will becoming around tomorrow morning to measure up my house for solar panels.
I had not even noticed that was a thing which had /stopped/ happening as I got "better".
Little things seem like big issues again, potential future threats blown out of all proportion by the relative proportion of my diminished capacity it takes to process and deal with them. Minor frustrations and mis-communications become betrayals of trust (and we know I have trust issues at the best of times). Although my calendar seemed relatively clear this morning it suddenly looks overwhelming again with the reminder of a significant event this weekend and other potential commitments being asked for, even though those latter won't actually take effect until late April/early May.
Possibly compounding this I treated myself to some gluten-pastried custard square over the weekend and my tolerance seems to have dropped so far that that small amount has resulted in two nights of sweats and twisted, out of control dreams. My sleep has not been aided by oh-ghod-o-clock callouts to the Hall three of the past four nights (and a very late night the other due to hosting a party which, while my mood held better than it has at many previous, still ended in disappointment).
Somehow forgetting to take my antidepressants two nights in a row in there probably hasn't helped either.
The big project I have been smashing code against for most of the year at work I got to pass back to the client for comment stage last week which theoretically frees me up to clear up a bunch of smaller things, no pressure this week. And I actually made good headway on some this afternoon in the few hours I managed to spend there. (This morning was just not a happening thing and I very nearly didn't make it in. Which might have been better for me but only if I had managed to spend the time closing other loops of uncompleted - even unstarted - tasks which are preying on my mind.)
I'm very grateful to my friends who have endeavoured to keep me positive through FB, and bits of company over the weekend. But to complete the trend of "fuck, I'm back here again" the thing I'm having to battle the most is despair that all I have to curl up in bed with is a pillow and a little black cat who is far more demanding than giving of attention, and right now I have so little left to give and so much want to receive.
~~~
In unrelated positive news, installers will becoming around tomorrow morning to measure up my house for solar panels.
