marsden_online (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
marsden_online) wrote2014-09-03 09:40 pm
marsden_online) wrote2014-09-03 09:40 pm
Entry tags:
Consent and Responsibility
I have realised there is an important point I only touched on indirectly in my previous post on Consent and KAOS, and that is to do with personal responsibility.
This post is a follow-up to address that point.
Same as before:
1. Mild trigger and hot-button warnings for conversation around sexual assault, non/consent and KAOS party behaviour.
2. I've tried to keep this as gender neutral as possible - I know we're socially conditioned to automatically cast thse events in a M-on-F light but F-on-M, F-on-F and M-on-M events are equally problematic, and often more difficult to speak up about.
3. Conversation seems to have started at Livejournal for the original post anyway, so if you are reading this on Dreamwidth please go to LJ to comment on this post as well. Anon comments will be screened automatically.
4. These are my opinions; opinions do not exist in a vacumn. I'm happy to engage further in conversation/debate; I'm happy for people to share their experiences if they feel like doing so; I will not tolerate personal attacks, criticism of peoples actions/reactions in an event or well-intended advice in response.
5. At points in these posts I've straight out borrowed from a few other people who have already said the things I would like to say, often better, with permission for the big chunks. I haven't attributed these because I want people to be able to choose if or how they enter the conversation. If you recognise someone's voice or comment from elsewhere please respect that. If you see your words in here, thank you.
I wrote that people need to be responsible for speaking up, and need to be responsible for supporting those who speak up and supporting those who take being called out to heart. I never mentioned the responsibility of the individual not to put themselves in a situation they might be uncomfortable with, or to prepare for finding themselves in a situation they might not be comfortable with.
That is because when entering a safe environment* they have no such responsibility.
*or an environment proclaimed as safe
Here's someone else summing up what taking responsibility for your own safety looks like from the inside.[quoted with permission]
That's an awful lot of spoons they should be spending on enjoying themselves - but can't, because KAOS is not a safe environment. Moreover all the precautions in the world won't help if someone decides they are going to ignore the rules.
How do we change this? By fostering a culture where we take responsibility for our own actions as well as holding other people responsible for theirs. By accepting that sometimes you (we) do not get what you (we) want.
This is how society - any society - manages to function in general. People are prepared to accept not having some of their desires go unmet in order that everyone gets along and works together.
Why is it suddenly so different when (intimately) personal space is involved? It's not.
Basically, take responsibility for not being a dick.
You don't want someone sexually assaulted at a party? First step - don't sexually assault them (then make sure your friends and heck their "friends" and complete strangers don't either).
You don't want people feeling uncomfortable at a party? First step - don't make them feel uncomfortable. This is a social skill, it can be learnt - the basics are just recognising and respecting personal space and body language. And consent.
You want to get closer to someone at a party? What does it cost you to set aside your selfish desire for a moment and ask? Yes for some people (myself included) just asking takes quite a lot of spoons, and for most people being "rejected" chews up a few more*. And yes, it is possible that you are not going to get what you would like, just like you can't afford to buy that thing you really want right now.
How does what it costs you occasionally having to step up and ask compare to what it costs those like the person quoted above to constantly be checking? SFA isn't it? It's a fairly simple (I'm not going to say "easy" because I know it is not) thing everyone can do to make parties a lot more fun, more relaxed, happier place for other people there. Why wouldn't you?
(You know what else costs spoons? Not asking because you're afraid of being rejected. Living that anticipation over and over again sucks it out of you slower than one big hit of being rejected and dealing with it, and ultimately takes far more. If you think you have enough spoons to take the hit, take the chance.
You know what else costs spoons? Long-term unrequited attraction. I'm sorry I don't have a solution for this, you'll just have to take responsibility for your feelings, respect the other person's (lack of) desires and cope. I wish I had done this sooner, I'm sorry.)
Don't leave it to the people around you to tell you when you are in the wrong before assessing your behaviour past or intended. When you make the inevitable mistakes take responsibility for those too, and make yourself a better person because of it.
If they're intoxicated they can't give proper consent. Even if you are also intoxicated you might have to be the one responsible for calling for a slow-down and a rain-check on where things are heading.
You know someone well enough to know the answer is going to be no / the question is going to make them uncomfortable? Then don't ask / persist in asking. And don't just go ahead and take what you want anyway. Don't "just push their boundaries". That makes you part of the problem. That makes you someone I want out of my social group to keep it safe; ultimately more than that I want you to learn better so that you're not just a threat to someone else somewhere else.
Learn something about power dynamics and relationships and if it looks like there is a serious mismatch with someone you might be interested in act responsibly and steer clear, or at least proceed with utmost caution. This goes triple+ if you are the one with the power. Because KAOS has such a wide range of ages, life/career stages, and even social statuses this comes up more than you might think.
It is not the responsibility of those who feel threatened to "prepare themselves" for entering a social environment. It is the responsibility of those they feel threatened by to lift our game not only to the point where we are no longer a threat - but to the point where we are also no longer felt to be a threat. That includes rooting out any predators and deliberate dicks among us (some of which can be pretty darn clever at disguising themselves as harmless.) That includes nipping negative behaviours displayed by the young and impressionable (and the old and set in their ways) in the bud so that treating people with respect in all situations become second nature.
People can mutter about "practicalities" and "dealing with the real world" all they like and in an imperfect situation these things do have to be taken in to account. But to me that also sounds like they are abdicating responsibility for doing anything about a bad situation, or worse are someone who has something invested in maintaining the unsafe status quo for some reason, and that's not good enough.
This post is a follow-up to address that point.
Rules and Disclaimers
Same as before:
1. Mild trigger and hot-button warnings for conversation around sexual assault, non/consent and KAOS party behaviour.
2. I've tried to keep this as gender neutral as possible - I know we're socially conditioned to automatically cast thse events in a M-on-F light but F-on-M, F-on-F and M-on-M events are equally problematic, and often more difficult to speak up about.
3. Conversation seems to have started at Livejournal for the original post anyway, so if you are reading this on Dreamwidth please go to LJ to comment on this post as well. Anon comments will be screened automatically.
4. These are my opinions; opinions do not exist in a vacumn. I'm happy to engage further in conversation/debate; I'm happy for people to share their experiences if they feel like doing so; I will not tolerate personal attacks, criticism of peoples actions/reactions in an event or well-intended advice in response.
5. At points in these posts I've straight out borrowed from a few other people who have already said the things I would like to say, often better, with permission for the big chunks. I haven't attributed these because I want people to be able to choose if or how they enter the conversation. If you recognise someone's voice or comment from elsewhere please respect that. If you see your words in here, thank you.
Personal responsibility
I wrote that people need to be responsible for speaking up, and need to be responsible for supporting those who speak up and supporting those who take being called out to heart. I never mentioned the responsibility of the individual not to put themselves in a situation they might be uncomfortable with, or to prepare for finding themselves in a situation they might not be comfortable with.
That is because when entering a safe environment* they have no such responsibility.
*or an environment proclaimed as safe
Here's someone else summing up what taking responsibility for your own safety looks like from the inside.[quoted with permission]
I also agree with just wanting to feel safe at parties (another reason I don't go anymore) - often I have to look around the room at who I have near me to stop myself getting anxious and uncomfortable (like, okay [friend] is over there, I'm talking to [friend] and [friend], if I have to get up and go get a drink [friend] and [friend] are in the kitchen so that's fine) like I shouldn't have to set up mental checkpoints just to stop myself feeling trapped. But I have always had these people, whereas most first years will have one or two people at the most and I don't even want to think about how someone like me (read anxiety prone and not interested in being touched by strangers) would feel in that environment without that support network. Which is why I think it's important to introduce that kind of network early.
That's an awful lot of spoons they should be spending on enjoying themselves - but can't, because KAOS is not a safe environment. Moreover all the precautions in the world won't help if someone decides they are going to ignore the rules.
How do we change this? By fostering a culture where we take responsibility for our own actions as well as holding other people responsible for theirs. By accepting that sometimes you (we) do not get what you (we) want.
This is how society - any society - manages to function in general. People are prepared to accept not having some of their desires go unmet in order that everyone gets along and works together.
- we learn to stop at red lights
- we learn not to lash out at others when we are hurt or angry
- we learn not to take what we want and walk out of a shop without paying, or to ask for permission before "borrowing" something
- and we learn that sometimes you don't get to have the food / item / convenience you want, and that's OK
Why is it suddenly so different when (intimately) personal space is involved? It's not.
What do you do?
Basically, take responsibility for not being a dick.
You don't want someone sexually assaulted at a party? First step - don't sexually assault them (then make sure your friends and heck their "friends" and complete strangers don't either).
You don't want people feeling uncomfortable at a party? First step - don't make them feel uncomfortable. This is a social skill, it can be learnt - the basics are just recognising and respecting personal space and body language. And consent.
You want to get closer to someone at a party? What does it cost you to set aside your selfish desire for a moment and ask? Yes for some people (myself included) just asking takes quite a lot of spoons, and for most people being "rejected" chews up a few more*. And yes, it is possible that you are not going to get what you would like, just like you can't afford to buy that thing you really want right now.
How does what it costs you occasionally having to step up and ask compare to what it costs those like the person quoted above to constantly be checking? SFA isn't it? It's a fairly simple (I'm not going to say "easy" because I know it is not) thing everyone can do to make parties a lot more fun, more relaxed, happier place for other people there. Why wouldn't you?
(You know what else costs spoons? Not asking because you're afraid of being rejected. Living that anticipation over and over again sucks it out of you slower than one big hit of being rejected and dealing with it, and ultimately takes far more. If you think you have enough spoons to take the hit, take the chance.
You know what else costs spoons? Long-term unrequited attraction. I'm sorry I don't have a solution for this, you'll just have to take responsibility for your feelings, respect the other person's (lack of) desires and cope. I wish I had done this sooner, I'm sorry.)
Advanced suggestions
Don't leave it to the people around you to tell you when you are in the wrong before assessing your behaviour past or intended. When you make the inevitable mistakes take responsibility for those too, and make yourself a better person because of it.
If they're intoxicated they can't give proper consent. Even if you are also intoxicated you might have to be the one responsible for calling for a slow-down and a rain-check on where things are heading.
You know someone well enough to know the answer is going to be no / the question is going to make them uncomfortable? Then don't ask / persist in asking. And don't just go ahead and take what you want anyway. Don't "just push their boundaries". That makes you part of the problem. That makes you someone I want out of my social group to keep it safe; ultimately more than that I want you to learn better so that you're not just a threat to someone else somewhere else.
Learn something about power dynamics and relationships and if it looks like there is a serious mismatch with someone you might be interested in act responsibly and steer clear, or at least proceed with utmost caution. This goes triple+ if you are the one with the power. Because KAOS has such a wide range of ages, life/career stages, and even social statuses this comes up more than you might think.
Conclusion
It is not the responsibility of those who feel threatened to "prepare themselves" for entering a social environment. It is the responsibility of those they feel threatened by to lift our game not only to the point where we are no longer a threat - but to the point where we are also no longer felt to be a threat. That includes rooting out any predators and deliberate dicks among us (some of which can be pretty darn clever at disguising themselves as harmless.) That includes nipping negative behaviours displayed by the young and impressionable (and the old and set in their ways) in the bud so that treating people with respect in all situations become second nature.
People can mutter about "practicalities" and "dealing with the real world" all they like and in an imperfect situation these things do have to be taken in to account. But to me that also sounds like they are abdicating responsibility for doing anything about a bad situation, or worse are someone who has something invested in maintaining the unsafe status quo for some reason, and that's not good enough.