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Many years ago someone defined me as "an information junkie". There is a particular type of information that draws me in more than any other though and that is details of other peoples lived experiences. This is the drive that sees me abandoning an evening into the small hours reading the comments on a post like [potential trigger warnings on all these]
- Scalzi's classics on being poor (the first I remember)
- more recently a metafilter thread on emotional labour
- a reddit thread about moments which led people to change the way they think
- a strong article on why women smile at men who harass them [short version: it's a proven survival tactic for continuing to maintain some control in a dangerous situation]
Articles on what it is like to be struggling with poverty or mental health or generaaly being someone other than a middle-aged comfortably well off white male make up a significant amount of the links I share through my FB feed, which I am well aware is mostly read by other people much like me.
Why do I feel this is so important? In short, "There but for the grace of ghod, go I". In a word awareness, but lets dig onto it a little deeper.
1. Fairness
"Life" is not only not fair; the very concept is an anthropomorphism. The courses of our lives are primarily influenced for better or worse by factors out of our control starting with the situation we are born into. But in having a sense of fairness we have the power to influence the lives of others in a positive fashion.
A sense of fairness has two parts; being aware of when others' situations are markedly better/worse that your own and being willing to set about making the situation more equitable even when you are not the one who will benefit. (Only railing against "inequality" or "unfairness" when you would benefit from a change in situation does not demonstrate an understanding of the principle.)
The majority of us live in our own sort of worlds, mixing mostly with people like ourselves. On our own level of the inequality tower as it were. I fall somewhere in the middle levels and as I have often said before I am quite happy in my ivory tower, as socialising out of my element is very draining for me and I do not seek it out (perhaps I should but that is a different topic.) The next best thing is to educate myself on the challenges facing others in their own words to
- understand how my own beliefs and actions may propagate unfairness which I was previously unaware of and improve my actions and interactions accordingly
- should I be in a position to offer direct assistance be able to do so (hopefully) without offence.
I have the luxury of time to do this; "listen" to these stories, curate them a little and even if I do not find myself in a position to act on them directly to raise awareness in the hope that someone else will.
2. Compassion and courtesy (civility)
We are all different but not all of those differences are immediately obvious. We never know all of another person's story or what battles they are facing but we can remind ourselves when someone seems out of sorts, to have a negative personality, or strongly holds an opinion we disagree with that there /is a reason/ for that and it is /probably not our fault/.
The more possible reasons we are aware of (generally speaking) the easier it becomes to remember this, to not jump to conclusions, and to maintain a level of courtesy and understanding which benefits everyone involved even if it is just bringing the encounter to it's swiftest practical conclusion.
It has been said that "civility is the lubricant of society" and this awareness I find makes maintaining civility much easier. Moreover the desire to learn and understand leads to listening which is sometimes all people need; although I am still working on the actually understanding (past my personal filters) (comprehending a better word?) and the not trying to give advice in response bits.
But as we are such imaginative creatures having read or heard of a problem even if we have not experienced it ourselves gives us some sort of foundation to empathise or sympathise with those around us who do find themselves in such straits; including those we care most about.
3. Preparedness
Circumstances can change dramatically and quickly for any of us, and usually for the worse as many of the stories at those links can attest. I believe in learning from other peoples experiences (and sharing what little wisdom I have gained from my own) so that everyone does not incur avoidable suffering and loss of precious time in their life making the same mistakes. This is in fact exactly how society has progressed over the centuries.
Granted there are some mistakes everyone has to make for themselves; but picking yourself up again is much easier if you can recognise them sooner after the fact (pattern-matching is something we are very good at as a species) and a have a toolkit of things which have and have not helped other people in similar situations. Circumstances may vary of course which is why it is essential to not only have the tool but some idea of the context in which it did/not work, but there are some responses which we seem prone to that almost universally do not work.
[Aside: I have very little desire to seek out my own experiences good or bad; perhaps this comes from having lived a generally comfortable life. For instance I have never been a thrill-seeker, nor bitten by the travel bug.]
4. Understanding
This comes back to the first point: fairness. Fair is not changing the world so that everyone's life and thoughts resemble mine. Fair involves understanding how other peoples lives can be made better on their terms.
Thinking we know it all is often described folly of youth; certainly I evidenced plenty of it back then but objectively I still do; it is just more subtle. We can become set in our ways as the world moves around us and sometimes the context in which we formed opinions no longer applies ... or was not as we thought it to be.
I will never understand in any more than a academic fashion
- what it is like to have grown up with / become socialised with ones own age group.
- how it affects ones identity to have grown up as a non-Pākehā in NZ; or to have grown up in another part of the world entirely
- be (identify as) a woman or non-binary-male
- the list is endless
I very much hope not to find myself in circumstances where I understand in more than an academic or second-hand fashion what is is like
- living in poverty as described by those in the links above
- being driven from your home by violence
- learning you have a serious medical condition (Hi rtmiss <3) or suffering a debilitating accident / living with a debilitating condition
- the full list would be shorter than the one above but it's a matter of degree
But some of those around me do live with these things and all that they bring. Some of those I meet in the future will also. I owe it to them to educate myself, preferably ahead of time, where I can rather than place on them the additional burden of teaching me. (I'm still not very good at this either; asking directly is still my first instinct.)
~~~
By sharing these things I hope that others will learn ahead of time as well. But not just for the reasons above; on a more selfish level I hope people also learn about me - through what is important to me - and possibly about themselves.
Because that is the other thing about these sorts of stories: by putting myself in others' shoes I gain a reflection of myself; by examining the feelings which rise and the sometimes unexpected things which trigger them I learn more about who I am, sometimes who I have been in the past (usually to my shame) ... and who I do /do not want to be in the future.
- Scalzi's classics on being poor (the first I remember)
- more recently a metafilter thread on emotional labour
- a reddit thread about moments which led people to change the way they think
- a strong article on why women smile at men who harass them [short version: it's a proven survival tactic for continuing to maintain some control in a dangerous situation]
Articles on what it is like to be struggling with poverty or mental health or generaaly being someone other than a middle-aged comfortably well off white male make up a significant amount of the links I share through my FB feed, which I am well aware is mostly read by other people much like me.
Why do I feel this is so important? In short, "There but for the grace of ghod, go I". In a word awareness, but lets dig onto it a little deeper.
1. Fairness
"Life" is not only not fair; the very concept is an anthropomorphism. The courses of our lives are primarily influenced for better or worse by factors out of our control starting with the situation we are born into. But in having a sense of fairness we have the power to influence the lives of others in a positive fashion.
A sense of fairness has two parts; being aware of when others' situations are markedly better/worse that your own and being willing to set about making the situation more equitable even when you are not the one who will benefit. (Only railing against "inequality" or "unfairness" when you would benefit from a change in situation does not demonstrate an understanding of the principle.)
The majority of us live in our own sort of worlds, mixing mostly with people like ourselves. On our own level of the inequality tower as it were. I fall somewhere in the middle levels and as I have often said before I am quite happy in my ivory tower, as socialising out of my element is very draining for me and I do not seek it out (perhaps I should but that is a different topic.) The next best thing is to educate myself on the challenges facing others in their own words to
- understand how my own beliefs and actions may propagate unfairness which I was previously unaware of and improve my actions and interactions accordingly
- should I be in a position to offer direct assistance be able to do so (hopefully) without offence.
I have the luxury of time to do this; "listen" to these stories, curate them a little and even if I do not find myself in a position to act on them directly to raise awareness in the hope that someone else will.
2. Compassion and courtesy (civility)
We are all different but not all of those differences are immediately obvious. We never know all of another person's story or what battles they are facing but we can remind ourselves when someone seems out of sorts, to have a negative personality, or strongly holds an opinion we disagree with that there /is a reason/ for that and it is /probably not our fault/.
The more possible reasons we are aware of (generally speaking) the easier it becomes to remember this, to not jump to conclusions, and to maintain a level of courtesy and understanding which benefits everyone involved even if it is just bringing the encounter to it's swiftest practical conclusion.
It has been said that "civility is the lubricant of society" and this awareness I find makes maintaining civility much easier. Moreover the desire to learn and understand leads to listening which is sometimes all people need; although I am still working on the actually understanding (past my personal filters) (comprehending a better word?) and the not trying to give advice in response bits.
But as we are such imaginative creatures having read or heard of a problem even if we have not experienced it ourselves gives us some sort of foundation to empathise or sympathise with those around us who do find themselves in such straits; including those we care most about.
3. Preparedness
Circumstances can change dramatically and quickly for any of us, and usually for the worse as many of the stories at those links can attest. I believe in learning from other peoples experiences (and sharing what little wisdom I have gained from my own) so that everyone does not incur avoidable suffering and loss of precious time in their life making the same mistakes. This is in fact exactly how society has progressed over the centuries.
Granted there are some mistakes everyone has to make for themselves; but picking yourself up again is much easier if you can recognise them sooner after the fact (pattern-matching is something we are very good at as a species) and a have a toolkit of things which have and have not helped other people in similar situations. Circumstances may vary of course which is why it is essential to not only have the tool but some idea of the context in which it did/not work, but there are some responses which we seem prone to that almost universally do not work.
[Aside: I have very little desire to seek out my own experiences good or bad; perhaps this comes from having lived a generally comfortable life. For instance I have never been a thrill-seeker, nor bitten by the travel bug.]
4. Understanding
This comes back to the first point: fairness. Fair is not changing the world so that everyone's life and thoughts resemble mine. Fair involves understanding how other peoples lives can be made better on their terms.
Thinking we know it all is often described folly of youth; certainly I evidenced plenty of it back then but objectively I still do; it is just more subtle. We can become set in our ways as the world moves around us and sometimes the context in which we formed opinions no longer applies ... or was not as we thought it to be.
I will never understand in any more than a academic fashion
- what it is like to have grown up with / become socialised with ones own age group.
- how it affects ones identity to have grown up as a non-Pākehā in NZ; or to have grown up in another part of the world entirely
- be (identify as) a woman or non-binary-male
- the list is endless
I very much hope not to find myself in circumstances where I understand in more than an academic or second-hand fashion what is is like
- living in poverty as described by those in the links above
- being driven from your home by violence
- learning you have a serious medical condition (Hi rtmiss <3) or suffering a debilitating accident / living with a debilitating condition
- the full list would be shorter than the one above but it's a matter of degree
But some of those around me do live with these things and all that they bring. Some of those I meet in the future will also. I owe it to them to educate myself, preferably ahead of time, where I can rather than place on them the additional burden of teaching me. (I'm still not very good at this either; asking directly is still my first instinct.)
~~~
By sharing these things I hope that others will learn ahead of time as well. But not just for the reasons above; on a more selfish level I hope people also learn about me - through what is important to me - and possibly about themselves.
Because that is the other thing about these sorts of stories: by putting myself in others' shoes I gain a reflection of myself; by examining the feelings which rise and the sometimes unexpected things which trigger them I learn more about who I am, sometimes who I have been in the past (usually to my shame) ... and who I do /do not want to be in the future.
