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My brain agreed that writing this post was part of an acceptable plan for what to do after getting out of bed. Now that I get to it it doesn't want to cooperate :(
My ability to get out of bed has been swinging wildly the past few weeks; sometimes early enough to do 6 hours at work, sometimes so late I only get 3-4 hours. It's been averaging out OK as far as my earnings go.
After a pretty bad day Tuesday when I ended up just doing a few hours from home, yesterday (Wednesday) I had what would have been a really good day. Somehow stayed out of bed from a bathroom trip at half-past-six, was at work about 8, did 6 and a half hours and could have done more /except/ I was booked to show a film group around the Hall at 3pm because they want to use the location on Friday. They only asked on Monday and really I should have said no sorry, too short notice; but I am unfair on myself like that.
This was after another group whom I had agreed to give a tour on Tuesday because they couldn't do weekends had cancelled and asked to come in on Sunday instead ... I mean the cancellation was good it was the only reason I got any work done instead of having to take the whole day off. (I had of course planned to use the afternoon commitment as motivation to be at work early Tuesday.)
Anyway after yesterdays early start and a variety of errands and chores after work and the Hall I went to bed in good time hoping for a repeat. I even had multiple alarms set with a positive message.
My brain lied me into snoozing the first alarm twice before turning it off, then turning the second one off and despite feeling positive while touching base by txt with a friend about 8am then dragged me under again. Executive dysfunction then continued to keep me in bed until after midday - a good 14 hours - and was perfectly willing to keep me there the rest of the day, bladder notwithstanding. It was very nice there, I would have liked to be able to just do that.
Eventually I reached the understanding that I was not going to be permitted out of bed without taking the rest of the day off for some sort of "me" time, no significant amount of which is on the horizon and all recent attempts at which have been interrupted by people in need of helping out. (For example Sunday had been completely free except for gaming in the evening but I ended up showing a pair of photographers around the Hall so they can use it for a bridal shoot this coming weekend, then hosting some friends who don't currently have a working washing machine for several loads through mine+dryer and cooking them a hot meal.)
It is a thing which I have known for some time, that one of the reasons I have difficultly getting out of bed is because it is my only "me time". Once I am up and at the computer my world becomes at least 40% about other people most of the time. Today I made a list
Things in my life mostly for me
- Sleeping, eating, showering, lighting the fire
- game prep when I'm not fitting it in at the last minute
- computer gaming which I haven't done in months
- certain types of reading which I haven't done in weeks
- gardening which hasn't happened in weeks
- writing, which also hasn't been happening
Things 30-70% for or about other people
- Gaming, work, most household chores
- keeping up with current affairs and technology
- parties, photos
Things mostly about other people
- almost everything I do at the Hall
- other good works
Things on the above lists that I sometimes do-not-want but do anyway
- some household chores
- some Hall time. Increasing amounts of Hall time actually as I'm not feeling very supported in the use-oriented intentions I have there.
The irony is that being kept in bed such long hours ("off" time) means I have to spend my other hours ("on" time) tending to outside commitments and rarely get far enough through those to do the things for myself. Although of course actually having time to or for with myself usually comes with the sharp edge of being reminded that I am not /by myself/ from choice and I would rather be doing things with (or as) selected company.... which brings us back to one reason so much of what I do do is oriented as a distraction from those feelings. Which leave me so drained that depression and executive dysfunction mean I can't get out of bed....
I know even if I do get out of bed "early" or "on time" right now the extra hours will just get eaten usually by work in the first instance followed by the Hall or chores or other backed-up spoon-using activities on my to-do list. And while I do enjoy work and the money is nice ... the work is not adding much to the world and I'm not spending the money on myself at present (and even when I do that brings only mild satisfaction) ... the other things are generally break-even or worse; even the things "for" me.
This is all ground I have been over before. I've been going over it for years. I mean I've learnt some ways of making better use of what I have in that time, but when I stand back and look at the results most seems to have been about making the ground more fertile for /others/ (and I in no way regret what I have achieved there); I'm still no closer to being able to water my own roots.
I do not know if this post has achieved anything. I do know that I am running out of time, and this afternoon hasn't actually left me feeling any more refreshed.
My ability to get out of bed has been swinging wildly the past few weeks; sometimes early enough to do 6 hours at work, sometimes so late I only get 3-4 hours. It's been averaging out OK as far as my earnings go.
After a pretty bad day Tuesday when I ended up just doing a few hours from home, yesterday (Wednesday) I had what would have been a really good day. Somehow stayed out of bed from a bathroom trip at half-past-six, was at work about 8, did 6 and a half hours and could have done more /except/ I was booked to show a film group around the Hall at 3pm because they want to use the location on Friday. They only asked on Monday and really I should have said no sorry, too short notice; but I am unfair on myself like that.
This was after another group whom I had agreed to give a tour on Tuesday because they couldn't do weekends had cancelled and asked to come in on Sunday instead ... I mean the cancellation was good it was the only reason I got any work done instead of having to take the whole day off. (I had of course planned to use the afternoon commitment as motivation to be at work early Tuesday.)
Anyway after yesterdays early start and a variety of errands and chores after work and the Hall I went to bed in good time hoping for a repeat. I even had multiple alarms set with a positive message.
My brain lied me into snoozing the first alarm twice before turning it off, then turning the second one off and despite feeling positive while touching base by txt with a friend about 8am then dragged me under again. Executive dysfunction then continued to keep me in bed until after midday - a good 14 hours - and was perfectly willing to keep me there the rest of the day, bladder notwithstanding. It was very nice there, I would have liked to be able to just do that.
Eventually I reached the understanding that I was not going to be permitted out of bed without taking the rest of the day off for some sort of "me" time, no significant amount of which is on the horizon and all recent attempts at which have been interrupted by people in need of helping out. (For example Sunday had been completely free except for gaming in the evening but I ended up showing a pair of photographers around the Hall so they can use it for a bridal shoot this coming weekend, then hosting some friends who don't currently have a working washing machine for several loads through mine+dryer and cooking them a hot meal.)
It is a thing which I have known for some time, that one of the reasons I have difficultly getting out of bed is because it is my only "me time". Once I am up and at the computer my world becomes at least 40% about other people most of the time. Today I made a list
Things in my life mostly for me
- Sleeping, eating, showering, lighting the fire
- game prep when I'm not fitting it in at the last minute
- computer gaming which I haven't done in months
- certain types of reading which I haven't done in weeks
- gardening which hasn't happened in weeks
- writing, which also hasn't been happening
Things 30-70% for or about other people
- Gaming, work, most household chores
- keeping up with current affairs and technology
- parties, photos
Things mostly about other people
- almost everything I do at the Hall
- other good works
Things on the above lists that I sometimes do-not-want but do anyway
- some household chores
- some Hall time. Increasing amounts of Hall time actually as I'm not feeling very supported in the use-oriented intentions I have there.
The irony is that being kept in bed such long hours ("off" time) means I have to spend my other hours ("on" time) tending to outside commitments and rarely get far enough through those to do the things for myself. Although of course actually having time to or for with myself usually comes with the sharp edge of being reminded that I am not /by myself/ from choice and I would rather be doing things with (or as) selected company.... which brings us back to one reason so much of what I do do is oriented as a distraction from those feelings. Which leave me so drained that depression and executive dysfunction mean I can't get out of bed....
I know even if I do get out of bed "early" or "on time" right now the extra hours will just get eaten usually by work in the first instance followed by the Hall or chores or other backed-up spoon-using activities on my to-do list. And while I do enjoy work and the money is nice ... the work is not adding much to the world and I'm not spending the money on myself at present (and even when I do that brings only mild satisfaction) ... the other things are generally break-even or worse; even the things "for" me.
This is all ground I have been over before. I've been going over it for years. I mean I've learnt some ways of making better use of what I have in that time, but when I stand back and look at the results most seems to have been about making the ground more fertile for /others/ (and I in no way regret what I have achieved there); I'm still no closer to being able to water my own roots.
I do not know if this post has achieved anything. I do know that I am running out of time, and this afternoon hasn't actually left me feeling any more refreshed.
