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One of the things on my to-do list for this holiday was to step back and assess my life from the new vantage provided by higher mood. To see what looks different from up here and what new options may be visible; to see if there is anything old or new I now feel it is within my power to change for the better.
This post pulls together some of those thoughts.
~~~
Up on my wall for the past few weeks I have had in large letters
Unfortunately I have lost track of whichever internet article it was that inspired me to write that up for consideration and with that some context and memory of my thoughts at the time. What I do know is that I have no answer to the 2nd and 3rd questions. I suffer from a lack of direct feedback on how or even if particular actions
- progress me towards a goal
- alter how people see me (for better or worse)
You can if you like picture a teenage version of me sitting in a dark room angsting out loud "what am I doing wrong?!" With 20 years of hindsight I have an understanding of some of what I was doing wrong then - but it's 20 years too late and still does not resolve the issue.
Lets dig into this doing things wrong a bit more. Why is it an issue for me? Perfectionism aside - I can cope with not getting things right the first time as long as I have time to get them right eventually. But as a general rule I shy sharply away from tasks which (I feel) I do not know how to do, rather than seizing the opportunity to learn how to do them.
- OK often I simply don't *want* to take the time to learn how to do them, or see that someone else who already knows how to do it is far more efficient, or that there simply isn't *time* for me to learn and complete the task.
- or feel expected to already know how to do them and admitting that I do not feels like ... I don't know if "weakness" is the right word but it seems to fit best. Fear, although I don't know of what. Of disappointing whoever is asking I suppose, making them angry; I have that irrational (although quite common) aversion to upsetting or annoying people for any reason.
I kind of hate wasting time - not completing a task feels like a total waste of time. I won't start a task I don't see some value in finishing - but I also have a lot of incomplete tasks sitting around.
That is one of the things I don't like about my life at the moment - I have become quite the procrastinator something which was brought home to me yesterday on reading this article and its sequel. I've understood for some time that I am an "incubator" when it comes to solving abstract (coding, writing, planning) problems - but this has become an excuse for not getting started on them and never applied to physical chores anyway.
I procrastinate getting out of bed in the morning (and then go back for a nap in the afternoon).
I procrastinate household chores (big and small)
I procrastinate going and reading a book (when my eyes aren't too tired)
I am procrastinating working on several roleplaying scenarios or campaigns (one of which I'm even on a promise to do :( )
I am procrastinating ("incubating")actually writing several posts which are as formed as they are going to get in my head at this stage
As the article puts it - dealing with the procrastination (instant gratification) monkey wasn't part of my training. Just as studying wasn't - being one of those "bright kids" who manages school fine. This was in no small part responsible for my dropping out of Uni the first time (and how might my life have gone if that hadn't happened? We will never know) and it's something I probably never will master. I learn things in dribs and drabs, as I need them or as they catch my (sometime short) attention. (The list of things I have learnt to do briefly but would have to start more-or-less from scratch again is actually kind of depressing). Now I have one, and it's time to take back control.
That's one thing.
~~~
Getting back to the questions. Let's say my basic insecurity revolves around the *uncertain* consequences of being wrong / "doing it wrong".
(Certain consequences I can factor in to decisions. There are often also consequences to doing the right thing.)
- unknown but often *imagined*
- *feared* because they may reveal vulnerabilities / cause me pain (usually emotional)
- worst case scenario lose valued friends
-- laying that visualisation out more explicitly - make who are now friends less comfortable around me until the connection becomes less-than-friendship
This isn't rational, but it is all too human :/
Rational counters to the above points are
- I'm *supposed* to be publicly revealing my issues/challenges/vulnerabilities - if I'm being looked up to it's important to me that I provide a good model of a non-perfect individual.
- I have lost good friends before and no matter how much I may not want to, I know I can recover from it.*
- over the long term the accumulated imagined pain surely outweighs (drains more spoons than) the short-term actual pain (or even likely long-term actual pain)
* at this point I find myself more concerned about how it would impact [friend] than myself for certain friends. I am conscious of my place and my value in their support networks as well, although I admit my perception is probably overinflated.
* It would hurt *most* seeing them struggle and no longer being able to provide support.
* filed for further consideration
Sanity trumps. I need to close some of those loops. Putting aside the fear that simply stating how I feel privately to people I consider friends will cause them to become otherwise, accepting the wrench that goes with letting go of certain little hopes and dreams. Because it's holding me back / causing me to spin my wheels / tying up spoons.
And it's probably not fair to them either.
~~~
This post has felt like forcing myself open from the inside and I've procrastinated more than a little while writing it, but I think I have reached some insights. Still more yet to come, later.
This post pulls together some of those thoughts.
~~~
Up on my wall for the past few weeks I have had in large letters
BASIC INSECURITY?
What am I doing wrong?
Counter - What am I doing right?
Unfortunately I have lost track of whichever internet article it was that inspired me to write that up for consideration and with that some context and memory of my thoughts at the time. What I do know is that I have no answer to the 2nd and 3rd questions. I suffer from a lack of direct feedback on how or even if particular actions
- progress me towards a goal
- alter how people see me (for better or worse)
You can if you like picture a teenage version of me sitting in a dark room angsting out loud "what am I doing wrong?!" With 20 years of hindsight I have an understanding of some of what I was doing wrong then - but it's 20 years too late and still does not resolve the issue.
Lets dig into this doing things wrong a bit more. Why is it an issue for me? Perfectionism aside - I can cope with not getting things right the first time as long as I have time to get them right eventually. But as a general rule I shy sharply away from tasks which (I feel) I do not know how to do, rather than seizing the opportunity to learn how to do them.
- OK often I simply don't *want* to take the time to learn how to do them, or see that someone else who already knows how to do it is far more efficient, or that there simply isn't *time* for me to learn and complete the task.
- or feel expected to already know how to do them and admitting that I do not feels like ... I don't know if "weakness" is the right word but it seems to fit best. Fear, although I don't know of what. Of disappointing whoever is asking I suppose, making them angry; I have that irrational (although quite common) aversion to upsetting or annoying people for any reason.
I kind of hate wasting time - not completing a task feels like a total waste of time. I won't start a task I don't see some value in finishing - but I also have a lot of incomplete tasks sitting around.
That is one of the things I don't like about my life at the moment - I have become quite the procrastinator something which was brought home to me yesterday on reading this article and its sequel. I've understood for some time that I am an "incubator" when it comes to solving abstract (coding, writing, planning) problems - but this has become an excuse for not getting started on them and never applied to physical chores anyway.
I procrastinate getting out of bed in the morning (and then go back for a nap in the afternoon).
I procrastinate household chores (big and small)
I procrastinate going and reading a book (when my eyes aren't too tired)
I am procrastinating working on several roleplaying scenarios or campaigns (one of which I'm even on a promise to do :( )
I am procrastinating ("incubating")actually writing several posts which are as formed as they are going to get in my head at this stage
As the article puts it - dealing with the procrastination (instant gratification) monkey wasn't part of my training. Just as studying wasn't - being one of those "bright kids" who manages school fine. This was in no small part responsible for my dropping out of Uni the first time (and how might my life have gone if that hadn't happened? We will never know) and it's something I probably never will master. I learn things in dribs and drabs, as I need them or as they catch my (sometime short) attention. (The list of things I have learnt to do briefly but would have to start more-or-less from scratch again is actually kind of depressing). Now I have one, and it's time to take back control.
That's one thing.
~~~
Getting back to the questions. Let's say my basic insecurity revolves around the *uncertain* consequences of being wrong / "doing it wrong".
(Certain consequences I can factor in to decisions. There are often also consequences to doing the right thing.)
- unknown but often *imagined*
- *feared* because they may reveal vulnerabilities / cause me pain (usually emotional)
- worst case scenario lose valued friends
-- laying that visualisation out more explicitly - make who are now friends less comfortable around me until the connection becomes less-than-friendship
This isn't rational, but it is all too human :/
Rational counters to the above points are
- I'm *supposed* to be publicly revealing my issues/challenges/vulnerabilities - if I'm being looked up to it's important to me that I provide a good model of a non-perfect individual.
- I have lost good friends before and no matter how much I may not want to, I know I can recover from it.*
- over the long term the accumulated imagined pain surely outweighs (drains more spoons than) the short-term actual pain (or even likely long-term actual pain)
* at this point I find myself more concerned about how it would impact [friend] than myself for certain friends. I am conscious of my place and my value in their support networks as well, although I admit my perception is probably overinflated.
* It would hurt *most* seeing them struggle and no longer being able to provide support.
* filed for further consideration
Sanity trumps. I need to close some of those loops. Putting aside the fear that simply stating how I feel privately to people I consider friends will cause them to become otherwise, accepting the wrench that goes with letting go of certain little hopes and dreams. Because it's holding me back / causing me to spin my wheels / tying up spoons.
And it's probably not fair to them either.
~~~
This post has felt like forcing myself open from the inside and I've procrastinated more than a little while writing it, but I think I have reached some insights. Still more yet to come, later.
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