Marsden is Here

This has been sitting in draft for a while, being completed by increments as I found the time and energy.
~~~
Although it was our turn to have the kids for Xmas this year L had elected to stay only until after Xmas. As travelling without him is much easier D had spent a large amount of her triennial paycheck on a package deal family holiday at Hanmer Springs for the four of us.

( Belated write up )

Thoughts in vaguely structured order.

17th of Sept (a Saturday) was the memorial service for D's mother, who passed away at the beginning of August. D. flew up at the beginning of the week to spend some time with the boys and help with organising. E, myself, and my Mum flew up on the Friday. One evening during the week I helped out formatting the service sheets via a google doc.

( Friday/Saturday )
( Sunday )

Today was Settlement day. So, the past two months, one property at a time.

( Gladson )

( Dalwood )

( Rental )

~~~
And that is only a summary of only the property-juggling dramas in our lives the past two months; but I'm not going to write any more in this post. It's getting late and I still have to pop back to Gladson this evening [listens - in the rain..] to put out the big green bin for collection; and tomorrow to put away the standard size green bin which will have replaced it.

On January 11th D. and I proclaimed our commitment to each other in front of a gathering of family and friends. On January 13th we sorted out the paperwork in a registry wedding (which was planned for the 10th, but doofus here left it too late making the booking). From January 13th - 16th we were on honeymoon.

( Lead up )

( Ceremony and after )

( What we did on our honeymoon )

On July 18th my father passed away from cancer, ~6 weeks after we got the diagnosis.

He didn't want a funeral, but today there was a memorial service for him. He didn't want that either, he would have been embarrassed to think that ~160 people plus apologies would take time out of their lives to remember him.

I think the best description is paraphrasing something my mother said last weekend

"He never saw himself as anyone special, just an ordinary man making his way through life as best he could. But while there may not have been many who loved him, there are a lot who he helped along the way and who respected him."

As the eldest son of course I spoke, in truth bits of what I wrote have been floating around in my head since he had a minor heart attack last year.

One of my father's lesser-known pastimes was writing poetry. I don't know if he did it often, and it wasn't something he shared with me. But when the mood struck him he was quite the wordsmith, and I imagine he set about it with the same quiet determination to turn out something worthwhile that he demonstrated in every other area of his life.

This, this is rough.

~~~
I might not say I am my fathers son.
Different hair, different nose, very different life.

But children have come into that life and I have found
that reflexively I speak as he did. Same words, same tone.
So it is I come to reflect, what other considered virtues
might have been seeded and set by that quiet example.

You and I Dad, we never bonded over stories of your youth.
And my sisters got the farming genes, I became a townie.
Yet you were a constant presence, just a call away.

Supportive even when we differed,
Providing considered advice when asked.
Prepared to let us make our own way in life
But supporting us any way you could.

Willing to help anyone when the opportunity arose,
I believe you showed me that there are
two sides to every story.
That life requires those with different abilities
working together to make our worlds go around.
How to listen to points of view outside my own.
And to leave things better than I found them.
Not to be afraid of new ways of doing things,
To focus on getting the job done,
And to be steady in the face of a crisis,
Not being concerned with recognition for these achievements.

It's not possible to talk about you for long Dad
without bringing Mum into it as well.
How deeply you cared for her and she for you has become more obvious
as time has passed, and perhaps as I have grown to understand
That a person could not have greater examples
of two people who worked
to support each other through thick and thin.
I know life wasn't easy on the farm, you and she (and the grandparents before)
Have worked harder than I ever have or will.
And I know the fruits of your labour given freely, have shaped my course more than anything else.

Although much of your time was spent managing the generations of sheep and deer
Our family was your true life's work.

And I know you felt that maybe you didn't spend enough time with us when we were young.
But you made up for that with your grandchildren, the photos have captured
Just how much of a bond you had with the young. Even three then not yet officially part of the family
Quickly adored and respected you when you met.

I've said it before and I'll say it again,
the more I learn of other peoples parents
the more grateful I am for my own.

You weren't big on emotion Dad, not in front of us anyway. I can count on one hand the times I recall you visibly upset.
And I was responsible for some of that. But I never recall you holding onto anger.

So although the time has come when we can no longer sit and chat
and the end came too quickly, I never got to say these words to him.

Today I stand here and say, I am proud to be the son of my father.

~~~

Thank you Dad. I miss you.

Embedding doesn't seem to be working, but there is a memories slideshow here

Reading my state-of-me from the beginning of last year I am in an amazing different place. Now a great deal of this is down to the presence of one particular lady (D) in my life, but the overall trajectory was upwards. Mind you I was in a pretty bad space to start with and through at least the first half of the year if my writing is to be believed.

Stream of consciousness as reading through 2017 journal entries.

Standing desk - still going. Cat has mostly ignored her box in favour of perching between me and the rightmost monitor and demanding attention; cause of quite an amount of frustration over the year. Later in the year I upgraded the leftmost monitor to an actual monitor donated by my neighbours during a garage sale and this has made quite a difference.

I have not opted to (attempt to) switch to a standing desk at work.

Speaking of work although my hours have improved dramatically at least over the latter months of the year my ability to accurately estimate and complete work to-time has if anything been worse. Partly this may be that
- I am dealing with more complex projects, or
- that I am no longer making /simple/ mistakes or that our in-house code base has been rewritten multiple time with ever more abstraction by one of the other programmers so when something isn't working it is taking me longer to find out /why/
- I am taking more time to write up provide our clients with clear instructions for the use of their systems

I am investing more time in planning out projects at the request-for-quote stage in hopes of solving this next year. It feels awkward; I'm still locked into an out-of-whack mental model somehow but I have at least come closer to identifying the exact mental block.

Finances: During the first half of the year I made good progress at putting aside the money for the next stage* of house renovations. About July I took a calculated gamble to help bail out some young acquaintances who had run into difficulty; this did end up costing me significantly more than originally expected (and continues to) but they are mostly in more stable positions and self-supporting now. (After some unrelated expenses this month I expect to be able to start rebuilding my week-to-week base and saving again in February.)

* I say "stage" but it's become apparent that this will have to be practically a complete internal refurbishment; from wall insulation through redecoration ceiling-to-floor and redoing the kitchen. Savings will not suffice; I expect the mortgage to be painfully large again at the end of it.

Managed a little reading through the year but not as much as I would have liked. There are still columns of RPG books and a couple of novels sitting on my bedroom desk waiting. There are also still tasks on my to-do list from January last year which are still outstanding. But D has been visiting from Wellington over the Xmas/NY period and although this has meant a lot of time in companionable activities we are now getting into a pattern which reinforces time and motivation to be productive for both of us.

Social: there were quite a few social events throughout the year as represented by the many photo galleries published. However the distribution was a bit different; while there were many of the same people attending the context was less KAOS-specific and more KAOS-adjacent. I found myself categorising many which I would once have automatically put in the KAOS folder as events either hosted by friends who happen to have been KAOS and are now more-or-less out in the real world, or by friends who I met through their attendance at some KAOS parties but whose lives and primary social circles are elsewhere.

Hosted the 48 hour party for a second year; event was again a success.

Gaming: My Broken Kingdoms game continues, we had a little player turnover during the year and have changed day. I think there is about a year of play time left in it but a great deal depends on the directions the party choose to take at this point.

The other group I play in regularly went through a couple of mini-campaigns and is currently on an indefinite hiatus although I hold out hope for a restart in the new year.

I /finally/ managed to write up the final chapter of the Anthony saga from a few years ago.

Board games were regular; I did sacrifice a lot of SAGA nights in favour of working late and there were a lot more which really didn't do anything for me. The couple of events I hosted were poorly attended. I did sign up for Board game arena so D and I can play online (especially in the evenings as we wind down from the day in our respective beds).

Hall: my commitments weighed heavily particularly through the middle of the year but have eased; particularly with one of the other team members freeing up to supervise bookings again. Significant progress was made on several working bee projects; the credit primarily goes to A and friends but it has been good to see.

National events: the big one of 2017 was the general election. I wrote a couple of other things after the event.

The life updates I've posted so far this year have all been pretty shit. As is often the case when I've had enough positive energy I've been too busy trying to get things done to take or make the time to update here about day-to-day stuff. Facebook really has claimed that space in my life; although even there it is mostly a stream of articles and links about what I have read today online that I consider important, and jottings from gaming sessions.

There are still many things I could be attending to instead of posting, but someone worth writing about has come into my life and her presence and support is helping me get back on track. Yes, I have fallen into a relationship with a lovely lady of about my own age, based in Wellington but that's not an insurmountable issue in this age of electronic long-distance communication and affordable plane travel. We have just spent the better part of a fortnight in the same city (a trip arranged pre-relationship around other circumstances) and I was surprised at the feeling of loss as she walked out to the plane home; I am very cautious about letting myself feel too deeply too fast for anyone but apparently she managed to sneak something past my guard ;)

Positive impacts on my life and ability to do stuff include
- talking on the phone in the evenings winding down my brain for sleep
- wake-up calls and encouragement to get out of bed in the morning
- the "companionship" segment in my life filled in enough that life rolls a little more like a wheel and a little less like a triangle
- various topics and triggers of angst not having anything to get a grip on any more
- an overall improved feeling of wellbeing

Some of these will also be due to the season and increased daylight hours; and of course I'm not miraculously un-depressed. My sleep quality is still pretty rubbishy and quantity required still high. Anxiety about my performance at work has actually jumped even as I have found more reason to be there and work better.

But. Enough mental cycles have freed up that I am looking towards and thinking about the future with an energy that I have not had for a long time.

Happy days.

~~~
In other news
- my Monday gaming group has wrapped up for the moment; work and other commitments taking some of us away from the table.
- my Sunday game continues to progress although again real life means making some adjustments there.
- I've managed to slightly dent the reading pile.
- Friday just past was the 13th and I hosted another Gothic Vampire party (last year the opportunity was missed). There were fewer people than I had expected; but most seemed to be having a good time
- LBTC Gytha continues to be herself
- One of the Hall rabbits (domestics "released" into the grounds by someone at New Years) crossed the road and got itself picked up and taken to the vet by a neighbour; so we now know they are not microchipped and may be one step closer to rehoming them.
- We might just about be on top of the spring growth at the Hall this year; working bees have managed to be almost-monthly although it is still rare that anyone other than the Rovers and myself show up.
- I have had some issues with the number of requests for Hall time we've been getting from people who seem to think we're open 24/7 at the drop of an email.
- I've kind of given up on managing it myself and started paying someone to deal with some of the gardening and such.

This long weekend I spent at a family reunion. Sparked by the current owners of the High Country station my (paternal) grandparents and parents built up having constructed quite a cosy wee lodge looking up the river as part of their tourist operation, it at some point became a thing that the three kids (my aunt, father and uncle) and as many of their families as could make it should all get together up there for a couple of nights. There were in the end only a few missing from the assembled tribe although some were only able to stay the first night.
( family things )
Will link scenic photo gallery here when it is done.
Scenic photo gallery

Ref this OotS comic . Also disclaimer for wee-small-hours rambling.
~~~
( personal blah )

One of the things on my to-do list for this holiday was to step back and assess my life from the new vantage provided by higher mood. To see what looks different from up here and what new options may be visible; to see if there is anything old or new I now feel it is within my power to change for the better.

This post pulls together some of those thoughts.

( insecurity )

( procrastination )

( fear/pain )

This post has felt like forcing myself open from the inside and I've procrastinated more than a little while writing it, but I think I have reached some insights. Still more yet to come, later.