marsden_online: (elf)
If I am honest I have been procrastinating starting this post. But I have also been rolling bits of it around and around in my head.

To start go and read the comic No 'I' in Sex from Toby Morris's PencilSword, if you haven't seen it already. The rest of this post will wait :)
continued )
marsden_online: (Blueknight)
- It "wasn't a problem in your day" aka "the youth of today" argument

- it wasn't happening /despite/ your obliviousness

- you have any right to disregard/diminish/dismiss other peoples lived experiences because they don't match your narrative

- you are in any way excused from trying to pull your weight in addressing the issue now that you /are/ aware of it.

Ref: Fix up, young men & subsequent comments thread
marsden_online: (Blueknight)
Several months ago this thread on Unpaid Emotional Labour came to my attention via Facebook. It is a very long and emotionally fraught conversation in which many people shared their own personal stories and which at that time took me about 5 hours to work my way through, before I left it open in a permatab to re-read and post about at a later date.

If 5 hours sounds a bit much, just recently a condensed version (pdf)

This thread was especially useful to me in adding language and concepts around emotional labour to my toolkit, and shining a light on
- how much of it I actually do in my life and whewre; which is sadly apparently more than is generally expected of men in our society and yet still much less than is expected of women.
- how ways in which I have gone looking for support in the past may have amounted to causing unwanted emotional labour for my friends, for which I am sorry.

A lot of the stories/bits of quotes resonated in other ways too, and my intention in saving the thread for later is still to go through and pull some of those quotes fully out of that context and into mine, to unravel some of those emotional chords. That is however not this post.
marsden_online: (write)
I have realised there is an important point I only touched on indirectly in my previous post on Consent and KAOS, and that is to do with personal responsibility.
This post is a follow-up to address that point.

Rules and Disclaimers


Same as before:
1. Mild trigger and hot-button warnings for conversation around sexual assault, non/consent and KAOS party behaviour.
2. I've tried to keep this as gender neutral as possible - I know we're socially conditioned to automatically cast thse events in a M-on-F light but F-on-M, F-on-F and M-on-M events are equally problematic, and often more difficult to speak up about.
3. Conversation seems to have started at Livejournal for the original post anyway, so if you are reading this on Dreamwidth please go to LJ to comment on this post as well. Anon comments will be screened automatically.
4. These are my opinions; opinions do not exist in a vacumn. I'm happy to engage further in conversation/debate; I'm happy for people to share their experiences if they feel like doing so; I will not tolerate personal attacks, criticism of peoples actions/reactions in an event or well-intended advice in response.
5. At points in these posts I've straight out borrowed from a few other people who have already said the things I would like to say, often better, with permission for the big chunks. I haven't attributed these because I want people to be able to choose if or how they enter the conversation. If you recognise someone's voice or comment from elsewhere please respect that. If you see your words in here, thank you.
Personal responsibility )
What do you do? )
Advanced suggestions )
Conclusion )
marsden_online: (write)
So this weekend the periodically re-occuring discussion on behaviour and consent at KAOS parties fired up again. And it feels like there is a new vibe to it this time, a more positive one than I have experienced in my going-on-20 years of seeing it repeated.

This post collects a lot of my thoughts and opinions on the subject into one place. Because FB discussions are hard to reference later and verbal discussions even more so, and heck some of these are just jotted down in my notes for my contribution to an somewhat improvised speaking at the 48-Hour party just been.

Rules and Disclaimers


1. Mild trigger and hot-button warnings for conversation around sexual assault, non/consent and KAOS party behaviour.
2. I've tried to keep this as gender neutral as possible - I know we're socially conditioned to automatically cast thse events in a M-on-F light but F-on-M, F-on-F and M-on-M events are equally problematic, and often more difficult to speak up about.
3. Comments on this post to be directed at the Dreamwidth version please. Anon comments will be screened automatically.
Update: conversation seems to have started at the Livejournal post anyway, so comment there.
4. These are my opinions; opinions do not exist in a vacumn. I'm happy to engage further in conversation/debate; I'm happy for people to share their experiences if they feel like doing so; I will not tolerate personal attacks, criticism of peoples actions/reactions in an event or well-intended advice in response.
5. At points in this post I've straight out borrowed from a few other people who have already said the things I would like to say, often better, with permission for the big chunks. I haven't attributed these because I want people to be able to choose if or how they enter the conversation. If you recognise someone's voice or comment from elsewhere please respect that. If you see your words in here, thank you.

A matter of scale )
Surfacing the experiences )
Framing the problem )
Partial solutions )
Missing stairs )
Calling people out )
Your responsibilities when you bring a friend to KAOS )
Modelling consent )
marsden_online: (write)
Cracked.com has a post on some of the cultural programming that men encounter about women. (And let's not forget that women are exposed to the same messages.)

I'm still turning over how much some of these memes might have had an influence on me (that they have is undeniable) but I actually want to spin off one line of the article to go into something more personal.
So, from about age 13 on, around 90 percent of our energy and discipline is devoted to overcoming this, to behave like civilized human beings ...

The rest of the sentence isn't really relevant. This sums up where an awful lot of my spoons go when I'm out in public, and even when I'm communicating (or deciding whether or not to communicate) online.

Maybe other people internalise it better, maybe my routines just run closer to the conscious mind such that I can observe them. They include
- don't stare
- give everyone due attention/acknowledgement
- think before you speak. Then think again.
- don't marginalise
- avoid anything likely to give offence
- try to avoid preconceptions about people
- recognise and counter internalised biases stemming from culture/privilege
- avoid anything likely to give offence (yes I know I put it twice)

These are habits that have formed over decades. They override my basic mode of interaction which is pretty arrogant and abrasive. Mostly they're OK because courtesy is the grease which keeps the wheels of society turning, and the cycles spent on these sort of things are just one of the prices we pay for the benefits. That I may have to spend relatively more of my resources (that's what it often feels like) in the process is just one of those things.

Being the type of person I am these habits are very firmly ingrained. So far that it becomes a problem in situations where for not-so-random example flirting would be appropriate, maybe even invited*. In any more intimate situation where communication requires doing or saying things which would not be acceptable in a wider social situation, or in a formal situation where a likely hurtful opinion/criticism needs to be expressed - the habits don't differentiate. "Acceptable" and "non-upsetting" override "desired" and sometimes even "necessary".

So in these situations I stall. Why? Because just the other side of those habits - which are safety catches - lies a pool of anger and violence that I can only see unlocking as a valid response in extreme cases. And - here's the real problem - that I don't want to risk opening accidentally on anyone I care about. Or, anyone I might be having a good time with who hasn't signed up to deal with my baggage.

~~~
*I'm probably doing myself no favours admitting as a 30mumble guy that I don't know how to progress when a woman is interested in me, even if I happen to have picked up the signals.
marsden_online: (Blueknight)
Rape Culture 101
~~~
The new, silent, French revolution - Paris trials help-yourself, electrically powered hire cars on the same model as the Paris do-it-yourself bicycle hire scheme.

~~~
The Economy of Ideas written about the issues surrounding digital property sometime in the 90's I believe, issues still not resolved.
Throughout the time I've been groping around cyberspace, an immense, unsolved conundrum has remained at the root of nearly every legal, ethical, governmental, and social vexation to be found in the Virtual World. I refer to the problem of digitized property. The enigma is this: If our property can be infinitely reproduced and instantaneously distributed all over the planet without cost, without our knowledge, without its even leaving our possession, how can we protect it? How are we going to get paid for the work we do with our minds? And, if we can't get paid, what will assure the continued creation and distribution of such work?

Since we don't have a solution to what is a profoundly new kind of challenge, and are apparently unable to delay the galloping digitization of everything not obstinately physical, we are sailing into the future on a sinking ship.
~~~
Personal names around the world
People who create web forms, databases, or ontologies are often unaware how different people’s names can be in other countries. They build their forms or databases in a way that assumes too much on the part of foreign users. This article will first introduce you to some of the different styles used for personal names, and then some of the possible implications for handling those on the Web.
~~~

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