marsden_online: (Blueknight)
Whenever I get overwhelmed by life people suggest I should cut my ties to Antonio Hall. I'm not sure why this is the first thing that comes to mind for them, over say gaming or work both of which often come with similar proportions of frustration to reward.

I am well aware that at some point the decision is going to be taken out of my hands. The Hall will be sold or the owners will decide to develop the site themselves or some other condition will arise which puts and end to the work we are doing there. (Here actually,as I type this between groups of photographers on a beautiful warm autumny day in the middle of winter.) At that time I will grieve then move on to some other project. But for now it does fulfill several important needs in my life.

Enforced down/quiet/me time
Away from the computer and stream of internet where I can let my brain just settle, or read, or write, or prep for games. With advance warning I have my laptop and phone charged, one for writing (one of those things I mean to do more of) and the other for reading through the backlog of email newsletters a few at a time (and still being reachable and checking FB every 30 minutes or so for that sense of connection). This is good for me on multiple levels.

Meeting new and interesting people and building something together
- I enjoy witnessing the amazement at and enjoyment of the Hall. Even for those who simply come through once on a tour (number beyond count now) I know I have played a small part in bringing some amount of wonder into their lives, and that's a good feeling.
- Breaking out of my social limits and meeting new people was one of the reasons I got myself involved in organising more than just a few visits for my friends in the first place, and it still stands. Some of these people have gone on to become valued friends in their own rights.
- Another good feeling is at the end of a working bee day (or other fix-up session) when we look and see what a difference has been made. Nowhere else in my life do I get this feeling of actual physical achievement as part of a team. Work - independent projects. Gaming success (RPG but also team board/card games) are great, but they lack the sense of having made a (short but) lasting impact on the real world. Which brings us to ...

The opportunity to make a real difference
Much as I enjoy the activity, "work" rarely presents me with the opportunity to really make things better for people. Many of my "good deeds" are very much stop-gap measures backed by the belief that things can and will get (or be made) better for people in the medium/long term. House projects will have benefits for people after me, but that's a very long term payoff which I will probably not see in person.

The people whom we enable to come to the Hall - many of them take away something lasting. More than just memories and amazing photos but /experiences/ ... often experience and progress towards an assessment or goal of theirs. And just maybe a little more inspiration to step up somewhere and make some other part of the world better.

And if not me, then who? (Not entirely a rhetorical question, perfectly willing to share responsibility :) )
It's hard to explain how important that fundamental idea of making a positive difference is in my approach to the world. I can usually only make very small differences now-and-again, but here and now with the Hall it is possible to make a whole lot of them. The benefits as I see them almost always outweigh the cost to me. (It's just that the bill sometimes comes due unexpectedly).
marsden_online: (skull)
Reading back over the past few years entries I notice a clear pattern of going in already exhausted and not getting nearly as much gaming done as I would like. This year was no exception; various issues at work have triggered emotional breakpoints and seen me push myself harder than is safe. To boot a head cold which has been threatening for the past fortnight arrived with a vengeance, leading to me wearing a flu mask Sunday and Monday; arguably I should also have done so Saturday or even not attended at all. However I had a friend down from Wellington staying with me and commensurate responsibilities to make sure she was able to be there.

Despite my efforts to keep the Hall calendar clear it had two entries; the Saturday morning one was a no-show and the Monday afternoon one arrived an hour late and then was un-prepared and spent half-an-hour doing make-up. I was able to leave them shooting with someone else on site but both instances meant time spent waiting around in cold wet weather when I could have been gaming. An alarm call out just after midnight on Saturday morning did not help matters.

My brain is blanking on some of the games I played and when
- Saturday had at least four games, starting with Betrayal at the House on the Hill which I had to abandon to get to the Hall, but apparently the Haunt won two rounds later (although we'd seemed to be in a good position), late afternoon was Kingsburgh, later in the evening a quick 2-player learning game of Fairy(Faery?)Tale and then ? . I was also able to purchase enough card sleeves of appropriate size from the Comics Compulsion table to kill time sleeving my copy of DC Heroes.
- Sunday I had two long, 3-player games of DC Heroes Crisis with different people where we lost at the very end, the first time to the final crisis and the second time by the stack running out when we had only to defeat the final super-villain two more times. I must have played Roll for the Galaxy because we discovered one of the cups missing. Jamaica because I noticed one of our often-indecisive players was quite quick at it.
- Monday had Castles of the Mad King Ludwig (which someone kindly stepped out of to let me play when I arrived as it was being set up) followed by Egizia. After getting back from the Hall I managed a game of DC Heroes before helping a little with pack up.

Today I called into work sick and have spent it napping / doing chores around the house / a delivery/groceries run / coughing a lung out. I would have liked to go along to Saga tonight for a couple more games but by about 4pm I had to admit to myself that wasn't going to happen.

~~~
Three times during the past few days I have teetered on the brink of emotional collapse. One was Saturday morning trying to get out of the house on time after oversleeping, and that was pure exhaustion.

The second was when I wandered upstairs on Sunday night to try and take some discrete photos of the LARPs in progress (trying to keep myself occupied and stable between running out of gaming options myself and my guest finishing up) to be shooed off. The shooing off wasn't entirely unexpected but the way it made me feel was. The third was being called out on possibly having taken photos including someone without permission - I haven't actually looked at the photos yet but yeah likely. I was sick, tired and probably sloppy with my judgement/recall/asking.

I'm still trying to figure out the reason the last two hit me so hard; I can't tell right now whether I'm feeling hurt by the criticism, upset with myself for not being more careful / not holding myself to high enough standards, or because I caused upset to someone I care about. In any case all there is to be done is apologise and attempt to not repeat the mistake.

Probably also time to book another psych appointment.

Tapped out

May. 6th, 2017 10:14 pm
marsden_online: (skull)
It has been a long week, or maybe longer. I have been giving a lot in both time and treasure, and while there is plenty of treasure left I am physically and emotionally exhausted. today when I got home from Hall duties and grocery shopping I "napped" 4pm-9pm before dragging myself out of bed for a nice dinner which I had purchased the foundation of, and although still exhausted there are other things I am determined to get done before returning to (hopeful but unlikely given my dreams) oblivion.

~~~
This week in particular has been all early starts between having mother staying here while a relative is in hospital and several groups wanting early starts at the Hall for film projects. Fortunately others have been able to cover some of that time because while I could let them in I could not justify taking all the time off work.

As it was the relatively early starts at work were compensated for by finishing earlier most days so I only did my usual amount of hours, although even those were a struggle. And I messed up my timekeeping which resulted in finding a "we really need you to up your game" email from the manager in my home mailbox (replying to my weekly invoice) after I got home from the party last night. It didn't send me into the sort of tailspin these sometimes have in the past (although I had to expend spoons determinedly refusing to let it) but I was already feeling pretty low.

I had actually quite enjoyed the party itself (KAOS perversion party, which generally has at-best-even odds that I will maintain an emotional equilibrium), but on the way home several glooms had set in, some expected and some not, one which I have not experienced so sharply in I-cant't-remember-when.

That particular one which is about how easy it would be for me to manipulate/control people to get what (who) I want is probably a danger sign. It is perhaps the aspect of myself I have been fighting the longest, in my determination to be a good person rather then the total arsehole my instinctive unfiltered reactions and desires would have me be.

I don't know if people think having a considered, positive approach to the world is easy for me. It's really not a lot of the time. I am pretty much constantly filtering my actions and output so as to constructively help (as I want to do) rather than unwittingly hurt (which I am also very good at as those who have known me for a long time will be aware). It sometimes chews through quite a lot of my daily energy.

Wanting to help; being determined to make things "right" at a level which leaves me little choice, may also have been responsible for some of this weeks issues at work. It cones with the particular frustration of having to recover from what was essentially someone else's failure at requirements discovery; something which I do find myself having to compensate for quite frequently.
marsden_online: (Ghostfighter)
Background: Yesterday there was an alarm event at the Hall in which the two intruders did a runner, leading to us wrangling with one of them over possession of a bicycle in the driveway. Eventually he gave up and left without the bike.

At the time my entire focus was on a) delaying him for the police to arrive or b) keeping something they might be able to identify him from. If I am honest with myself there were probably aspects of wanting to enforce /some/ sort of consequences on him for his actions against "our turf" and other less salubrious emotions as well behind those goals. Inwardly and outwardly I was using the justification that the bike was probably stolen as well.

With time for my brain to chew it over though another likely scenario for his determination to keep the bike than the chance it might identify him has presented itself, and it makes me feel like a bit of a heel. Regardless of the facts of the intrusion and that the two were definitely searching the hall looking for stuff that might be worth nicking (we can tell by the way they went through allll the cupboards in the areas they reached); the guy was clearly someone who doesn't have a lot of good things in his life and putting the /unfoundedly assumed/ provenance aside it is a fairly nice bike. We had no right to rip that away from him. It's a mark of my own middle-class privilege that I thought it so justifiable.

Heck it may even have been a legitimately borrowed bike, in which case the consequences of our (my) actions are falling on someone completely undeserving. But I am not going too far down that hypothetical (and metaphorical) rabbit hole, it actually serves no purpose.

Anyway now I feel I want the opportunity to apologise to him and return the bike (which has been recorded by police and we have no further use for any way). It is very unlikely that I will get that opportunity so it will have to join the small hill of other regrets and skeletons in my mental closet.

What I can do is /better/ in the future. I was absolutely expecting my privilege and his lack of to protect me from any legal consequences to what were arguably illegal actions on my part, although were those consequences to come I am prepared to face them. But I was also letting it help blind me into treating another person as an other, an enemy, not due rights or feelings.

This would not be the first time I have let this happen, but it is the time I have become cognizant of it. It ... is not ever a comfortable feeling confronting the flaws in ones character. But if I am really trying to be the sort of person I claim to be trying to be I need to own it and work on fixing it.
marsden_online: (Cat Yarn)
Over the past couple of weeks I have spent quite a lot of time gardening one way and another. Whether helping out a friend, digging out a tree stump (two more to go) and filling my now enlarged green bin with weeds and rubbish from my own garden, harvesting some of the the still-present potato population or yesterday an intensive working bee at the Hall I have laid to rest the concerns about an apparent drop in stamina which sent me to the Dr before Xmas.

spade, hole and tree stump
I dug a thing!



I have also acquired a substantial number of blisters, scrapes and scratches on my hands and forearms, and some sunburn. There has also been the luxury of being able to collapse after each period of activity. In fact once the New Year Blues lifted my activity pattern has pretty much been bursts of energy and motivation followed by equal periods of lethargy and exhaustion. There has been a lot of napping.

A few other things I have accomplished:
- baking bread (gluten-free, from a sourdough "bug" gifted by a friend)
- standing desk (previously posted)
- hosting my now-annual bring-a-thing for charity boardgaming day. Attendance was (disappointingly #ifIamhonest) lower this year than previously but I think that was mostly a co-incidence of timing. Normally it would have been a week or so later.
- several enjoyable outings with small groups of friends, myself specifically invited rather than the broadly invited parties and such which make up most of my socialising
- A variety of cleaning tasks around the house, but these have taken a back seat to the gardening.

For all the bursts of energy I still have a list of things I would like to get accomplished this holiday that have not been reached. I have not completed the prep for the next arc of the game I am running on Sundays; indeed I have managed barely any. (A small relief that tonights game was cancelled after two players could not make it, giving me another week and time today to among other things have a nap and write this post. Which will make 12 tasks crossed off todays todo list alone.) There are still gardening and annual cleaning tasks to be done (some of which are years overdue all ready ...). There are still several books I had planned to take time to read. More blog posts to be written.

Tomorrow I am cutting my holiday short by a week and returning to work early to deal with matters arising for one of my current major projects and another regular project which I have been on-called to deal with this past week. Given the state of things when work closed for the Xmas break I was half-expecting this to be the case so I am not mentally unprepared. I don't expect to be doing my full-time hours, just what is needed for these projects so I will still have "spare" time to schedule getting things done in, but it will be back to scheduling rather than the free-flow approach which has seen me be (what feels) so productive over the last few weeks.

I hope to be able to springboard off this time into a routine which sticks with me for the year, if I can keep myself from wanting and attempting to do all-the-things at once. Especially as the days get shorter again. I know my level of success at this has been mixed in all previous years and am not entirely confident.
marsden_online: (BlueDragon)
Most people are probably aware that over the past going on 24 hours NZ has been hit by another series of major earthquakes starting at very just after midnight Sunday/Monday. I had not long gone to bed when it hit so after about 10 seconds of "aftershock" and then ~ 1:20 minutes of "nope, crap, that's a BIG quake inland just getting here" and some minutes on FB checking that no-one in Christchurch itself was reporting major issues I went off to sleep, thus not seeing the tsunami warning and evacuation notices (which didn't affect me anyway) until checking again during a wake around 4am. I figured if anyone needed transport or to shelter at my place I would get a message or txt directly so I slept for another few hours, starting the day feeling not significantly tireder than usual. That wasn't to last.

Fortunately I had already booked the day off work to recover from attending a 48 hour charity event over the weekend (more on that below). The first hour or so I spent touching base with various people by FB and phone before starting on my pre-existing chores list. I didn't get through as much of this as hoped - a somewhat overdue cleaning of the bathroom leaving me physically exhausted and attempting to set the ball rolling on a safety inspection of the Hall further soaked up energy. I eventually spent 2-3 hours napping - in part to shut down some nervous energy and generalised anxiety - before setting out to help a friend with transport and hugs, do the grocery shopping and after a simple dinner deliver some care packages. (One of which had already been on my to-do list but which under the circumstances I bulked up a bit more ;) ) I could tell that I probably shouldn't be driving well before I got home, and if I wasn't waiting for a better time to take my meds I would be back in bed already.

~~~
Friday / Saturday I spent about 24 hours total at SAGA's now-annual 48-hour gaming event to raise money for charity (this year AVIVA). I'll just copy and paste from my FB statuses here ...

---
Saturday 4:30pm
Plays so far:
Colony Wars (obliterated by Daniel Starky's base spam strategy)
Thurn & Taxis (resounding win)
Dominion w. Prosperity (barely last but a long way from the winner)
Broken Eagle the Learned Nano who Combines Words of Power is about to set out into the world of Numenera in search of greater knowledge.

Saturday 10:50pm
After Numenera finished off for the day with a game of Tiny Kingdoms. Didn't do particularly well but probably OK for a first time.
I'd liked to have stayed longer but it is patently obvious that it would be a very bad Idea. If I can get a good sleep tonight I may be able to stay later tomorrow night.

Sunday 3:20am
Didn't get to games until after 2pm but then stayed somewhat longer than expected. Still 3am is no later than I get home from a good party. Cat seems unimpressed by my long absence.
Plays today (pretty sure I have forgotten something)
Tiny Epic Kingdoms
Settlers of Catan
DC Heroes
Colony Wars
Zombie Dice
Biblios
Kingsburg
Seven Wonders
Istanbul (new)
---

... preliminary reports are that we raised well over $1000 if everyone comes through on their pledges. I enjoyed myself - overly much so without really realising it, on the Friday in particular which left me stuck in bed until much later than I had planned on Saturday. I did spend more time and energy than I had hoped taking the lead in deciding on and teaching games; the teaching not so much of a problem (I was actually recommended, to my face, and later even messaged thanks for the fun time someone had as a result). I also made sure one person who probably otherwise would not have made it but I knew would benefit greatly from getting out of the house got both there and home.

As always I experienced more downtime between games than I would have liked, but I had gone prepared for that also with things to do.

Sunday afternoon (you noticed the status update at 3:20AM above?) was spent on a few chores and Sunday evening instead of my usual game we chilled and watched Guardians of the Galaxy which a couple of our members had missed at the theatre. (I am really enjoying the new projector.) I actually went to bed feeling uncommonly relaxed and happy ... and then the quake hit.

~~~
That has filled in the time nicely; shortly I will be abed and hopefully will feel much better in the morning. Because otherwise I am /not/ looking forward to work tomorrow.
marsden_online: (Sisters)
When I first started intending to write this post it was as good news. That was a couple of weeks ago when I had leveraged cat-sitting for a friend into sufficient motivation to get out of bed at a good time in the morning several days in a row. I had also taken the week off gaming at SAGA to be home with cats which actually freed up 8-10 hours of time; some of which I spent working from home (light stuff) but much of which was just pressure-free. It is notable how much lighter I felt just not feeling that I "needed" / was expected to be at gaming those nights.

it's all downhill from here )
marsden_online: (Default)
The past week continues to have been positive for getting out of bed with or before the morning alarm and putting in max work hours (with still slow, but quality code output) and otherwise being productive / playing quite a bit of FreeCiv and a very busy evening of board games on Tuesday.

Granted with one thing and another the only reason the green bin was filled to go out was that Wednesday gaming was called off, and at the end of Friday I was feeling pretty had-it; but I also despite a small-hours-bedtime rolled out of bed promptly on Saturday energised to tackle weeding and forking over the vegetable garden. I did get sidetracked for a couple of hours crossing minor outstanding tasks at the computer off the (physical) to do list but then I did get the whole vege garden done over the course of several more hours. It pretty much wiped me out physically for the rest of the day, but I had nothing else on :)

After this post I am intended to go out and fill up the green bin again [I got distracted and went out and started before posting and then there was a Hall call; finishing] that will be the limit of my physical activity for the day. I deliberately opted to return to the cosiness of bed this morning aware that it was probably a mistake; my current lethargy indicates that it was but at least provides reinforcement for staying up next time. (Monday is my allowed "sleep in" day and today is a Public Holiday, Labour Day, to boot which is why having to spend more of yesterday (Sunday) than I would have liked at the Hall was less of an imposition than it could have been).

Speaking of, one area where I am /not/ feeling the motivation to continue by my ownsome is Hall maintenance; this was uncomfortably clear on Thursday and again yesterday when I had quite a bit of downtime there but only managed to summon the energy to attend to a couple of very minor patch up tasks off a much longer mental list of things I could and "should" do. Much of the rest of the time was actually spent just sitting in the car zoned out or on the verge of nodding off. Still save for organised working bees the Hall calendar is currently empty for now and there is only one enquiry sitting in the inbox; which has reduced to fewer than 10 active items.

Another thing which has taken up some time is that my motivation to write has returned although so far this has mostly been expressed by engaging in a couple of online debates (as preserved in recent posts). My backlog of intended posts, gaming write-ups and promised essays seems less formidable than it did, but is still going to take time to get to / through.
marsden_online: (skull)
Th last few weeks at work I have been grimly working my way through the projects in my queue to reach the point where it does (should) not matter if I take a significant chunk of time off to try and recharge. Finally that day is here, and yesterday informed the rest of the office that next week I will be away.

I'm not convinced they wouldn't have been finished sooner had I taken time off sooner and gone back to them. I have not been functioning at my best.

Theoretically that would give me 9 days of Freedom. Of course even though other events have freed me from my Russian lesson and from the Hall for this weekend Hall bookings have already built up from the next weekend and I have not been able to deny two visits during the week. (This week been was /supposed/ to be mostly free of the Hall but was no quieter than usual in part because apparently even when it is another group's domain I have to be /told/ every time they do something differently from what they told "us" to start. Next week is unlikely to be different.) Already it starts to feel like too much of the time is going to be spent on other people not myself.

And how am I going to spend time on myself? Closing loops mostly. The garden is in desperate need of attention, as are a number of other tasks around the house. I have at least 4 journal posts bugging the back of my mind, one of which is probably going to take a whole afternoon of introspection and re-reading over the source material. There are dozens of articles backlogged in my feed reader. My Sunday game is at the point where I need to put in some proper advance prep. There is a long-lapsed family project I need to get back to.

Some of these activities are (probably) therapeutic; they are all intended to lift some of the weight that holds me down every time I open my eyes in the morning and see the daily routine looming before me with no opportunity to address them. But they will hardly count as resting or relaxation.

For that I kind of have planned FreeCiv and some dead-tree reading. I hope to go out and maybe gently social with some people. I will probably stay in bed until after midday one day and just see how long it is my body wants to sleep.

Hopefully in there somewhere I will recover some juice. Because right now I can't even visualise what that would feel like let alone hat could do it.
marsden_online: (Sisters)
After work on Friday I firmly set aside all work worries and as many others as I could for the next 3 days the better to enjoy (and recover from) the 48 Hour party.

Unfortunately the main effect of that seemed to be the creation of a void which was quickly filled by older angst bubbling back to the surface again.
mostly downs with a few ups for variety )
This post has been me trying to set aside all the old crap again so I can maybe sleep and then focus on work tomorrow.
marsden_online: (skull)
when everything goes just not quite right and you just start failing to cope.
Negativity dump )
marsden_online: (BlueDragon)
This Queens Birthday was a much needed break from work but not particularly rejuvenating. On the one hand it was Buckets of Dice weekend and I had carefully avoided putting my name forward to run anything supposing (correctly) that I would be pretty wiped out after a month with two programmers away from work and would have had no time to prepare. This theoretically left me free to apply my (minimal, as those I gamed with on Saturday can attest) brainpower to board gaming. Saturday in particular was expected to be free of Hall-related interruptions. It was not to be.

I'm not going to type out the whole saga but multiple of my Saturday games (which, as mentioned, I had precious little brain and spoons for) were interrupted by phone calls and txts related to people randomly deciding they would turn up to the Hall /then/ contact us and see if they could be let in to take photos. There was a flow-on effect to this which meant it also happened again today (Monday) causing me to be able to play one fewer game than I would have otherwise. Some damage overnight on Saturday also caused me to stay behind after a (booked) tour Sunday afternoon which may have caused me to miss someone who stopped by BoD specifically to see me :( (But who left chocolates and literal spoons in my mailbox today anyway <3 ). And again today a short-notice (but at least made last week) request for access to the Hall to retake some photos for a project saw me sacrifice a games worth of time in the morning.

The games which all this was interspersed with were nevertheless good and I even won several of them. I was introduced to ... four? new games one of which I had considered purchasing from the sale table just for the art on the box and another which had it been on the Games Depository stall I probably would have bought / will buy next time I am deliberately spending money on such things. I only once found myself in a game with someone I really prefer not to play with if possible and many times in games with people I preferentially play with.

I did not even try to take photos this year, not even of the usual excellent LARP costumes (and there were two flagship LARPs this year to boot). I just did not feel the effort was worth it.

I have marginally improved brain/spoons over each day but I'm still not looking forward to the rest of this week. For tonight: the next thing I am doing is making for a really early bedtime.
marsden_online: (Sisters)
Last night was not well restful. I had (woke from) three very emotively charged dreams (plus lesser-charged segues) and had one of those instances where you hop out of bed to go to the toilet and discover one side of your body has forgotten what balance is.

Dream the first: Anger/Rage
The first of two dreams featuring the Hall; this one followed the now familiar course of people going in uninvited and then giving me the run-around while my phone refused to dial 111 (in one instance it actually dialled only to drip the call in favour of answering one from M about something less than helpful which resulting in me shouting down the phone at him for a bit.

I don't think anything in that dream ever got resolved but the frontage did somehow get pruned, although this involved a tree (conifer, of which there are none there - but neither is the steep hillside it was on) falling onto Riccarton Road and endangering traffic.

Dream the second: Sadness / helplessness
The first dream mostly took place around the motel wing (with several extra floors) and the garden; after an awake period it sort of picked up again with going into the managers residence and finding it had been quietly overrun with homeless people. Packed 20-40 to a room, Chch earthquake insurance/nobuild* refugees mostly. There was filth, there were flies, there hopelessness, helplessness and illness. Somehow I managed to get media attention drawn to the situation (I don't know how, the dream skipped to finishing showing a reporter around and the worse cases were in the process of being moved out to ambulances.
This dream left me with a feeling of deep sadness.

* nobuild - the rebuild which hasn't eventuated

Dream the third: Attachment
My last for the night and coming after a few other, shorter but still emotionally turbulent episodes segued out of an animated fish swimming olympics (where the winner "won" by being almost lapped then swallowed by his larger competitor only to bust back out of his gullet at the finish line to win by a nose) through
a desperate run through a post-apocalyptic trail / unused subway / mine / partly working forge and factory trying to avoid or fighting off the brutal / murderous / cannibalistic survivors and gangs which had claimed various areas. At some point a cyborg was introduced to the dream who later went crazy and full-on war-machine bloody slaughter - the dream shifted to the future where she had calmed down a bit;gained control of the factory and used her knowledge and it's facilities to create impressive war-machine bodies for a number of other serious wounded women (men only got basic cybernetic replacements) .
[No I haven't seen Fury Road yet except for the trailers, I've even managed to avoid spoilers, I'm hoping to go on Thursday]
Anyway she and I had become a thing and I would much rather have stayed in that future wasteland with her; mostly metal body serious psychological issues and all; than have to wake up again here.

I wish I had time to go deeper into why all these things are so important to me, but I have little time and still have to do that for the one from night before last (next post). For those who know me well the connections are probably all clear anyway.
marsden_online: (Rage)
Last night (well this morning) I had dreams of epic length even by my standards. The sort where your bladder drags you out of bed midway for a toilet break, but that is only a temporary escape. The content was not pleasant either.

long post is long )
marsden_online: (Blueknight)
Looking back it has been a year of ups and downs - but overall ups. Despite some pretty tough patches I'm in a much better place emotionally than I was this time last year.

Freeze frame )
marsden_online: (Ghostfighter)
It's been over two months since I posted anything about life in general which wasn't dumping angst. So here's a less-transient-than-facebook record of some events.

Hall )

kitty )

gaming )

dentist )

other stuff )
marsden_online: (BlueDragon)
If I have been a bit quiet on here recently it has been because life has not been letting up, over and above my tendency to overcommit. So here are few things from the past little while.
~~~
cat )
~~~
productive Saturday )
~~~
111 excitement )
marsden_online: (BlueDragon)
It's been about a fortnight since my last entry. Sometimes that means life is going really well and I just don't have time to update. This time it means life is a bit of a slog and I haven't even really had the energy to think about updating.

I clearly overdid things far more than I thought in the lead up to my trip - since then my ability to get out of bed in the morning has plummeted as have my work hours (although the quality of my work in those hours is I think better than in the longer hours I was pushing through previously), and the amount of energy coping with the Hall sucks has ballooned. There seem to be an unusually high number of people expecting that I can arrange something there for them at short notice right now; fortunately M has been available to be on site weekday afternoons.

Last night there was an o-ghod-oclock-am alarm which I barely managed to drag myself out of bed to attend (doors open, no-one found), and then failed to get any meaningful sleep for the rest of the night*, dragging myself out of bed with just enough time to throw clothes on and grab the makings of breakfast to take with me as I headed out the door to open up for a groups of film students at 10am. I eventually ate [brunch] about 11 sitting on the patio steps in the sun but my body was already telling me my physical reserves were at the point of exhaustion, and then I spent the next hour or so pulling weeds. By the time I made it home about 2pm I managed a drink and a banana before falling back into bed for a few hours; from which I awoke not particularly refreshed. (A shower and dinner have since helped to some extent.)

* I was asleep enough to dream - a very long dream about the hall (which had grown another 2 dormitory wings and various other rooms) being overrun without permission by hundreds of people doing some sort of Zombie Walk event at the same time as the Red Cross were attempting to do an exercise there. In some scenes it was hard to tell who were the exercise victims and who were the "zombies" especially as the latter while generally well-behaved kept ignoring the instructions not to go into the areas the Red Cross had set up for their exercise, and I had friends who were involved in both (which the dream gave me several hugs from; the only positive point). The alarm clock woke me up just as I had spotted "zombie" people actually making their way / breaking into the managers residence and my feelings of helpless anger were peaking.

And tomorrow still has an ever-increasing list of things which will need doing.

~~~
There have been some positive experiences in the past couple of weeks - gaming is going well on both nights and last night I hung out with a friend for dinner and an introduction to Firefly which I have so far avoided except as a wash of pop-culture; only because I don't tend to watch things by myself.

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