Engaging

Sep. 3rd, 2015 10:14 pm
marsden_online: (BlueDragon)
Monthly psych appointment today. Although I seemed to spend most of my time talking around in circles around a knot I can't identify one good question was raised;
What is the difference between the way I engage with activities which will benefit other people and those which will benefit me?

This is in relation to the way I can get myself out of bed with just enough time to get through my morning routine and to work with just enough time to make the amount of hours I need to do for the day to contribute to my weekly target-ish (even allowing for other commitments later in the week) or to get to the Hall /just/ before a booking or to make an appointment on time;

but I cannot even force myself out of bed an hour or three hours earlier to make the time I could use to
- exercise;
- or work on any one of a number of languishing but theoretically rewarding projects (a number of which will also benefit other people, but there is no urgency);
or even get the household chores done before they become /necessary/;

even though I feel wide awake in body and mind at that time (and remember I'm stuck spending 10-12 hours a day in bed for no apparent reason, that's a /lot/ of lost time).

The psych described it as sounding something like an internal game of chicken; the part of me that wants to stay in bed / not deal with the world against the part of me that wants to get things done; but that metaphor doesn't usefully ring true to me.

What is true is that getting out of bed does inevitably lead to things which consume more energy than they deliver reward. Work or Hall, often. Hall emails and related matters, on a daily basis. The gradual erosion of my faith in humanity / my faith in myself (not that staying in bed actually helps with that last /at all/).

Still you'd think that having planned "this good thing" to do to start the day would counteract that to some extent. Nope. Better unhappy drifting in and out of pseudo-oblivion than being active with that feeling of impending doom? If it isn't a commitment which somehow involves another person I am stuck. (Using the word involve rather than benefit because appointments eg I had a dentist appointment yesterday to fix up a filling - no problem getting out of bed in plenty of time.)

So I guess you could rephrase the question:
What is the difference between the way I commit to activities which will involve/benefit other people and those which will mainly benefit me?

And actually I have no trouble with committing to things with a clear and immediate ongoing benefit eg aforementioned dentist appointment (I only chipped the tooth over the weekend).

So there is a definite cost/reward dynamic in effect. Wonky though they are I care more for my teeth than, know better than (and yes, can afford better than) to let a gaping hole remain in one of them even if it is not currently discomforting.

Situations where the main benefit to me might be that "I feel better" however are a different thing. I am "terrible" at discounting my own enjoyment of life against even the convenience of others; and I have the whole "good of the many outweighs the good of the one" complex going on. (Oddly enough I never class myself as one of the "many"...)

Discounting the value of future benefits against the value of immediate gains/losses is of course a well studied aspect of human behaviour.

Here's one possible answer:
- The benefits to others are usually clear and concrete. If I do this thing, at this time, this persons life is made easier / happier.
- The benefits to myself are usually uncertain. I'll achieve this thing, but there is "no urgency" (in a life full of other things clamouring for my attention can I just shut one of them up for a while?). It will still be there tomorrow and the day after and the day after ...). I'll (probably) feel good about having done it, but the feeling will be fleeting and will it really be worth the investment from the energy I have available to me right now?

If I had a crappy life perhaps I would weight things which bought pleasure to /me/ higher. But I have a good, comfortable life. The things I can do to look after / entertain / bring pleasure /to myself/ are easily accomplished and frankly provide little reward. And therein perhaps lies another clue - with "limited" energy reserves, why spend them on something which is not materially going to improve my well being? Fundamentally completing the project / doing the thing becomes just. more. work.

Work (the paying kind) is probably worth a tangent here as that is after all what five days out of seven I eventually drag myself out of bed to go and do. Work is a slog and has been for some weeks. I do not have the energy to push myself to finish an ongoing project any quicker than the much-longer-than-it-ought it is taking. I sense if I try I will actually crash and burn again. I need a holiday, but not as much as I "need" (want, am stubbornly determined) to clear my projects list first.

Work has become something I am doing primarily because income. I enjoy the coding, but if I wasn't coding at work I would probably be doing so for my own projects. If I lost the income ... I really don't have a plan B beyond "eat the house" until "something comes along". This is perhaps my greatest anxiety.

Getting back to the point (if there is one)... So anything which strongly resembles work - in subject matter or in process - automatically comes with some feeling of exhaustion attached. And that includes the majority of my outstanding projects and things which would normally be considered recreation such as reading a book or watching media (I deal with text and screens /almost all my waking hours/).

I know picking up an exercise regime would do me the world of good immediately and long term but I lack the willpower to get started. Just to add another hurdle the fact that I "should" be exercising also triggers a small internal rebellion.

Trying not to angst ... and failing ... I crave the distractions of pleasurable company - but that is not something I can /give myself/ and my history with trying to seek it out consists overwhelmingly of failure.

Have I answered the original question in all that? Maybe. Am I any closer to a solution? It does not feel like it.
marsden_online: (Sisters)
After work on Friday I firmly set aside all work worries and as many others as I could for the next 3 days the better to enjoy (and recover from) the 48 Hour party.

Unfortunately the main effect of that seemed to be the creation of a void which was quickly filled by older angst bubbling back to the surface again.
mostly downs with a few ups for variety )
This post has been me trying to set aside all the old crap again so I can maybe sleep and then focus on work tomorrow.
marsden_online: (skull)
when everything goes just not quite right and you just start failing to cope.
Negativity dump )
marsden_online: (BlueDragon)
This Queens Birthday was a much needed break from work but not particularly rejuvenating. On the one hand it was Buckets of Dice weekend and I had carefully avoided putting my name forward to run anything supposing (correctly) that I would be pretty wiped out after a month with two programmers away from work and would have had no time to prepare. This theoretically left me free to apply my (minimal, as those I gamed with on Saturday can attest) brainpower to board gaming. Saturday in particular was expected to be free of Hall-related interruptions. It was not to be.

I'm not going to type out the whole saga but multiple of my Saturday games (which, as mentioned, I had precious little brain and spoons for) were interrupted by phone calls and txts related to people randomly deciding they would turn up to the Hall /then/ contact us and see if they could be let in to take photos. There was a flow-on effect to this which meant it also happened again today (Monday) causing me to be able to play one fewer game than I would have otherwise. Some damage overnight on Saturday also caused me to stay behind after a (booked) tour Sunday afternoon which may have caused me to miss someone who stopped by BoD specifically to see me :( (But who left chocolates and literal spoons in my mailbox today anyway <3 ). And again today a short-notice (but at least made last week) request for access to the Hall to retake some photos for a project saw me sacrifice a games worth of time in the morning.

The games which all this was interspersed with were nevertheless good and I even won several of them. I was introduced to ... four? new games one of which I had considered purchasing from the sale table just for the art on the box and another which had it been on the Games Depository stall I probably would have bought / will buy next time I am deliberately spending money on such things. I only once found myself in a game with someone I really prefer not to play with if possible and many times in games with people I preferentially play with.

I did not even try to take photos this year, not even of the usual excellent LARP costumes (and there were two flagship LARPs this year to boot). I just did not feel the effort was worth it.

I have marginally improved brain/spoons over each day but I'm still not looking forward to the rest of this week. For tonight: the next thing I am doing is making for a really early bedtime.
marsden_online: (Sisters)
Last night was not well restful. I had (woke from) three very emotively charged dreams (plus lesser-charged segues) and had one of those instances where you hop out of bed to go to the toilet and discover one side of your body has forgotten what balance is.

Dream the first: Anger/Rage
The first of two dreams featuring the Hall; this one followed the now familiar course of people going in uninvited and then giving me the run-around while my phone refused to dial 111 (in one instance it actually dialled only to drip the call in favour of answering one from M about something less than helpful which resulting in me shouting down the phone at him for a bit.

I don't think anything in that dream ever got resolved but the frontage did somehow get pruned, although this involved a tree (conifer, of which there are none there - but neither is the steep hillside it was on) falling onto Riccarton Road and endangering traffic.

Dream the second: Sadness / helplessness
The first dream mostly took place around the motel wing (with several extra floors) and the garden; after an awake period it sort of picked up again with going into the managers residence and finding it had been quietly overrun with homeless people. Packed 20-40 to a room, Chch earthquake insurance/nobuild* refugees mostly. There was filth, there were flies, there hopelessness, helplessness and illness. Somehow I managed to get media attention drawn to the situation (I don't know how, the dream skipped to finishing showing a reporter around and the worse cases were in the process of being moved out to ambulances.
This dream left me with a feeling of deep sadness.

* nobuild - the rebuild which hasn't eventuated

Dream the third: Attachment
My last for the night and coming after a few other, shorter but still emotionally turbulent episodes segued out of an animated fish swimming olympics (where the winner "won" by being almost lapped then swallowed by his larger competitor only to bust back out of his gullet at the finish line to win by a nose) through
a desperate run through a post-apocalyptic trail / unused subway / mine / partly working forge and factory trying to avoid or fighting off the brutal / murderous / cannibalistic survivors and gangs which had claimed various areas. At some point a cyborg was introduced to the dream who later went crazy and full-on war-machine bloody slaughter - the dream shifted to the future where she had calmed down a bit;gained control of the factory and used her knowledge and it's facilities to create impressive war-machine bodies for a number of other serious wounded women (men only got basic cybernetic replacements) .
[No I haven't seen Fury Road yet except for the trailers, I've even managed to avoid spoilers, I'm hoping to go on Thursday]
Anyway she and I had become a thing and I would much rather have stayed in that future wasteland with her; mostly metal body serious psychological issues and all; than have to wake up again here.

I wish I had time to go deeper into why all these things are so important to me, but I have little time and still have to do that for the one from night before last (next post). For those who know me well the connections are probably all clear anyway.
marsden_online: (BlueDragon)
Jotted in my Fb this morning:
Feels stuck in a holding pattern destination unknown.
This is not doing any for the areas of my life which require me to be self-motivating. Which is having flow-on effects for others ...

The area in particular is work where I am managing closer to minimum hours than maximum; which means that projects I am working on are not being delivered as quickly as they might (should) be; which must flow on to the client's perception of the company.
I am managing good periods of focus - the hours I am at work are being well spent and the work I am doing at present is challenging and a learning experience. But I might describe it like a favoured food - it's still not something you want to eat every day. This is in comparison to a staple food, which you can have for e.g. breakfast every day. As my source of income I really need to be able to chew through work every day.

Planning to do other things before work isn't helping; do things (housework, writing) before work and I am afraid I will be out of spoons before I get there. The result is I cannot be bothered getting out of bed until not only is it to late to do whatever I had planned but too late to get to work at the time I would like to (not that I am achieving that with any regularity anyway).
Scheduling things after work is a little better; but the usual pattern is I am a little less late than usual and work harder down to the wire where I have to leave.

Before work also usually means someone at the Hall (because for it to be something I have to keep to there have to be other people involved). And for all that many people are enjoying their association with that place and I still feel it is where I can make the most difference right now - as a project it's not returning/achieving what I'm looking for and I feel hamstrung by others lack of commitment and follow through.

And for all it feels like a holding pattern objectively most areas of my life are progressing nicely.
- Gaming continues to be excellent, with the recent, possibly temporary; addition of non-junk-food/meals to my mid-week game making it feel less like a group of over-aged teens and more like a group of actual grown-up friends socialising (this is a new experience).
- A deposit is down for solar panels to be added to the house, measurements taken and it is currently at the design stage; I don't mind if it's stalled there as I wasn't originally budgeting to initiate the project until next spring/summer.
- by my maths I will finish paying off my student loan this month and be properly debt-free - plus an effective pay rise of some tens of dollars a week.
- even the recent plumbing issues may have a silver lining in that I may discover that the next major project *needs* to be the kitchen; which would simplify certain decision trees.
- I have built a small reserve of money and investments - a long way away from closing off the mortgage aka emergency fund or living off the interest, but it feels those might one day be possible.
... if I can keep myself working and earning. Back to the start.

There's a little ... verse I found running around in my head in the car on Monday -
"Want to make a difference;
need the resources to make a difference;
back to working in an attempt accumulate the resources;
will I ever have enough to to make that difference?"

Relapse

Mar. 16th, 2015 09:50 pm
marsden_online: (Sisters)
I am trying to take this week easy, not because of any lack of things to do but because my emotional energy levels have reached critically low levels. To the point where last evening I found myself lying in bed enraged and repeatedly rehearsing responses to a completely hypothetical situation generated by my own brain.

I had not even noticed that was a thing which had /stopped/ happening as I got "better".

crash )

~~~
In unrelated positive news, installers will becoming around tomorrow morning to measure up my house for solar panels.
marsden_online: (Sisters)
The past couple of weeks have been absolutely flat out with beginning-of-University-year events and other occasions, trying to complete a major project at work, and sundry disappointments. I have really been feeling very low throughout and only this week have I managed to overcome the spoon-and-time-debt enough to almost catch up house-and-garden chores. At the moment I don't actually have any unscheduled time until Saturday at the earliest.
disappointments )
marsden_online: (BlueDragon)
I was planning to spend this evening writing. I have a backlog 4 or 5 gaming-related posts in mental draft. This is none of those posts but is the one I have found the energy to write.

My journal has been quiet lately but life has been busy. I am now in 3 games a week (DMing a new story in my Broken Kingdoms setting as well as playing in the two campaigns I am journalling). Russian lessons have resumed. Work has started back busy and for the most part I have been putting in numbers of hours which I consider good. This week I started training a new hire straight out of study - this is somewhat of a new (and learning) experience.

I have literally been cleaning house - freed up much space in the hallway wardrobe by by taking the accumulation of obsolete appliances (VCRs, CRTs etc) away for recycling and last weekend I finally hired a truck and cleared the 20+ years of accumulated junk out of the garage and back shed. They feel ... kind of empty, but in a good way I guess.

This included the washing machine which blew its circuit board (again) at the end of January. It was only 10 months since the last time and I had the money "spare" so I bit the bullet and purchased a new one (ex-display, commercial model, good power and water efficiency ratings (for a washing machine)). Spent more than I intended to but expect it to have a long life under domestic conditions. I also replaced the lounge suite which while in as-new condition when it came with the house 20 years ago had seen hard use by gamers over the years, with several broken springs and other metal poky bits where the covering had worn through at the corners. I have replaced that with a cheap trade-in 2x2 + 1 suite as a bit of an experiment in space usage that I can flick on with no remorse if it doesn't work out.

It was a pretty big effort coming off the back of a very full work-and-other-things week (very grateful that D. turned up to help out) and I've been paying for that this week I guess. Emotionally I'm feeling pretty shattered and weak right now. Other contributions to this include hall dramas and stepping up as emotional support for various friends.

This coming weekend I am in Wellington for a wedding - flights mean it looks like I'm going to have a lot of downtime (like maybe all of Sunday). I am taking my Russian notes with me and maybe I will find the inspiration to actually start those other posts.
marsden_online: (Rage)
Last night (well this morning) I had dreams of epic length even by my standards. The sort where your bladder drags you out of bed midway for a toilet break, but that is only a temporary escape. The content was not pleasant either.

long post is long )
marsden_online: (BlueDragon)
Four weeks is up and well, it hasn't ended on a high note. But most of the time I have spent feeling relaxed and just doing things at an OK pace - although a look back at FB for a record of my activity over the past couple of weeks suggests that may in part be a retrospective illusion. I feel simultaneously much more and much less prepared/ready/willing to be back at work tomorrow, but I'm sure I will re-adjust quickly. This year pretty much everything is set for building the future rather than paying off the past.

I'm really writing this to set down the positives and achievements of the past four weeks. Of note I spent a lot less time feeling uninvited and unwanted than usual, although I did also find a "new" computer game to bury myself in for some of that time.

The one event I did host myself, a gaming day collecting goods to donate to BirthRight didn't fire as well as I had hoped, but there were still over a dozen people attended and we got a banana box full of donations which were gratefully received.

The major Xmas/New Year break tasks got completed (in no particular order)
- cleaning the kitchen (paid someone to do the bulk of it)
- weeding the gardens and massively pruning the hedges (again some of this I paid someone else to do, and my parents helped)
- reducing my backlog of technical and gaming articles to read (RSS and email subscriptions) to practically zero (with a determined push this last week)
- archiving last years emails (and changing(ish) email programs from the Opera browser/combo to the dedicated Opera mail)
- wrapping up the last 12 months accounting and moving away from my spreadsheet system of the past decade
- clearing one of my dead-tree to-read piles.

I am mostly caught up on my gaming logs, kind-of-helped by several sessions not reaching critical mass over the break. I have completed preparations for the next campaign I will be running and this is in fact the only thing in which I feel ahead of the ball rather than just up to date. Less helpfully (for the moment) ideas for another two future campaigns have also coalesced, but they can sit on the shelf for a while.

I did not spend anywhere near as much time at the Hall as I thought I might have; I have mixed feelings about this. On the whole though it doesn't bother me; we've had a pleasant lull in both enquiries and intrusions over the holiday period this year and there is no /more/ work that needs doing down there now than there was at the beginning of the period.

On the flip side one thing that bothers/disappoints me is the amount of time I spent sleeping (or napping) especially during the days; and the amount my dreams suggest I /really/ don't need this much sleep. I had planned to develop an exercise habit instead but only managed a couple of walks around the block. (Cleaning and gardening exhausts notwithstanding). I hope it is just a depression-equivalent of the way over tense muscles sometimes have to twist all the way back and out of shape in the other direction before relaxing into their normal healthy place. With few other commitments / pleasant distractions I have greatly allowed my brain (or whatever) it's way over this.

Coming full circle to the beginning of the post today is the one day I had made absolutely no plans for expecting it to be a low-impact and pleasant spacer before the return to work. It has indeed been impacted by lows - the lows of loneliness and boredom and frustration/irritation at having to cope with multiple weather-induced false alarms at the Hall and related insignificant trivia. The weather has been meltingly hot which hasn't helped - but wouldn't have been a factor had I managed to find something better to take my mind off "if only"s and "what if"s than sprawled in bed reading or trying to doze away the blues but repeatedly roused/interrupted by alarm notifications.

I hope the work year starts in a better fashion.

Bleg

Jan. 12th, 2015 11:12 am
marsden_online: (Cat Yarn)
Last week "on holiday" which means I need to start coaxing my body clock back into something more suited to work hours. This basically means getting out of bed at a reasonable time and setting myself to do things over the day.

Each time I try to list the things which need doing it rapidly balloons out of control, so I'm restricting the length to three significant items at a time. Which of course means so far today I have simply made headway on a fourth ... and fought off the desire for a late-morning nap.

The desire for more sleep this week can probably be partially attributed to the fact that I have pushed myself to exhaustion four of the past seven days - wedding on Monday, mass pruning on Thursday*, serious housecleaning on Saturday and hosting board games on Sunday.

* along with losing my phone when dumping the prunings at the refuse station, which led to some hours of stress. Karma paid back however and M called some contacts at the council and got permission to go in and look for it - once fence-climbing mission later and it was right where I thought it would be, although you needed to be within a couple of metres to hear it ringing from under the rubbish.
marsden_online: (BlueDragon)
Tomorrow is my pre-Xmas psych appt and if it's not to be a waste of time and money I need to have something more defined to talk about than "I felt really crap at the end of last month but things have picked up and are looking up for the next few weeks".

Lets split that into its two parts.

I felt really crap at the end of last month (beginning of this month)

Life didn't *suck*, but it was *dragging*. Getting out of bed in the morning was regularly not happening until after 9 or 10, even with fairly regular 10pmish bedtimes, and afternoon naps were also frequent. I was managing my work hours and gaming and some Hall commitments but little else.

What I did identify this time is while I had/have plenty of *incentives* to get out of bed (in the way of chores to complete) I lack(ed) any *imperative*. Once I got going work hours and other commitments would get done. The ever-growing list of chores and other non-urgent things I might abstractly /want/ to achieve was an immobilizing weight.

Looking back at my journal though it appears I felt a *lot worse* this time last year.

Things have picked up and are looking up for the next few weeks

The last few weeks I've been gradually improving on the getting-out-of-bed, things done and to work earlier. My time at work hasn't increased much (although enough to show in my weekly pay) but has generally become more productive with improved focus (although "early" starts almost invariably seem to result in about 20 minutes spent nodding off in front of the computer after 30-60 minutes). Today is my third such day this week (and in a row), *imperative* supplied by
- a present-buying mission to be completed after work on Monday
- as it's the last week of work I pretty much *have* to finish the code I am working on this week and maybe even manage some documentation.
- a dental appointment today (and the need to complete my desired hours of work around it)
-- I'm hoping that the psych appt will have a similar effect tomorrow although this evening I collapsed into a (much interrupted) nap after I got home and it is going to be a late bedtime by the time I finish this post.

In the process (over the past three weeks) I have accumulated enough time (or perhaps managed to eschew enough commitments) that the backlog has been reduced to reasonable pre-Xmas levels (weight lifted) and I've found time to relax (as close as I get anyway). I am going into the Xmas holidays feeling not-completely-run-down for the first time in years. (Although I fully expect to spend much of next week in "crashing now" mode anyway.)

Interestingly I can pinpoint the exact point at which I started getting excited again - being asked to quote on a significant new chunk of work for one of "my" clients at work. This was probably the biggest single quote I've written up (just on my time) and we have been provided with a pretty good outline of what they want by the client so I was able to break it down and write it up much more clearly than many past projects. Work will start as soon as I get back next year, another reason I have to have the code I am currently working on finished this week. That was however the same week my body got a forcible reset on the Monday due to a dawn Hall alarm.

I get four weeks Xmas/NY holiday this year which will be interesting. The three weeks I usually take generally leaves me feeling like I needed "just one more week" after recovery and then festivities to actually get the things I wanted to do done.

Dear diary

Dec. 8th, 2014 10:17 pm
marsden_online: (Cat Yarn)
Recording quite a surprisingly pleasant weekend. Somehow I found myself under pretty much no pressure to be anywhere or do anything which led to a lot of napping and a surprising amount of productivity in between
- picking up an Xmas present for the elder niblings
- some significant reading
- going to a party and dancing early and hard (which in retrospect may have been a bit of a mistake as it contributed to my fading off home early)
- some significant hedge pruning
- Some minor stuff at the Hall on Sunday - not what I had sort of planned due to the weather completely sapping my enthusiasm for the outdoors but cleaned up some glass indoors and emptied the water containers while photographer etc did their thing.
- catching up on writing game logs (several hours of writing there)

The reading and the writing in particular were aided immensely by finally managing to come up with a comfortable arrangement for sitting up in bed with either book or laptop. (This may in future also result in more media watching). Time spent out of the "office" and away from the preponderance of possible "to dos" on the main computer is good for me.

~~~
Today was also quite unusual - a Hall alarm at 5:15am (unusual time, unusual day), pretty much just on dawn meant by the time I got home again there was little point in going back to bed even though I had only managed 4-5 hours broken, dream-filled sleep (probably due to all of the aforementioned napping). This led to
- doing a load of laundry
- six fairly productive hours at work
- washing the dishes
- vacuuming

At this point I had to take a nap because while I could have pushed myself to do the next thing on the list it would not have been done well and it would not have been good for me I woke up with enough energy and more importantly determination to pick up momentum again.

- mopped the floors -> bringing me up-to-date on the household chores
- cooked a good dinner which will double for tomorrow night
- caught up the accounts (and discovered my recent foray into Bonus Bonds is starting to pay out - must make a separate spreadsheet to track ROI on that)
- dug up some information about our power usage and emailed it off to one of the companies I am talking to about Solar (and probably the one I am going to go with).
- made a dear diary post :)

I'd like to think I'll be able to get a good nights sleep and an early start for an equally good day tomorrow but as I remember all too well from the start of last week, that's actually probably going to prove pretty arbitrary and random.
marsden_online: (Sisters)
I can say yesterday was a good day. On about 6 hours sleep (I sleep wayyy to much anyway) I somehow was out of bed and stayed out of bed at a fairly early hour over my body & brain's protestations. I had planned to spend the morning writing but instead somehow pruned a chunk of hedge, mowed the lawns, and completed several smaller chores before a midday lunch and over to the hall for a half-hour vigorous grubbing of thistles and some pruning before first roleplayers and then a photographer and crew turned up.

Some explanation: I had (reluctantly) arranged to be at the Hall for the photographer, and the DM for our Wednesday game had a week off and was keen to run an extra session. Since the weather was theoretically going to be fine and I wasn't keen on twiddling my thumbs around the hall for 3 ½ hours I saw the opportunity to cross "game at the hall" off the bucket list.

The weather was not as warm as it could have been on the day before summer (pity the models) but we still managed to have a good time I think.

I got home a bit later than I would have liked, had a nice burger for dinner and still had just enough left in me to process the weekend party photos. Crashed into bed before 9pm looking forward to waking up early and having an equally productive day today.

Slept solidly, woke up around 7 ... with completely no ability to get out of bed. A long list of things which need doing (see below); several of which I want to get done; but absolutely no capacity to act on those desires on my own accord. Eventually my bladder forced me out of bed a little after 10am.

That's 3 hours in which I could have completed any of
- update my AU spellsheet to output Markos' new 3rd level spells and Zediz'r's new 4th level spells
- write up the next "On the Road" (as I continue to fall behind)
- persuade the flatmate to excavate ~ the last two weeks of dishes from his room so they could be washed, and washed them

Those 3 things all sort of needed to be done today (because Tuesdays are invariably completely taken by work and gaming and the backlog will just get worse come Wednesday evening's session). I will still have time and spoons to complete /one/, probably the least necessary, after I have eaten tonight.

Alternatively I could have caught up of the hall stuff I am failing to find the motivation to push (eg overdue working bee) or managed a "full" day at work and been home to complete one or more of these things in the evening. I haven;t even been very good at getting out of bed for work the past couple of months - I haven't lost *all* the progress I thought I had made but my performance has not been stellar.

It's not even that I don't want to go to work either because I do, it's just that
...
despite all the reasons I lie there listing to myself about why I should be getting out of bed
...
none of them "do it" for me.

And yet Sunday, when I could have stayed in bed for more hours and it wouldn't have mattered, My system was suddenly "Bam. lets get stuff done". And I /know/ that when I get up early I have good days and get stuff done. I have a lot of stuff I /want/ to get done even though I'm wondering about the point of some of it.

It's like I've forgotten how to can.
marsden_online: (BlueDragon)
That life has eased up enough that my system is trying to let out and work through the bottled up stuff. But it still hurts and it feels like a) there will be no end and b) were I to give in to the urge to just open up and let it all flood out I would be literally torn open.

So this led to me spending the last 3-4 hours stuck in bed being dragged around the dark playground by the instant gratification monkey thinking about the things I want and need to get done over the next couple of days and weeks instead of actually getting up and getting started. I could have completed several in that time.

So that I can start crossing things off: my to do list for the next little while

Today (preferably) or tomorrow

Laundry
Dishes
Lawns
Clean bathroom (the room - ceiling, walls, bath)
Photo gallery from last nights party
Initiate contact with solar installers 2 & 3 about getting quotes (ended up being 4 or 5)
Start coding self-contained webpage (ie all calculation powered by javascript) for generating quick-start character sheets for a D&D 3.5 game
Complete writing up Dragon Country scenario
Finish reading EPH

Tomorrow (preferably) or Monday

Spend a few hours at the Hall spraying weeds and putting window covers back up
Photo gallery from tonights party
Write up the last two sessions of the (now) Wednesday game (On The Road)
Grocery shopping
Continue coding

Next weekend (so far)

Photos from next Fridays party (here)
Complete coding (leaving a week to generate materials before Minicon III: 48 hours of Charity)
Review and rewrite Kobold Keep mini-campaign
Spend a few hours at the Hall spraying weeds and putting window covers back up
marsden_online: (BlueDragon)
Ref this OotS comic . Also disclaimer for wee-small-hours rambling.
~~~
personal blah )

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