marsden_online (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
marsden_online) wrote2016-01-29 10:29 pm
marsden_online) wrote2016-01-29 10:29 pm
Entry tags:
Why I don't make a "goal" out of becoming not-single
This is probably going to be one of those posts which comes across as being terribly self-pitying, but this is my blog and I want to unpack some stuff. It is sparked by another online thread containing a decent signal of peoples lived experiences and wisdom which I intend to pull some other bits out of in another post.
Summary: Actively pursuing someone would be unacceptably coercive; the shotgun approach to dating would require more emotional energy than I am prepared to invest; I want to feel that someone is interested in /me/ so I am looking for someone to at least make an approach / respond clearly to the approach I make and if they don't then we're back to the first point.
~~~
So companionship is a desire, a want not a need, and as such it can be given a lower priority in my life than /many/ other things including more clearly achievable if lower intensity desires, the kind I can plan towards achieving. I /could/ spend time and energy playing the numbers game of random dating but for me that activity would consume an unacceptably large amount of very limited emotional reserves. That's not the main reason though.
The main reason is that all the courses of action I see suggested and taken by those who are determined that time is running out for them or whatever come down to persuading someone to go out with them. Sometimes borderline coercion, sometimes not so borderline. And some of those relationships may have worked out, but that approach is anathema to the better person I want to be.
I have taken the path of trying to prove that I am the sort of person that would be a good partner; the notions of courtship and winning someones affection are old fashioned and out-of-vogue; and certainly I have taken them too far in the past before I understood that it is not always possible and that persistence is not necessarily a virtue.
Some advice suggests one should stop looking for the sort of person you want and spend your energy becoming the sort of person that the sort of person you want would want to date. This is unhelpful because the sort of person I want is one who wants the sort of person I am. I already spend a lot of energy on being a better sort of person than pure self interest and quite a bit of social conditioning would dictate.
Actually it's probably worth unpacking that a little more. The sort of person (ok yes woman but it's good to be in the habit of using gender-non-specifics) might
- accept that while I will attempt to give to and care for and support them every way I can I also need care and support from time to time and be willing to provide that support to the best of their ability
- understand that in private I can express anger, and I can want to be selfish (which I am very poor at expressing), and is strong enough to weather the grumpiness around me at these times
- because I am very poor at expressing/asking for what I want (for all that I am quick to guess at and offer what others need) be prepared to work with me through that even if it means guessing.
Basically I spend a lot of time and energy on myself and on other people and I don't want to feel that on top of that I am the one doing all or most of the work in maintaining or even establishing a relationship. (Past experiences may have left me a little jaded on this score.) I desire someone to spend energy on me.
(Selfishly I think maybe I'd like someone to spend a disproportionate amount of energy on me for a change, but ethically I don't think I would be comfortable with that for very long.)
The second-to-main reason is that I can not see a way forward, a next step which is appropriate to me. I am capable of making and following very long term plans, as with ongoing house projects, but when step one is meeting more people and I do not know (and have not found for looking) where to meet someone who shares my interests (because I am happy with the range I currently have and do not have the energy to actively cultivate a new one, especially "to meet women" - that seems intrinsically dishonest). The gender balance in my existing social circles is ... skewed, to say the least, and where it is not the age balance is an issue.
My reluctance to venture into the world of online dating may have as much to do with a lack of confidence as with an abiding perception that frankly the odds are poor for my gender and the likely reward too low for the emotional energy expenditure required.
Summary: Actively pursuing someone would be unacceptably coercive; the shotgun approach to dating would require more emotional energy than I am prepared to invest; I want to feel that someone is interested in /me/ so I am looking for someone to at least make an approach / respond clearly to the approach I make and if they don't then we're back to the first point.
~~~
So companionship is a desire, a want not a need, and as such it can be given a lower priority in my life than /many/ other things including more clearly achievable if lower intensity desires, the kind I can plan towards achieving. I /could/ spend time and energy playing the numbers game of random dating but for me that activity would consume an unacceptably large amount of very limited emotional reserves. That's not the main reason though.
The main reason is that all the courses of action I see suggested and taken by those who are determined that time is running out for them or whatever come down to persuading someone to go out with them. Sometimes borderline coercion, sometimes not so borderline. And some of those relationships may have worked out, but that approach is anathema to the better person I want to be.
I have taken the path of trying to prove that I am the sort of person that would be a good partner; the notions of courtship and winning someones affection are old fashioned and out-of-vogue; and certainly I have taken them too far in the past before I understood that it is not always possible and that persistence is not necessarily a virtue.
Some advice suggests one should stop looking for the sort of person you want and spend your energy becoming the sort of person that the sort of person you want would want to date. This is unhelpful because the sort of person I want is one who wants the sort of person I am. I already spend a lot of energy on being a better sort of person than pure self interest and quite a bit of social conditioning would dictate.
Actually it's probably worth unpacking that a little more. The sort of person (ok yes woman but it's good to be in the habit of using gender-non-specifics) might
- accept that while I will attempt to give to and care for and support them every way I can I also need care and support from time to time and be willing to provide that support to the best of their ability
- understand that in private I can express anger, and I can want to be selfish (which I am very poor at expressing), and is strong enough to weather the grumpiness around me at these times
- because I am very poor at expressing/asking for what I want (for all that I am quick to guess at and offer what others need) be prepared to work with me through that even if it means guessing.
Basically I spend a lot of time and energy on myself and on other people and I don't want to feel that on top of that I am the one doing all or most of the work in maintaining or even establishing a relationship. (Past experiences may have left me a little jaded on this score.) I desire someone to spend energy on me.
(Selfishly I think maybe I'd like someone to spend a disproportionate amount of energy on me for a change, but ethically I don't think I would be comfortable with that for very long.)
The second-to-main reason is that I can not see a way forward, a next step which is appropriate to me. I am capable of making and following very long term plans, as with ongoing house projects, but when step one is meeting more people and I do not know (and have not found for looking) where to meet someone who shares my interests (because I am happy with the range I currently have and do not have the energy to actively cultivate a new one, especially "to meet women" - that seems intrinsically dishonest). The gender balance in my existing social circles is ... skewed, to say the least, and where it is not the age balance is an issue.
My reluctance to venture into the world of online dating may have as much to do with a lack of confidence as with an abiding perception that frankly the odds are poor for my gender and the likely reward too low for the emotional energy expenditure required.