Marsden is Here

Last evening I attended a fairly convivial flatwarming drinkies where I managed to complete the find-all-the-things (20 symbols hidden around the flat) game going on about 30 minutes ahead of anyone else, netting some chocolates and 400 "badass points to do with as you will". Unfortunately no (in)decent opportunities arose to take advantage of that. (What else would I use them for?).

Unfortunately by the time I got home my mood was ebbing and the rest of my night was broken not only by the sort of dreams where one wakes up covered in cold sweat but also by a completely unnecessary 2:45am phone call which whil eit dragged me out of a dream I was not enjoying was nevertheless not an improvement.

I can't remember the details of that first dream now but the second was perhaps unsurprisingly filled with anger and frustration although the targets were forces and people outside my control, particularly economic and government/social.

The last was running (which included the superleap-glide combo one often gets in dreams) to try and stay ahead of a zombie-virus which was outbreaking. Most of the population of the city (wherever it was) had been infected by a dormant version which was now being activated by an airbourne vector but the active virus could also be spread by touch (starting as a rash). The front created by the airbourne vector spreading outwards was what I was trying to keep ahead of but only just keeping pace with. There was a lot of treetop/rooftop/walltop jump-gliding as well as trying to get over or past infected groups (which retained humanlike intelligence just with a very specific goal) without being noticed, often this included entering a building which may-or-may not have an active contagion and trying to get through and out the other side before the inhabitants were affected.

Fortunately the zombies were fairly easy to disable with small amounts of stabbing (often with cutlery) but that still meant they had managed to get dangerously close. There were a number of incidents of meeting/teaming up with people who were not infected/active only to have to stab/kill/evade them as the virus was contracted or became active.

I did get infected as the virus which was apparently developing some form of hive-intelligence started infecting wolves and one of them managed to superleap onto my back in mid air. Attempts to kill myself by biting down on home-made bullets I'd acquired from someone in the process of succumbing earlier failed but apparently I was not entirely human or something (in the dream just before the virus outbreak I had been some form of lower-social-class ape creature) and the virus was taking longer than usual to affect me.

I managed to make it out of the city with a flying leap over a steep slope which although I could glide down into the sea/lakeside wilderness beyond it was such a distance that safe/gentle landing was in no way assured (or likely) after which I was likely to be lying helpless until I either died (properly) or fought off the virus. I woke up at that point though.

~~~
When just about finished typing this up the first time the damn cat decided she was going to walk across between me and the laptop without care for where she was standing and managed to step on the F5 key wiping it all.This is how I discovered the Lazurus plugin while installed is apparently not working in this browser and is responsible for a sharp decline in my mood, as a consequence of which my next actions are not going to be write up the three sessions of On the Road I am behind but go back to playing Wizardry VI: Bane of the Cosmic Forge which I purchased from GOG.com a couple of days ago.

Dreams (the night-time variety) .. one can leave you feeling relaxed and happy, the next can turn around and leave you shattered and broken. If they'd happened in the other order I'd feel better.

It is probably the after effects of a week of widely fluctuating emotions in response to a series of events - from nigh exhilarating highs to gutting comedowns. Also a week where I pushed myself somewhat at work and while I am happy with the time spent and with the quality of my code I still did not complete the results I was aiming for, at the cost of tiring myself out.

So today I feel broken and hurt and alone, and have a bad case of the "don't wanna's" which means I only* managed to drag myself out of bed because I have commitments to meet this afternoon - this will get done as will probably some other things which sort of /need/ doing but the things I had planned to do today are probably dead in the water.

* Also because lying in bed moping wasn't going to increase the chances of someone turning up on my doorstep to "distract and comfort"** me - but then neither is dumping and angsting in my journal.

** totally a euphemism

A month or so ago I jotted in my tumblr

Questions of myself
What are you trying to do?
Prove Worthy
Worthy of what?
Not of what, of whom.

( once upon a time )

Everything I want to do right now seems like too much hard work. Or maybe there is no-thing I want to do right now just a list of chores / things I *ought* to do and an aching pit inside.

So I'm working through a list of things that need to be done because what else am I going to do?

~~~
Most of this week followed the pattern of "get through enough hours at work then accomplish one thing at home for the day". I can't clearly remember what/when those things were now. None of theme were very big things. Filling the green bin happened one evening - didn't take very long. Getting the photos from last weekend onto my computer may be one thing - I didn't manage to actually put together the gallery yet.

Around that I played through a very long game of FreeCiv until I'd eliminated a couple of the other civs and could easily have rolled over the remaining ones. I think that has sated my Civ craving for a while and hopefully reset my brain on some level.

By the end of yesterday I was completely exhausted and had to push myself to clean the place up for drinkies that was being hosted here. I as without the spoons to actually participate falling into be shortly after 8, emerging briefly around 11. Sleep eventually came, ironically after the drinkies wound up - but was very broken from neighbour-cat repeatedly coming in through the window I had left open for cat-guest and being met with hissing and spitting. I also had multiple bad dreams involving being late for work - importantly late like for meetings with clients - which ties in with it getting harder and harder to get to work "on time" as the week progressed. (As I don't have a formal start time this means getting to work later and later and repeatedly missing the time I've chosen to aim for.)

Sometime last night someone/s took lumps of wood from the rubbish pile and went on a smashing spree through the motel wing. Windows, doors, heaters, towel rails .... most of the work that has gone into clearing glass to date has effectively been undone.

There's a bunch of other stuff throughout the building I can't be bothered to list.
It was probably "just" St Patricks day drunken fuckers, further embedding my hatred for "celebrations" which revolve around getting pissed.

But I'm ever so grateful to the people who turned up and helped in the main house today, and so are M and the property manager.

We did not get to the chapel, and I'd be really keen to hear from any one or two people who might be available to help clean it up sometime over the next week.

Or who might be crazy enough to join me in really early morning patrols.

~~~
It's been a long day and I'm running on negative spoons on all fronts. With more to do.

I went to check on dinner before starting this post - and discovered I hadn't turned the element on :(
( Hoping this is the bottom of the dip )
( smartass winamp )

I had a dream last night in which my father gave me three useful pieces of business advice. I can't remember the 2nd and 3rd, which is annoying the heck out of me, but the first was "do what you love".

The dream was set in the context of working on the farm (in the woolshed) which I did as a kid. And as a kid I didn't expect to do anything else when I grew up except work on a farm. Of course as it turned out I'm the non-agriculturally minded one of the family and my life has taken quite a different path.

So since I'm in the midst of a motivational desert at the moment, what is it I love or have loved doing?

- building websites. Especially sites that mean something more than just business to somebody. I haven't had one of those in a while now. The last one was actually a really big negtive because while it meant a lot to the guy, he also didn't have a clue and was a really difficult client. I have another site I'm supposed to be working on for him right now, and I'm really having trouble making myself do it.
- I can't even get up the enthusiasm to get on with one of my own projects which I used to be really looking forward to having the time to start.
- of course not being able to focus on anything web related for more than about 15 minutes at best is not really helping here.

- gaming. I used to breath gaming material the same way I used to breath web-dev material. Now that enthusiasm is like a switch - it flicks on for the Tuesday game I'm playing in and then it's gone again.
- The campaign I was going to run this year - I've been planning to run it for several years, now I can't even bring myself to start writing up the major NPCs, or a background handout for the players.
- even board gaming - I just don't have the stamina for more than a couple of games in a row any more.

- organising events (eg BoD) - aka I love it when a plan comes together. I so -want- to be running something right now actually, maybe starting a political movement, but it's like standing at the top of a precipice. I *know* I don't have the energy, that jumping into something like that would destroy me.

- driving people around. This is one of the few things in my life at the moment I really still enjoy. It makes me feel useful. I have toyed with the idea of becoming a taxi driver, but I think that making it a job would end up sucking a lot of the enjoyment out of it. I just don't do it for financial reward.

- likewise photography - I've thought about taking proper steps to get better at this but I'm really happy just being an amateur people-snapper and feeling that people get some enjoyment from my galleries.

There are no conclusions here, just more proof that I'm currently screwed.

That's 3 ... somethings right? And an earthquake. No need for any more?
~~~
I'm exhausted. Almost beyond caring. I attended the improptu not-quite-a-party after getting back to Chch last night but left shortly after the second wave of people arrived because my tolerance for drunken fools had been exhausted by the youngling I was seated next to at the wedding, and I was on the verge of saying some things which would not have gone down well.
~~~
Then I only slept in hour-long snatches, between trips to the toilet. Which given I drank very little yesterday at all means I'm now physically dehydrated as well as run-down. Heavy clothes, a hot drink, hot breakfast and sitting on a heater are failing to impart warmth. I may have to resort to a hot shower, although under the current circumstances I don;t really need one and I'd rather conserve the water.
~~~
The wedding was nice, despite the cold and wet and the shadow of the weeks funeral which hung over proceedings at several points. The bride still rode in on a horse, the speeches were kept to a minimum, the main course was excellent (but the dessert course failed to live up, making me wish I had gone back for seconds of the first like many at my table), and since the groom had his foot in a moonboot the bride sang the first dance. I was able to get back to Chch at a reasonable time and in one piece despite nasty driving conditions. (Although as noted above that didn't really work out).

There were of course the inevitable questions about whether I had a girlfriend and when my wedding would be (I got some of those after the funeral as well) - my brother and I are the only two left unmarried. These always leave me bleak.

I suppose technically you could count eldest sister as unmarried again. [/black humour]
~~~
[/whinge]

First thanks to those who have commented on my previous post.

Sitting in an undamaged house in an earthquake-smashed city without real human contact is lonely, regardless of how much activity one can be involved in online. codym is camped out in my lounge, and that takes the edge off as does zakzahn when he's at home, but that's all.

I went on a cycle tour today hoping to visit some people. Had about a 50% strike rate finding people at home, and didn't find whatever it was I was looking for. Did complete a couple of errands, and saw the silt-piles in Barrington for myself. Probably tired myself out enough to sleep tonight ... when I stop keeping myself awake writing LJ posts for example.

Allowed myself a quickish shower after I got home, ran the tap to get water to the bathroom and collected that water into the bath reservoir.

The laptop has been my connection to the world - I've been avoiding the desktop/office almost completely. I think this is because of all the work-related stress that is accumulated here, which I just don't want to deal with right now. There are bit of work waiting to be done, but they are all on angry-making projects. I was going to start dealing with some of them today ... then I heard about my uncle and it became "maybe tomorrow". Now that most people in my networks have been accounted for the rate of updates has slowed to the point that watching the feeds no longer provides cover or sufficient distraction from either inaction or inability to act.

I did get hold of the panelbeaters today. They have a couple of guys back at work but couldn't tell me when my car will be done now.

There are various indicators of how low my mood is. One is that I can not care enough to lock or cut this post. Sorry.

Probably lucky I didn't set something on fire. Very carbonated pot. Haven't really been able to face work this week. Everything was getting better, how the fuck did I end up back here again?