Decisions

I have been fortunate in life. Got through school on intelligence, flip side never properly learned to study. Worked hard for things - causes really - I cared about, but through the support and generosity of my parents I never had to work hard just to make ends meet ... and now I find I am too broken to do so. I've never had to deal with choosing to leave home and family behind to make my own way in the world, or with being left behind. Mostly content - complacent even - with being been carried along by events, I've never really had to make any hard decisions, they've always been more-or-less made for me by (generally fortunate) circumstance.

So an easy life, but it has left me ill prepared me for my present situation. Sometime in the next 18 months I am going to have to make, or at least commit to and step forward on choices which in consequence are going to negatively affect or even drastically change some other peoples lives, people I care about, in order to properly support others.

I have never faced a clashing of commitments and wants on this scale before. It ... for lack of a better word ... scares me. And I have been hiding from it. Waiting on this bit of information or that, doing a bit of research and leaving the tab group open until the time is right to act. But that time could now be as early as the end of next month.

This is only one of the things which has been taking a toll on my mental health, but I suspect it is one of the bigger ones (hard to tell since I still shy away from examining it to closely) and it has been doing so unseen. It was only yesterday that it seeped through to me that the great amount of the past four weekends I have spent in bed has not been just about trying to feel rested enough to make it through the next week, or hiding from the world because I just couldn't cope with any more input right now, but also about avoiding facing up to my own discomfort and the cause of that discomfort.

After all, pushing my (perceived?) negative feelings away and paying them no mind is something I have done so much for so long that it is reflexive now. And there are so many more obvious and immediate concerns in just making it through the day or week without breaking down.

~~~

I am having phone appointments with a counsellor referred to by my GP, we get five hours on the public health dollar an I've had two so far. The first was basically a backgrounder. The second I talked about things which are currently bothering me a bit more. The aim, mine anyway, is to have an idea what sort of ongoing counselling to seek out at the end of the process.

I'm supposed to be looking for the little things which make me feel good. There are few.

- The feeling of having solved a problem or written good code, rarer these days than it used to be and usually tempered by previous experiences of finding out something is terribly wrong with it 6 months later.
- Time spent with D which doesn't feel like part of the chores. Usually at present that is listening to her current audiobook with her.
- Time spent with the cat when she is just being companionable rather than demanding.
- a small amount of reading for pleasure I have managed recently, (mostly in conjunction with trying to cut down my screen time before bed).

I don't really have any hobbies any more - the one game I am in happens erratically and I do not have the time to be working on one of my own. I usually manage to set aside a few hours for playing Path of Exile at the weekends. The rest of the time I am either

- at work (which is a great struggle at present),
- trying to keep up with the world mostly as it pertains to work and my immediate life,
- attending to household chores (practically all of which fall to me since D injured her "on" shoulder before lockdown and it still hasn't come right so she can't lift or even reach without pain, but at least we found out this week what the actual problem is) although that workload is really no different to before D moved in
- attempting to be a good husband and make sure my wife is as comfortable as I can make her and has what she needs to feel productive and cared for
- attempting to rest (I have not been waking feeling rested). Or being forced to retreat from the world into bed.

I've been trying to find the time and energy to write a journal post for three of the four weeks I mentioned earlier.

~~~

#fuckcancer We are between the anniversary of my father's diagnosis and his death a few short weeks later. It's not weighing on my mind but it is ... present. Another good acquaintance whom I have known for many years (and who is younger than I) is currently in the end stages of a breast cancer which spread to her brain; she leaves behind a young son :( And the young niece of another dear friend also died of cancer earlier this year, with all the attendant grief :(