marsden_online (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
marsden_online) wrote2020-04-04 09:14 pm
marsden_online) wrote2020-04-04 09:14 pm
Entry tags:
- angst,
- blather,
- brain dump,
- depression,
- despair,
- health,
- life,
- sanity
A great nothingness
I don't know if I have fallen through the void and out the bottom, or pulled back a little, but by the end of yesterday I was left feeling a great nothingness. It has receded a little this evening to leave just exhaustion and general grumpiness.
I know I have been struggling the past week. Pushing things and giving too much to others. There just doesn't seem to have been very much time/opportunity for me to take for myself.
My body clock has shifted two more hours in the wrong direction, now apparently on a 2am to midday sleep cycle. (My own fault for staying up to 2am playing FreeCiv one night last weekend). This has knock on effects to the hours I am working.
Work/life hours have /not/ fallen out as expected. Although I am mostly sticking to the plan of a couple of hours work, some downtime/chores, repeat, I am not finishing work by early evening to then relax / spend time with D. as the maths would suggest. One evening I finished work at midnight. Other activities I have been called on to continue into the evening even though I think I am pretty clearly, explicitly sometimes, operating past the limits of my exhaustion have finished later.
I have not managed any time on my own projects at all unless you count the gardening, where I have managed to keep pruning the hedge at one green-bin per week, and a little computer gaming.
Then last night (in addition to the nothingness) I got trapped listening to an audiobook and didn't get to any kind of sleep until after 5am, eventually emerging after 2pm. Heaven knows what effect that will have. Until a few minutes ago I was not sure if I would go to bed at a reasonable time tonight because I feel exhausted or if I will try and stay up all night and tomorrow, but now I think it will be bed. I am just not sure if I will get to sleep.
This article from Rands seems appropriate
Except it's not BAM, because time drags, my focus is not great and while I am making probably adequate process on my work projects it doesn't feel like I am making /enough/ given current urgency. But there are no breaks of the sort that I suppose having to pop out an move the car to a new parking space, or the 20 minute commute to/from work enforced. I switch from work mode to home (chores/relationship) mode and back again.
Even my hoped for downtime today has been mostly hijacked. I'm not complaining too much because the outcome of this will be a gaming group starting back up, but it was a serious effort for me to participate.
I know I have been struggling the past week. Pushing things and giving too much to others. There just doesn't seem to have been very much time/opportunity for me to take for myself.
My body clock has shifted two more hours in the wrong direction, now apparently on a 2am to midday sleep cycle. (My own fault for staying up to 2am playing FreeCiv one night last weekend). This has knock on effects to the hours I am working.
Work/life hours have /not/ fallen out as expected. Although I am mostly sticking to the plan of a couple of hours work, some downtime/chores, repeat, I am not finishing work by early evening to then relax / spend time with D. as the maths would suggest. One evening I finished work at midnight. Other activities I have been called on to continue into the evening even though I think I am pretty clearly, explicitly sometimes, operating past the limits of my exhaustion have finished later.
I have not managed any time on my own projects at all unless you count the gardening, where I have managed to keep pruning the hedge at one green-bin per week, and a little computer gaming.
Then last night (in addition to the nothingness) I got trapped listening to an audiobook and didn't get to any kind of sleep until after 5am, eventually emerging after 2pm. Heaven knows what effect that will have. Until a few minutes ago I was not sure if I would go to bed at a reasonable time tonight because I feel exhausted or if I will try and stay up all night and tomorrow, but now I think it will be bed. I am just not sure if I will get to sleep.
This article from Rands seems appropriate
The experience was the same on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. Wake-up, get ready, sit down for the 9am meeting and BAM it’s 6pm, I haven’t really eaten, the sun is going down, and I have a slight headache. Part of this focus is certainly a coping mechanism. I seek normality because everything else appears broken. The absence of calm that comes with standing up, walking across the building, being out of the meeting mindset, letting my mind wander, and unwinding is startling.
Rands in Repose: The Housekeeping of the Intangible
Except it's not BAM, because time drags, my focus is not great and while I am making probably adequate process on my work projects it doesn't feel like I am making /enough/ given current urgency. But there are no breaks of the sort that I suppose having to pop out an move the car to a new parking space, or the 20 minute commute to/from work enforced. I switch from work mode to home (chores/relationship) mode and back again.
Even my hoped for downtime today has been mostly hijacked. I'm not complaining too much because the outcome of this will be a gaming group starting back up, but it was a serious effort for me to participate.