marsden_online (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
marsden_online) wrote2014-01-23 12:12 am
marsden_online) wrote2014-01-23 12:12 am
Entry tags:
Cutting to the core (4 of 4) Proving Worthy
A month or so ago I jotted in my tumblr
Once upon a time I harboured the foolish romantic idea that if someone you cared for wasn't interested in you right now it was possible, through doing the right thing (whatever that was) and just persevered long enough, that they would come around to understanding that you were someone with which it was worth having a relationship. There was no doubt in my mind - and never has been - that I am worth having a relationship with - it was just a matter of how to prove it.
In retrospect this storyline played on both the generous and the stubborn traits which are significant parts of my nature. If I was helpful enough, useful enough, caring enough, for long enough it would work out to everyone's benefit including who I wanted wanting me back.
In time I grew up a bit and came to understand that people don't actually work like that, at least not in the modern world where women are free(er) to follow their heart than choosing who will be the best provider (fundamentally what that old story is about). But I've never stopped clinging to the core idea that the *right* sort of person to be is someone who is kind and caring and helpful regardless and that one day I would meet someone who is attracted to those qualities and be interested in a relationship.
[JustALittleBitterness]Years of lack of evidence notwithstanding.[/JustALittleBitterness]
So here I am, still trying to prove my worth to *somebody* (not just *anybody*, I'm not going to throw away my usual caution and principles just because someone is interested in me - a bad match is still a bad idea. And opening up that part of me to somebody hurts now so I too have to be reasonably sure the positives will outweigh the pain).
To be sure it hasn't worked out too badly for me - I have friends - good friends - and I have respect. I feel that I "belong" in situations within my social circle as or more often as not now.
But I lack {yearn for, do not know how to get/initiate/ask for, do not recognise the offer of} intimacy, bonding ("romantic") love, even lust/sex. Somebody who feels these things for me. These are the rewards at the end of the quest, the beginning of "happily ever after" (maybe only until the next tale begins). The proof that I have proven worthy in this part of my life.
As long as this is the case I feel that I must be doing something wrong; that I do not know the right thing to do; that for years upon years I have failed and continue to fail.
~~~
I really don't know what to do about this one, but it is at the core. It is fulcrum over which everything else rises or falls.
- "I am worthy of love etc etc" is a perfectly positive storyline, even if "worthy" does veer towards "deserve" in my darker patches.
- I don't need to prove it any more - if it hasn't been proven by now when will it ever? (There goes that dash of bitterness again.)
- "Be a good person" (means doing x, y, z ... within limits) is so completely internalised it would require a full personality transplant / brain damage to alter significantly (neither are desirable options). Besides it's one of the main things which keeps my anger from spilling out too often.
- The desire for intimacy & my libido sure aren't going anywhere (even if the antidepressants have thrown a wrench in the plumbing).
I keep coming back to this one problem - I have this need (desire might be a more accurate word since a need is technically something one can't survive without) which all the self-validation in the world can't address. The most common advice - anything that resembles treating meeting women as a "numbers game" or "leaning a new interest" with the primary motive of hoping to meet someone frankly just feels dishonest. Besides I know plenty of attractive women who already share the same interests I do - whatever the problem is with me branching out into random new social groups is unlikely to fix it.
Which leaves me where I am - waiting. Looking, but waiting for either an epiphany which will open up a new path or someone who will sooth my troubled soul. Well, soul probably isn't the right word but it is the word which feels right.
Questions of myself
What are you trying to do?
Prove Worthy
Worthy of what?
Not of what, of whom.
Once upon a time I harboured the foolish romantic idea that if someone you cared for wasn't interested in you right now it was possible, through doing the right thing (whatever that was) and just persevered long enough, that they would come around to understanding that you were someone with which it was worth having a relationship. There was no doubt in my mind - and never has been - that I am worth having a relationship with - it was just a matter of how to prove it.
In retrospect this storyline played on both the generous and the stubborn traits which are significant parts of my nature. If I was helpful enough, useful enough, caring enough, for long enough it would work out to everyone's benefit including who I wanted wanting me back.
In time I grew up a bit and came to understand that people don't actually work like that, at least not in the modern world where women are free(er) to follow their heart than choosing who will be the best provider (fundamentally what that old story is about). But I've never stopped clinging to the core idea that the *right* sort of person to be is someone who is kind and caring and helpful regardless and that one day I would meet someone who is attracted to those qualities and be interested in a relationship.
[JustALittleBitterness]Years of lack of evidence notwithstanding.[/JustALittleBitterness]
So here I am, still trying to prove my worth to *somebody* (not just *anybody*, I'm not going to throw away my usual caution and principles just because someone is interested in me - a bad match is still a bad idea. And opening up that part of me to somebody hurts now so I too have to be reasonably sure the positives will outweigh the pain).
To be sure it hasn't worked out too badly for me - I have friends - good friends - and I have respect. I feel that I "belong" in situations within my social circle as or more often as not now.
But I lack {yearn for, do not know how to get/initiate/ask for, do not recognise the offer of} intimacy, bonding ("romantic") love, even lust/sex. Somebody who feels these things for me. These are the rewards at the end of the quest, the beginning of "happily ever after" (maybe only until the next tale begins). The proof that I have proven worthy in this part of my life.
As long as this is the case I feel that I must be doing something wrong; that I do not know the right thing to do; that for years upon years I have failed and continue to fail.
~~~
I really don't know what to do about this one, but it is at the core. It is fulcrum over which everything else rises or falls.
- "I am worthy of love etc etc" is a perfectly positive storyline, even if "worthy" does veer towards "deserve" in my darker patches.
- I don't need to prove it any more - if it hasn't been proven by now when will it ever? (There goes that dash of bitterness again.)
- "Be a good person" (means doing x, y, z ... within limits) is so completely internalised it would require a full personality transplant / brain damage to alter significantly (neither are desirable options). Besides it's one of the main things which keeps my anger from spilling out too often.
- The desire for intimacy & my libido sure aren't going anywhere (even if the antidepressants have thrown a wrench in the plumbing).
I keep coming back to this one problem - I have this need (desire might be a more accurate word since a need is technically something one can't survive without) which all the self-validation in the world can't address. The most common advice - anything that resembles treating meeting women as a "numbers game" or "leaning a new interest" with the primary motive of hoping to meet someone frankly just feels dishonest. Besides I know plenty of attractive women who already share the same interests I do - whatever the problem is with me branching out into random new social groups is unlikely to fix it.
Which leaves me where I am - waiting. Looking, but waiting for either an epiphany which will open up a new path or someone who will sooth my troubled soul. Well, soul probably isn't the right word but it is the word which feels right.