marsden_online (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
marsden_online) wrote2014-10-02 02:12 am
marsden_online) wrote2014-10-02 02:12 am
Entry tags:
Forgive me for asking
Ref this OotS comic . Also disclaimer for wee-small-hours rambling.
~~~
I've written before about not being comfortable (read serious aversion to) asking for things that I want, especially in context of (all sorts of) relationships. Not an uncommon hang-up by any means but possibly a pretty major obstacle to me getting more out of life.
Apart from the factor of my isolated upbringing which meant I didn't have cause to develop many of the skills and forms of social give and take and negotiation until much later in life (and arguably still haven't), I have a couple of very clear memories around asking for things when I was a small child.
The first is of trying to get my mothers attention ("Mum. Mum. Mum. Mum. ....) when we had visitors and she was ignoring me in favour of conversation; to the point that someone sitting next to her told me to "your mother is doing something else right now" (and the memory doesn't run far enough to be clear on what happened next but I probably tried a couple more times then wandered off a bit confused and frustrated). I'm not sure how relevant that one is right now.
The other is of asking my father for extra one-off pocket money because I wanted to buy a transformer (specifically one of these green guys which I was collecting-the-set of at the time). I must have been about 10. Even then I was really reluctant to ask for anything like that, even prompted by mother, and in asking felt I had to justify what I had done which might be worth the generosity (i.e. getting all my chores done and various other jobs besides).
(I did get the $10 I needed and there wasn't anything negative about the experience except how awful it felt - but that is the feeling that has repeated itself over and over throughout my life whenever I have had to ask or could have asked for something important to me.)
So even then I had already become afraid of asking; and developed the idea that I had/have to be able to justify to myself and to the other person that I had/have somehow earned even the right *to* ask. And probably (although I can't be sure this didn't come later) that it isn't worth asking unless you are fairly sure the answer will be yes.
As I think back over the times I have asked for things (in contexts ranging from the workplace through various relationships) over the years looking for any positive reinforcements I find they are few. I pick my way through the mental detritus left by "no" answers, no answers, "yes" answers which were never followed through on, "yes" answers where technically I got what I asked for (in eg a physical sense) but came with the feeling that while the other party was fine with it it wasn't really where they had been aiming to be.
Few are
- the pay rise which came with becoming a proper employee in my first real job (trying to ignore the way that was tarnished later on).
- times spent with K (RIP) although there was plenty went unsaid and unasked there too.
- finding short-notice accommodation in Dunedin
- more recently with the Hall and the way my friends have pulled together to help there.
I also see a trend of asking for the least I believe is needed; usually much less that I would like to get. And of not-asking; not because of how I would feel about an answer either way; but because my asking might cause upset to the other person which I weight as a greater negative than continuing to live in indecision/uncertainty myself.
~~~
It's not a secret that one of the reasons I do so much for other people is to amass a store of social capital that I can fall back on to tide me over the aftermath when, when I stuff up and upset someone big-time. I'm sure I have enough to ask (not get) for a whole lot of things to which the answers are probably in NO uncertain term.
What I am not sure of is what or where the answer is likely enough to be yes to make it worth asking.
~~~
I've written before about not being comfortable (read serious aversion to) asking for things that I want, especially in context of (all sorts of) relationships. Not an uncommon hang-up by any means but possibly a pretty major obstacle to me getting more out of life.
Apart from the factor of my isolated upbringing which meant I didn't have cause to develop many of the skills and forms of social give and take and negotiation until much later in life (and arguably still haven't), I have a couple of very clear memories around asking for things when I was a small child.
The first is of trying to get my mothers attention ("Mum. Mum. Mum. Mum. ....) when we had visitors and she was ignoring me in favour of conversation; to the point that someone sitting next to her told me to "your mother is doing something else right now" (and the memory doesn't run far enough to be clear on what happened next but I probably tried a couple more times then wandered off a bit confused and frustrated). I'm not sure how relevant that one is right now.
The other is of asking my father for extra one-off pocket money because I wanted to buy a transformer (specifically one of these green guys which I was collecting-the-set of at the time). I must have been about 10. Even then I was really reluctant to ask for anything like that, even prompted by mother, and in asking felt I had to justify what I had done which might be worth the generosity (i.e. getting all my chores done and various other jobs besides).
(I did get the $10 I needed and there wasn't anything negative about the experience except how awful it felt - but that is the feeling that has repeated itself over and over throughout my life whenever I have had to ask or could have asked for something important to me.)
So even then I had already become afraid of asking; and developed the idea that I had/have to be able to justify to myself and to the other person that I had/have somehow earned even the right *to* ask. And probably (although I can't be sure this didn't come later) that it isn't worth asking unless you are fairly sure the answer will be yes.
As I think back over the times I have asked for things (in contexts ranging from the workplace through various relationships) over the years looking for any positive reinforcements I find they are few. I pick my way through the mental detritus left by "no" answers, no answers, "yes" answers which were never followed through on, "yes" answers where technically I got what I asked for (in eg a physical sense) but came with the feeling that while the other party was fine with it it wasn't really where they had been aiming to be.
Few are
- the pay rise which came with becoming a proper employee in my first real job (trying to ignore the way that was tarnished later on).
- times spent with K (RIP) although there was plenty went unsaid and unasked there too.
- finding short-notice accommodation in Dunedin
- more recently with the Hall and the way my friends have pulled together to help there.
I also see a trend of asking for the least I believe is needed; usually much less that I would like to get. And of not-asking; not because of how I would feel about an answer either way; but because my asking might cause upset to the other person which I weight as a greater negative than continuing to live in indecision/uncertainty myself.
~~~
It's not a secret that one of the reasons I do so much for other people is to amass a store of social capital that I can fall back on to tide me over the aftermath when, when I stuff up and upset someone big-time. I'm sure I have enough to ask (not get) for a whole lot of things to which the answers are probably in NO uncertain term.
What I am not sure of is what or where the answer is likely enough to be yes to make it worth asking.