marsden_online: (BlueDragon)
It has been two months since I did a "state of me" post. Looking back I see I was definitely in a worse place at that time. Things have picked up but I feel back in a bit of a dip at the moment.

Some major loops have been closed - the drain-laying and landscaping have been done; replaced with the less intimidating "cleaning up the mess left behind" and "paying off the mortgage again" loops. Having to be out of bed by 8am for workers did wonders for my productivity over those couple of weeks and I had hoped it would "stick" as an adjustment to my body clock but I have slipped back to not being able to force myself out of bed until quite late in the morning.

I have also switched off the medication which may have been helping with that (Sertroline); I developed a strong physical aversion to taking it so switched back to a low dose of the leftover Citalopram then changed my prescription back as well. There was an almost immediate improvement in my mood, alertness and creativity (measured by my urge to write); at the same time I have experienced a resurgence in vivid and sleep disrupting dreams and also a near-constant hunger/snacking.

The only weekday commitments I have at the moment are work; so that isn't suffering relative to my established "norm" but we are still behind and I would like to do more; as well as of course keep on top of other things before the list grows long enough to again feel overwhelming.
Hall commitments have receded; hopefully for the next couple of months until it starts warming up again.

Things that have been running through my head recently but have managed to avoid posting to my FB feed in fits of angst
1. feels like he has already lost
2. but doesn't know what / at what

Possibly related to this a dream I had this afternoon during a restless 4-hour 'nap': I was playing a game which I had maybe played once before or was at least interested in. I didn't really know the rules and in the opening round did the best I could with the objectively poor hand of resources I had been dealt to be told (not knowing the rules) at the start of the second round that I was also playing exactly the wrong strategy for my character/faction.
This morphed from a board-game to a sort of dinner / LARP event possibly part of an ongoing series where everyone else knew what was going one, that there was a clear order of events (order in which characters (nobility) arrived at the dinner and so forth) but nobody was explaining them to me. After a false start I did learn that my character was supposed to enter last and while expected to be present to make the game work I was just expected to know the rules / what was already going on / what needed to happen.
From the generosity of another player in the pre-game I also happened to have just come into possession of a powerful artifact or wild card; a significant portion of the game of which may have revolved around trading favours for access to; not having it present would make the game significantly harder for the other characters to use their abilities and achieve their goals. Standing outside I was faced with two choices; go and be in a social situation I /really/ did not want to be in or equally unappealing run away into a cold, lonely darkness in petty frustration.
In the end I seemed to find a third, no less petty or more enjoyable alternative and that was basically hiding for the duration of the game no one was going to bother breaking the game further by coming to look for me; then returning with the artifact right at the end when it was needed to complete the final group goal and end the damn game/situation.
This both was and wasn't in/out of character for my character who wasn't supposedly much of a team player / was sort of one of the bad guys anyway.

Sounds an awful lot like the way various aspects of my social life work really.

The feeling in dream also reminded me strongly of a serious event during my younger years where I took the literally running away from a situation option - except that then I at least knew where I was running to.

[aside] And from that I woke up with an idea for a campaign where the PCs have to track down the god of "evil" who has become tired of all the unpleasant things mortals do to each other being attributed to his name and buggered offski somewhere the other gods can't find him. He has to be persuaded to return or formally abdicate so someone else can take his place to prevent an unbalancing in the cosmos; or possibly participate in something it /requires/ all the current gods working together to achieve. [/aside]

3. How long should one publicly keep trying to set a good example if it doesn't seem that anyone is following it?

- I mean it really shouldn't matter, but right now it does.
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