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Consent is not a point in time.
Consent is not on/off.
Consent is not a constant - once defined always there.
Consent is not one defining answer.
Consent is a conversation, a process, a ongoing negotiation, a two-way street.
Consent is a variable with values which can rise, fall or move sideways in infinite directions depending on the situation. You may have consent to do X - in this situation - but not to go as far as Y. The situation may just have changed to one where you no longer have consent to do X.
Aside: you may not have been responsible for the thing which changed the situation. Try not to get hung up on fault.
Consent sometimes has to be negotiated between more than just two parties.
Consent can be rescinded or reduced at any time. It be just as easy (arguably easier) to withdraw consent as to escalate it.
Silence/lack of dissent is not consent! Active assent is (probably) consent.
Consent does not have to be verbal (although it helps with clarity).
Just because someone has given verbal consent doesn't mean they actually want to. Check the signs.
The converse is not true. No means no. Slow down means back off as far as it takes. Just because someone might "want" to does not mean they think it is a good idea, or that they are able. They might reopen the conversation later. (They might not.)
Judgement when intoxicated is questionable. Consent when intoxicated (drunk/stoned/whatever) even more so. Take responsibility for both of your wellbeings - default to "No" or a "lower" level of consent on your part if you believe they (or your) might be making impaired decisions.
(I'm sure a lot of good relationships have come out of drunken hook-ups, but do you really want to sleep with someone who wouldn't be interested in you sober/straight? What does that say about the respect involved?)
(I admit I have cocked up most of the above in the past. Probably will do again. No one said consent was easy.)
~~~
Okay now go read this post on modelling consent.
Searching my past posts (thank you Dreamwidth for a decent search function!) I find I've also written a few other relevant posts in the past.
~~~
You can skip this last bit. It's just about how some of my related mental models developed.
~
Re: the above link - Personally I lack good models for a lot of the interactions which need to occur before consent about physical contact even becomes an issue (and of course each of these requires their own form/level of consent). Just another side-effect of a socially isolated childhood :-/
~
Anyway...
So as a teen most of what I learnt about (humans) having sex came from the letters in the (often old, even then) Penthouses and Playboys and such usually concealed somewhere in the single-men's quarters. Discounting how realistic the actual situations might be, and given that that usually skipped over the finer details of negotiating consent (something I still have trouble with), the consent was almost always there. All involved were portrayed as "up for it" and enjoying themselves / each other.*
* I also seem to recall that there were quite a lot of assertive, encounter initiating women portrayed. Which really shouldn't seem as remarkable as it does.
I've internalised that pretty hard I think. To the point where any doubt is enough to put me off. Not that I haven't tried to push that a time or two, invariably a mistake. So it's kind of selfish but y'know, it's one of the reasons consent is such an important issue to me.
Consent is not on/off.
Consent is not a constant - once defined always there.
Consent is not one defining answer.
Consent is a conversation, a process, a ongoing negotiation, a two-way street.
Consent is a variable with values which can rise, fall or move sideways in infinite directions depending on the situation. You may have consent to do X - in this situation - but not to go as far as Y. The situation may just have changed to one where you no longer have consent to do X.
Aside: you may not have been responsible for the thing which changed the situation. Try not to get hung up on fault.
Consent sometimes has to be negotiated between more than just two parties.
Consent can be rescinded or reduced at any time. It be just as easy (arguably easier) to withdraw consent as to escalate it.
Silence/lack of dissent is not consent! Active assent is (probably) consent.
Consent does not have to be verbal (although it helps with clarity).
Just because someone has given verbal consent doesn't mean they actually want to. Check the signs.
The converse is not true. No means no. Slow down means back off as far as it takes. Just because someone might "want" to does not mean they think it is a good idea, or that they are able. They might reopen the conversation later. (They might not.)
Judgement when intoxicated is questionable. Consent when intoxicated (drunk/stoned/whatever) even more so. Take responsibility for both of your wellbeings - default to "No" or a "lower" level of consent on your part if you believe they (or your) might be making impaired decisions.
(I'm sure a lot of good relationships have come out of drunken hook-ups, but do you really want to sleep with someone who wouldn't be interested in you sober/straight? What does that say about the respect involved?)
(I admit I have cocked up most of the above in the past. Probably will do again. No one said consent was easy.)
~~~
Okay now go read this post on modelling consent.
I personally wasn’t able to imagine a culture of consent until I saw it. And now that I have seen it, I feel the need to share my story, so maybe others can imagine it too.
Searching my past posts (thank you Dreamwidth for a decent search function!) I find I've also written a few other relevant posts in the past.
~~~
You can skip this last bit. It's just about how some of my related mental models developed.
~
Re: the above link - Personally I lack good models for a lot of the interactions which need to occur before consent about physical contact even becomes an issue (and of course each of these requires their own form/level of consent). Just another side-effect of a socially isolated childhood :-/
~
Anyway...
So as a teen most of what I learnt about (humans) having sex came from the letters in the (often old, even then) Penthouses and Playboys and such usually concealed somewhere in the single-men's quarters. Discounting how realistic the actual situations might be, and given that that usually skipped over the finer details of negotiating consent (something I still have trouble with), the consent was almost always there. All involved were portrayed as "up for it" and enjoying themselves / each other.*
* I also seem to recall that there were quite a lot of assertive, encounter initiating women portrayed. Which really shouldn't seem as remarkable as it does.
I've internalised that pretty hard I think. To the point where any doubt is enough to put me off. Not that I haven't tried to push that a time or two, invariably a mistake. So it's kind of selfish but y'know, it's one of the reasons consent is such an important issue to me.
