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If I don't write this post while I'm in the pit I'll probably never get around to it.
The first half draft has been sitting in my brain for about a month and a half, since Wil Wheaton's response to another's post about how depression lies floated through my G+ and FB feeds. (Because my friends share the good stuff.)
He says
Which my own continued aversion to medication aside is good advice.
I feel pretty good a lot of the time. Peaks and troughs - I know I can get back up. Until a couple of months ago I actually thought the baseline had lifted. Actually I still thought that until about Friday. Anyway
This "just enjoying" concept isn't entirely unfamiliar to me, but the important thing is that it's not ever something I can maintain by myself for more than a few minutes. (Possible exception - lost in a book or movie.) (We know this. I pretty much -have- to be doing something at all times). Can't recall a time, ever. Like in the above quote any significant period of just enjoying stuff is always associated with the presence of someone/s else.
~~~segue~~~
I have no great desire to become self-sufficient in this. I crave companionship - some level of intimacy - as the one significant thing missing from my comfortable, privileged life.
Part two was triggered by a piece about how not to talk about depression that came through my FB today - more specifically from a couple of lines in one of the comments
My counsellor labours on this point a lot. "What is it" he says (or some variation) "that makes [Marsden] who is a very giving person take this positive characteristic and exercise it to the point that he damages himself. Why does he not express the same generosity of spirit to himself that he extends to others."
But I do of course.
- Anything I am capable of giving to myself I can (by definition).
- And I certainly believe that I am worth the things that I want that I can't give myself.
Why can't I give the things I want to myself? Because pretty much by definition they have to be given by other people. Companionship. Support. Love. Sex. These all take two (minimum :p). They are not things that can be taken (not ethically anyway). Whether I think I am worth anything to/from someone else is immaterial if they don't see me that way.
[digression](Courtship (proving yourself interesting) seems to be frowned on these days. It makes you creepy, a stalker. You only get one shot. No means no. Makes things really difficult if like me you prefer to get to know people better gradually and move on to more from friendship. The best relationship of my life was with someone I courted for a year before she said yes.) Not that I'm entirely adverse to trying it the other way - if someone potentially suitable asks.)[/digression]
I will give my all* to the world* because that is who I am. But at the nub - I give because I want to receive.
*hyperbole. I do attend to my own needs. I'm not about to pauper myself although given a situation of sufficient necessity I probably would.
You can make the case as my counsellor does that I do in fact do this with my emotional resources without the necessity.
To be fair the world/fate/fortune has given me a pretty comfy material setup. Don't think I'm not grateful/don't recognise my privilege/luck. But it's not "the world" which can provide companionship, it's "a person". Otherwise you start getting into issues of free will and consent, and I have also developed very strong feelings on consent.
The first half draft has been sitting in my brain for about a month and a half, since Wil Wheaton's response to another's post about how depression lies floated through my G+ and FB feeds. (Because my friends share the good stuff.)
He says
I suffered for no good reason for decades, until I couldn’t reconcile my awesome life with feeling terrible all the time. Talking therapy wasn’t ever enough for me, and I was very resistant to medication, because I believed (and continue to believe) that we are an over-medicated culture.
But, still, I wouldn’t just sit around and suffer if I had a treatable non-mental illness, so I went to a doctor, and I got better. Now, I take some medication every morning, and it has made all the difference in my life.
Which my own continued aversion to medication aside is good advice.
I feel pretty good a lot of the time. Peaks and troughs - I know I can get back up. Until a couple of months ago I actually thought the baseline had lifted. Actually I still thought that until about Friday. Anyway
I remember the first week after I started meds, Anne and I were out for a walk. I felt her hand in mine, and realized that I didn’t have any lingering tension or unhappiness just buzzing around in my skull. I was just enjoying a walk with my wife, and holding her hand.
This "just enjoying" concept isn't entirely unfamiliar to me, but the important thing is that it's not ever something I can maintain by myself for more than a few minutes. (Possible exception - lost in a book or movie.) (We know this. I pretty much -have- to be doing something at all times). Can't recall a time, ever. Like in the above quote any significant period of just enjoying stuff is always associated with the presence of someone/s else.
~~~segue~~~
I have no great desire to become self-sufficient in this. I crave companionship - some level of intimacy - as the one significant thing missing from my comfortable, privileged life.
Part two was triggered by a piece about how not to talk about depression that came through my FB today - more specifically from a couple of lines in one of the comments
I had lots of dreams of what I wanted to do in my life, but would always sabotage in my mind that I was not worthy of those dreams ... I felt I had to please everyone but myself.
My counsellor labours on this point a lot. "What is it" he says (or some variation) "that makes [Marsden] who is a very giving person take this positive characteristic and exercise it to the point that he damages himself. Why does he not express the same generosity of spirit to himself that he extends to others."
But I do of course.
- Anything I am capable of giving to myself I can (by definition).
- And I certainly believe that I am worth the things that I want that I can't give myself.
Why can't I give the things I want to myself? Because pretty much by definition they have to be given by other people. Companionship. Support. Love. Sex. These all take two (minimum :p). They are not things that can be taken (not ethically anyway). Whether I think I am worth anything to/from someone else is immaterial if they don't see me that way.
[digression](Courtship (proving yourself interesting) seems to be frowned on these days. It makes you creepy, a stalker. You only get one shot. No means no. Makes things really difficult if like me you prefer to get to know people better gradually and move on to more from friendship. The best relationship of my life was with someone I courted for a year before she said yes.) Not that I'm entirely adverse to trying it the other way - if someone potentially suitable asks.)[/digression]
I will give my all* to the world* because that is who I am. But at the nub - I give because I want to receive.
*hyperbole. I do attend to my own needs. I'm not about to pauper myself although given a situation of sufficient necessity I probably would.
You can make the case as my counsellor does that I do in fact do this with my emotional resources without the necessity.
To be fair the world/fate/fortune has given me a pretty comfy material setup. Don't think I'm not grateful/don't recognise my privilege/luck. But it's not "the world" which can provide companionship, it's "a person". Otherwise you start getting into issues of free will and consent, and I have also developed very strong feelings on consent.
