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Collecting scattered thoughts
Feb. 9th, 2020 02:14 pmpushed myself past my limits
physically, mentally, emotionally
broken
Depressed over not being able to help fix the world's problems when I cant even get my own house (literal and metaphorical) sorted cleaned and in order. I am managing /something/ almost every day but just don't seem to be getting to the big tasks which are staring me in the face every day.
~~~
Thursday was a public holiday and I exhausted myself physically doing overdue cleaning - the shower, the toilet, the fridge - even without doing a complete job of any of them. I find myself exhausted myself today just from trimming a green-bin full of branches off the hedge.
(I was glad to see that at least one of the pansies I transplanted from the middle of the back wasteland to a garden bed appears to have survived and is putting up new growth. In my experience they are tough little plants.)
I have exhausted myself mentally at work. It looks like the pay rise I asked for isn't coming so I feel I have little choice but to to work more/better hours. But right now the extra time I am pushing myself to do is going on preparations for the final stage (going live) of a project I am no longer billing for because it went so far over estimate. It is one I am very emotionally involved in doing properly (and could cost the company a very valuable client if the final stage gets cocked up).
I have further exhausted myself mentally and emotionally dealing with the things which require these types of energy at home.
~~~
I am still receiving the alarms and updates of both what has most recently been looted from the Hall and the owner's continued inactivity to even meet their commitments to make the site safe after the fire. All I can say to questions about when we might go back - whether from members of our team or from our contact still there - is "not until it is safe". It is not going to be safe in the foreseeable future.
I had reason to go back to the photos from our first few visits looking for references for some of the stolen fittings, it's heartbreaking seeing even how beautiful the interior - and overgrowth free the exterior - it was then before 8ish years of dirt, damp and deliberate damage and neglect against our best attempts.
An overhaul of the website is one of the many things which need doing that I just haven't managed to get to. I will keep that history there as long as possible.
Meanwhile grief and anger pains rise in my chest with no outlet. While the Hall may be the obvious current source it's not like I'm unused to this state, it seems to have been part of me for most of my life. Keeping pain within so I don't lash out with it and hurt anyone else.
At our ceremony D. talked about how "nothing seems to rattle [me]"; it's just that I am very practiced at putting aside being pain as not being a productive thing right now and this skill is equally applicable to many other things which might get in the way of viewing a situation ... if not clearly at least practically.
But I also know that sometimes to deal with a pain or frustration and move on you have to take it off the shelf, feel it and accept it for what it is. Many, even most are trivial and easily discarded in retrospect. Some, not so much.
~~~
This story moved me greatly this morning,
https://thespinoff.co.nz/society/09-02-2020/a-magic-like-no-other/
Not because of any recent deaths; actually I think I am quite lucky to have reached my age without losing too many of my peers. (But Alex, Kirsty, Kaye+Martyn, Geoff immediately come to mind ...) but because I am constantly failing to keep in touch beyond the occasional FB connection even with people I dearly want to. We don't get to sit down - over a meal or board game perhaps - and have conversations about each others lives - not that I ever feel there is much to say about my own which (at least at the moment) doesn't devolve into self pity but I still want to know what is going on with you, the good and the bad.
~~~
D. just opened the door and passed in a plate of hot quiche full of goodness, and I am so grateful to have her in my life even with all the complications and responsibilities that entails.
physically, mentally, emotionally
broken
Depressed over not being able to help fix the world's problems when I cant even get my own house (literal and metaphorical) sorted cleaned and in order. I am managing /something/ almost every day but just don't seem to be getting to the big tasks which are staring me in the face every day.
~~~
Thursday was a public holiday and I exhausted myself physically doing overdue cleaning - the shower, the toilet, the fridge - even without doing a complete job of any of them. I find myself exhausted myself today just from trimming a green-bin full of branches off the hedge.
(I was glad to see that at least one of the pansies I transplanted from the middle of the back wasteland to a garden bed appears to have survived and is putting up new growth. In my experience they are tough little plants.)
I have exhausted myself mentally at work. It looks like the pay rise I asked for isn't coming so I feel I have little choice but to to work more/better hours. But right now the extra time I am pushing myself to do is going on preparations for the final stage (going live) of a project I am no longer billing for because it went so far over estimate. It is one I am very emotionally involved in doing properly (and could cost the company a very valuable client if the final stage gets cocked up).
I have further exhausted myself mentally and emotionally dealing with the things which require these types of energy at home.
~~~
I am still receiving the alarms and updates of both what has most recently been looted from the Hall and the owner's continued inactivity to even meet their commitments to make the site safe after the fire. All I can say to questions about when we might go back - whether from members of our team or from our contact still there - is "not until it is safe". It is not going to be safe in the foreseeable future.
I had reason to go back to the photos from our first few visits looking for references for some of the stolen fittings, it's heartbreaking seeing even how beautiful the interior - and overgrowth free the exterior - it was then before 8ish years of dirt, damp and deliberate damage and neglect against our best attempts.
An overhaul of the website is one of the many things which need doing that I just haven't managed to get to. I will keep that history there as long as possible.
Meanwhile grief and anger pains rise in my chest with no outlet. While the Hall may be the obvious current source it's not like I'm unused to this state, it seems to have been part of me for most of my life. Keeping pain within so I don't lash out with it and hurt anyone else.
At our ceremony D. talked about how "nothing seems to rattle [me]"; it's just that I am very practiced at putting aside being pain as not being a productive thing right now and this skill is equally applicable to many other things which might get in the way of viewing a situation ... if not clearly at least practically.
But I also know that sometimes to deal with a pain or frustration and move on you have to take it off the shelf, feel it and accept it for what it is. Many, even most are trivial and easily discarded in retrospect. Some, not so much.
~~~
This story moved me greatly this morning,
https://thespinoff.co.nz/society/09-02-2020/a-magic-like-no-other/
Sometimes death comes for the old, and sometimes for the young. And sadly, like life, it rarely makes much sense when it does come.
Not because of any recent deaths; actually I think I am quite lucky to have reached my age without losing too many of my peers. (But Alex, Kirsty, Kaye+Martyn, Geoff immediately come to mind ...) but because I am constantly failing to keep in touch beyond the occasional FB connection even with people I dearly want to. We don't get to sit down - over a meal or board game perhaps - and have conversations about each others lives - not that I ever feel there is much to say about my own which (at least at the moment) doesn't devolve into self pity but I still want to know what is going on with you, the good and the bad.
~~~
D. just opened the door and passed in a plate of hot quiche full of goodness, and I am so grateful to have her in my life even with all the complications and responsibilities that entails.
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