marsden_online: (Sisters)
I am /very/ run down at the moment as demonstrated by (among other things)

- a slow down in productivity and series of oversights at work
- spending 13 hours in bed (the majority in some form of sleep) over Friday night yet still feeling absolutely exhausted and operating in a sleep deprived state over Saturday
- serious challenges operating appropriately in a social environment
- a spike in loneliness, despair and desire for someone to cuddle /cuddle me
- increasing bleakness about my ability to make any lasting difference to the people who are struggling around me and increasing uncertainty about my own position and future
- the mountain of things I want / need to do moving from seeming achievable to threatening to topple over and crush me

This can be put down to (among other things)
- pushing myself at work to help get through a backlog and juggling multiple projects with concurrent deadlines while still building and implementing much needed code improvements which will speed up future projects
- a series of issues around the Hall, bookings and (lack of) security
- thin air and a lack of proper rest over ANZAC weekend
- the season (SAD) many people around me seem to be suffering a similar malaise
- I would say a string of bad luck on a number of fronts but that is probably more perceptual because of my low mood than actual

Monday (tomorrow) I am taking a mental health day (told work on Thursday and managed to finish up everything which needed doing on Friday) but really that will be a get-on-top-of-the-chores day. I have managed only laundry and vacuuming over the weekend; around
- aforementioned 13 hours and other naps
- being on site at the at the Hall Saturday afternoon (very grateful for company from J)
- putting in an appearance at an engagement party which only really highlighted that I was not in a good place to be around so many happy couples and attractive women, and staying significantly longer than I would have like as my passenger was enjoying herself. I did get one interesting conversation out of the extra time.
- seeking out company at SAGA's MiniCon Saturday morning and Sunday. (With limited success; on Saturday in my sleep deprived state I managed to mostly teach two new people Castles of the Mad King Ludwig and today I am wrote most of this post and played some solitaire on my laptop in the downtime around games*.

* Sunday Game log
- Sentinels of the Multiverse in which we had the floor wiped with our heroes
- 8 player Seven Wonders in which I think I came middle of the pack
- what I hoped to be a quick game of DC Heroes which turned out to be anything but /and/ in which I had abysmal luck

Going out has simply been a gamble with a higher chance of payoff than sitting / curled up at home being miserable; also it gets me away from the cabin fever being brought on from sitting in front of my computer feeling guilty about the things I am not doing. Unfortunately the payoff hasn't really been forthcoming. I make a lousy gambler. My last attempt for the weekend was better; dinner with K & S & meeting K's spritely new kitten but I was just too tired to properly engage. Tonight will be another very early night and I don't expect to be up at any reasonable hour of the morning.

I (again) really need a mental health /week/ or longer - enough time to do many things /and/ have time left over/around to do nothing. As usual that is not on the cards in the foreseeable future. If/when this backlog gets cleared at work I will probably again attempt to take such a week.

Thinking about a day off this morning though I noticed a fairly visceral difference between the concepts of
- a day /to myself/ which I could probably manage to arrange (heck I could have just stayed home and quiet today and no-one would have noticed)
- a day /for me/ which ideally would include a certain amount of company but ... presupposes or constrains the motivation/willingness of said company to anticipate and take care of me rather than simply respond to my requests (the latter requiring me to undertake the mental and emotional labour of coming up with requests).

Hopefully as often the case dumping all this in my journal will mark the bottom of the cycle.
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