Marsden is Here

Over the past few months my self-esteem and self-image have taken a solid beating, for reasons I'm not going to go into in detail. I'm immensely grateful for the generosity which has seen us through but also ashamed and guilty and bitter at myself that it got to that point to begin with.

I feel like it was my responsibility /not/ to end up in the situation and I was confident that I could/would do so; so although I know that a certain part of it was circumstantial I am experiencing it as a deep personal failure.

Like, these were mistakes I should have made and learned from in my 20s when no-one was depending on me, not in my 40s with (at least) two other peoples lives involved. I was handed ... not every, but a great many advantages in my youth and more since; and I have, in my complacency and foolishness, completely failed to make anything of that; in fact lost a significant portion of it.

I am determined to make it back / pay it forward in some form, over the next 40+ years, but I don't yet see exactly how and I am afraid that I never will. Although this has opened my eyes that certain things I thought I knew and did I do in fact not know or do/do well/enough, I am at a loss where to start learning or doing things differently.

And I feel constrained by circumstances with no practical idea how to change those either. [Aside about this reflecting how societal change is hard (e.g. to address climate change) without massive central government or grass-roots leadership; because after a certain point the (infra)structures around us are self-reinforcing.]

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There are small positive signs. Although I may currently be on the brink of a crash (which this long weekend will hopefully alleviate) I have hammered (judicious use of sleeping pills + E relying on my for morning transport) my sleeping pattern back into something which allows me to be functional for most of the day. My fatigue issues are slowly slowly receding; I have been making my targeted hours or better at work for the past few weeks, even though that has usually meant working a half-day or day at the weekend to make up for time missed during the week attending to other matters; i.e. my overall productivity and ability-to-do-stuff is up.

The initial Cracked.com article challenges you to

Name five impressive things about yourself. Write them down or just shout them out loud to the room. But here's the catch -- you're not allowed to list anything you are (i.e., I'm a nice guy, I'm honest), but instead can only list things that you do (i.e., I just won a national chess tournament, I make the best chili in Massachusetts).

I am pretty much responsible for opening up Antonio Hall to people over the past couple of years. Other people provided the vital contact and invaluable assistance and support (you know who you are) but I was the one that pulled it together.

I run great roleplaying games.

Tangentially last year I was the catalyst which launched pulled two roleplaying campaigns (and hopefully more to come).

I build pretty decent websites and web-based applications.

In word and deed I do strive to lift people up when they need lifting up, encourage them to follow their dreams, and generally leave my little bit of the world a little more positive than I found it. (And for proof of that I'm going to link back to the comments on this post.)

Well, not a Grue, a tendriculous, but still annoying. Back down to 6th level again and having to argue for a raise/rez instead of a reincarnate.

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Quoteable quote from ankhst's birthday do:

plato_hell (earnestly) : But everyone here is old except for me and [R.] and [me].
Everyone else in the room (who have some idea of my age): [a moment of stunned silence] ummm, I think....
Me (carefully): Lucy, at the First Party I was twice your age.

I'm considering it a compliment :D I also received another comment I found much more flattering earlier in the evening.

I've submitted my photo for photoshopping and inclusion in a 'members calendar' for one my online haunts. I got this in a PM from the artist just now.

I'm working on your calender pic right now and I just have to say, you have awesome hair.

And really cool fey features. I've been tempted to make you an elf but I think (given the subject of the pic) that you'll still be human.

I'm torn though. Elf or human? Which do you identify with most?

I've already given my answer of course, but a question for the masses:
[Poll #899394]