Internalised communication barriers

[marsden_online]

Cracked.com has a post on some of the cultural programming that men encounter about women. (And let's not forget that women are exposed to the same messages.)

I'm still turning over how much some of these memes might have had an influence on me (that they have is undeniable) but I actually want to spin off one line of the article to go into something more personal.

So, from about age 13 on, around 90 percent of our energy and discipline is devoted to overcoming this, to behave like civilized human beings ...

The rest of the sentence isn't really relevant. This sums up where an awful lot of my spoons go when I'm out in public, and even when I'm communicating (or deciding whether or not to communicate) online.

Maybe other people internalise it better, maybe my routines just run closer to the conscious mind such that I can observe them. They include
- don't stare
- give everyone due attention/acknowledgement
- think before you speak. Then think again.
- don't marginalise
- avoid anything likely to give offence
- try to avoid preconceptions about people
- recognise and counter internalised biases stemming from culture/privilege
- avoid anything likely to give offence (yes I know I put it twice)

These are habits that have formed over decades. They override my basic mode of interaction which is pretty arrogant and abrasive. Mostly they're OK because courtesy is the grease which keeps the wheels of society turning, and the cycles spent on these sort of things are just one of the prices we pay for the benefits. That I may have to spend relatively more of my resources (that's what it often feels like) in the process is just one of those things.

Being the type of person I am these habits are very firmly ingrained. So far that it becomes a problem in situations where for not-so-random example flirting would be appropriate, maybe even invited*. In any more intimate situation where communication requires doing or saying things which would not be acceptable in a wider social situation, or in a formal situation where a likely hurtful opinion/criticism needs to be expressed - the habits don't differentiate. "Acceptable" and "non-upsetting" override "desired" and sometimes even "necessary".

So in these situations I stall. Why? Because just the other side of those habits - which are safety catches - lies a pool of anger and violence that I can only see unlocking as a valid response in extreme cases. And - here's the real problem - that I don't want to risk opening accidentally on anyone I care about. Or, anyone I might be having a good time with who hasn't signed up to deal with my baggage.

~~~
*I'm probably doing myself no favours admitting as a 30mumble guy that I don't know how to progress when a woman is interested in me, even if I happen to have picked up the signals.

Comments

[avron]

My internal routine seems far less complex than yours, mainly boiling down to.. Is what I might say relevant?
There is more, but the not giving offence doesn't hinder me as often as I'd like when I do speak, one of the reasons I don't speak much in most settings. I have learnt enough to see that not speaking is going to be better than saying something 'wrong'.

As to your footnote, I'm now in the same rough age bracket, and I struggle to admit that women might be interested in me, let alone see it.

[marsden-online.livejournal.com]

Actually relevance is pretty high on my list as well, it just doesn't typically cause problems :)

> I have learnt enough to see that not speaking is going to be better than saying something 'wrong'.

In a nutshell.

[(Anonymous)]

yes, I have also learnt it is wiser to say nothing, than to say what is on the mind at the time, as afterwards, it is easier to sit back and analyse and realise what was truely meant, not what I thought was said.

People also think you are more thoughtful if one makes a considered reply than saying something without thinking.

As to finding the right person, it is really hard. As to talking with people, I found the more keen I am on someone, the harder it is to speak sensibly in their presence !

I would imagine it is the same for others, so perhaps, if this is so, if you find you are finding it hard to talk to someone, but really like them, and they seem to be the same, relax, time will smooth things and make it easier.

As to when one might find the right person, some find these at school and marry soon after, some at uni, and some later in life.

The important bit is to wait and choose wisely, many have rushed into things and been hurt.

I waited until it felt like I would never find true love, then suddenly, when I thought it would never happen, it did.

I give this advice freely, look for love, but do not be discouraged by it not being there when you think it should be but instead know in your heart, it will happen, when the right time is there for it to blossum.

In the meantime, do things that you can do while you are single that are difficult to do while married. :)

Build up a good account, go on holidays, plan for the future, enjoy loud music, when you are married it may be slightly different !

Peace to you all.