marsden_online: (Sisters)
Last night / this morning I had what I guess was an actual nightmare, considerably ... more icky than my standard nightly fare of angry-making or struggling-to-control dreams. Additionally for the past 2-3 weeks although my mood is OK several other markers have been in the red:

- ability to focus for periods of time: shot
- short term memory: shot
- combined this means ability to plan and follow through even a few hours ahead: difficult (struggle to remember what I was doing, struggle to remember what I planned to do next)
- driving: challenging (on autopilot significantly more than feels safe)
- patience: lacking
- physical energy: easily exhausted. On Saturday just filling the green bin and mowing the front lawns left me tuckered out; yesterday mowing the back lawns did the same.
- ability to initiate and maintain a conversation: shot (particularly unfair as I've had a good friend guesting for the past couple of nights whom I would love to have been talking with more <3 )
- an urge to do a particular something foolish with the likely outcome of crashing my emotional status further is running high; some perverse desire to prove myself right about the outcome while not being in a state to follow through if I happen to be wrong. Stupid brain.
- sleeping: locked in to 10-12 hours a "night" in bed, dream filled sleep in 3-4 hour stretches interspersed with toilet breaks and period of being alert but "knowing" if I get up to be productive I am going to crash and need a late morning nap ruining any chance of getting to work at a reasonable time. But also the only time I find myself feeling calm and at peace is lying in bed between about 9am and 10am - when the morning traffic has passed and the only sounds are wind and birds. Then I usually feel "switched on" enough to get up about 10am.

Some of it can almost certainly be traced to overworking during November. The week ending the 25th in particular I worked until 7pm on Friday evening despite my parents having being available to meet for dinner since 5pm and the risk of not making other commitments later in the evening because I was so determined to finish the thing I was working on that I couldn't make myself stop and put it aside until Monday (for the 2nd or 3rd week running) even though I /knew/ I should. By the point I was in that state of mind it was probably too late.

Some of it might be something I ate, I hope not as the things I've recently re/introduced to my diet I don't particularly want to do without, particularly the most likely culprit which represents an achievement in expanding my food preparation repertoire. I did abandon my gluten-avoidance for one evening at the beginning of October, interestingly noticing no ill effects over the following week; but I've been well-behaved since.

There were the earthquakes and immediate aftermath in November, and I have already written about how that took out my previously planned day-off and left me feeling more exhausted. Matters regarding the Hall post-quake have also required more emotional energy to deal with and are about to suck out a significant sum of money as well.

But yeah, as the title says I'm worried. The feeling of hopeless that this will /ever/ pass is currently deadlocked with the rational knowledge that it will, and it feels like hopelessness is on the verge of gaining the upper hand. Looking back (just now, memory lost) I see I wrote a similar post to this at beginning of November, in addition to the quake one mid-November, and things could only be said to have become worse. Usually these posts mark the low-point of the cycle. Usually summer ... /sunshine hours/ ... means more energy and getting out of bed earlier and getting more stuff done. Instead I just feel spent, and that little I do is making any lasting difference. (Which again rationally I know is not the case, for several people.)

I've been trying to hold out until the Xmas break but today I have given up and has taken off for mental health. Which is to say rather than "resting" which as we're well aware I am not simply capable of without outside suasion, I am stepping through my to-do list attempting to close as many mental loops as possible (mostly related to writing or minor cleaning). I'll also be making a Dr appt to up my meds - although I still don't know if/how much they're helping and a dose change supposedly has a 3-week delay before effects are expected to accumulate noticeably. I could also book an extra session with my psychologist; but I can't think of any way that talking it over would help with any of this at the current time. Based on past experience it would only end with me feeling even more broken down and no way to recover.

I've done everything I know how to do. Looked after myself as best I can. I /can't/ do it any better.
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