Disappointed with self

[marsden_online]

Last week I was OK with not getting out of bed until late morning and doing minimum hours at work, because I was deliberately trying to take an easy week.

Monday this week I was not OK with it but for whatever reason really did not want to face the office (far more specific than last week). Eventually called in sick and actually spent most of the day napping, which seems to have cleared up whatever lethargy had been plaguing me the preceding 7+ days (leading me to conclude that I was, in fact, unwell and in need of an extended period of extra rest).

Yesterday I felt much better but still ran out of spoons-for-work after a somewhat sort period of time.

[tangent]
The presence of the new hire is placing additional demands on my patience - young and foolish and overconfident (probably much like I was at that age, but with better social skills) and sometimes I just want to smack him over the head with a keyboard and scream "your ideas are wrong!" at him until he gets a clue. To try and be fair he is learning a new-to-him programming language as we go, and he asks appropriate questions but jut doesn't seem to pay attention to the answers. I'm getting tired of having to find 3 different ways to explain the same thing before I strike one that sticks with him. His presence also seems to have upped the amount - and persistence - of chatter and "lively debate" - i.e. frustrating distractions - in the office.
[/tangent]

This morning I was awake, alert , and out of bed (call of nature) at 7:30am. I had many productive hours ahead of me. Then I gave into the lure of slipping back into bed just long enough to catch up on overnight Facebook on my phone; which I out-and-out knew was a bad idea. It was again after 10 when I managed to crawl out.

That is what I am disappointed with myself for. Soclose. So close to what could have been a really good day. Because I know from experience that if I can make it past that temptation to go back to bed there is a good chance I will have a really good day.

As a direct result I did not manage my intended hours at work today (having to leave at a fixed time due to Hall commitment), not that my brain was really with it having decided his morning was a good time to start stringing sentences (well one sentence in particular) together in русский. Probably as an indirect result I do not find myself with the appropriate cutlery to seriously start on what I had planned for tonight. (Which in turn means various other things inevitably fall further behind as well).

Tomorrow I also have to leave work at a fixed time (even earlier in the afternoon) having made an appointment with my psych while I was feeling absolutely run down on Monday. I have no idea how this will go. I have a list of things which have been wearing me out (mostly the beginning-of-term rush), but no resolutions.

- work factors (above)
- Hall factors (hinted at or explained elsewhere)
- social factors; especially one that probably deserves it's own post, the amount of effort which goes into enforcing the primacy of my ethics and beliefs over my desires and impulses

None of these are loads that I can in good conscience (or in some cases even safely) just let go.

Indeed I have been carrying some of them for so long that looking back it is likely that the damage done over the better part of two decades can never be untangled. Some may be mitigated with medication (and I'll be talking to my Dr about changing that up next prescription renewal, but that is months away). I'm OK with that because I know on my good days (which had been becoming more frequent for a while) I can still comfortably achieve plenty.

Still, the voids in the past which haunt my feelings can probably never be filled. I'm as at-peace with their existence as I can be but little closer to filling their counterparts in the present. I do not find myself capable of fulfilling my own desire for love.

~~~
Much advice about coping with depression talks bout the importance of liking\loving yourself before expecting others to do so. I've been turning that over in my mind the last week or so, but not getting anywhere. I think I'm pretty damn awesome, even though I don't often say so myself, and that opinion does seem to be shared by plenty of those around me. (Except, y'know, in the one sphere I want it to be.)

This might appear contradicted by the initial subject of this post, but awesome != perfect and I have never claimed to be perfect or even near it. There are many things I would like to be more/less of, but I don't consider those critical failings in myself. I am only human.

What I don't like is not so much the failure to inspire interest in a relationship in others but not knowing why I fail. Repeatedly. (And I am, academically, aware that perceiving this as a failure is in large part down to social conditioning.)

I believe it to be a fact that in any aspect of life failure unleavened by a certain amount of success is demoralising. I know some people make a hobby or habit of trying things they know thy will fail at, but I'm also pretty sure these people have adequate success in areas of life which are important to them. Deliberate failure is a luxury, and one I find I cannot afford to spend time or energy on. (Doing something where the outcome / level of success is unknown OTOH is an experiment and my well be justifiable depending on the perceived likelihood of some positive outcome.)

I do know people with even less hope and more bitterness about it than myself. I do not want to find myself in that place.

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[marsden_online]

Next morning: woken with adrenaline shortly after 7 but the recycling truck going past, hopefully on the other side of the street/ intersection because we have a very full recycling bin which hadn't been put out yet.

Have managed to stay out of bed, but groggy.