marsden_online: (Ghostfighter)
On Tuesday evening I had the opportunity to play in a one-shot of Numenera with a group of people I don't have the pleasure of gaming with very often. I've heard about the system on-and-off and I was suitably impressed with it in play; immediately encouraging of a descriptive style of play, very simple mechanic, setting deals neatly and explicitly with the natural player tendency to "now-ise" everything. Would pick up and run.

Busana the Intelligent Glaive who Explores Dark Places* and her two companions Roderick the Foolish Glaive who Stands Like A Bastion and Future Steve 17 the ? Nano who Exists Slightly Out of Phase were drawn into a "game" wherein an inimical race were plotting a public massacre of several locals.
* Recreation of the character I am currently playing on Wednesdays in an Arcana Unearthed campaign - system which was coincidentally also authored by Monte Cook.

Things I Have Not Done Before in a game included
- discretely emptying a "love poison" potion around the roots of a plantlike creature acting as a receptionist to gain her favour and expedited access to the Aon Priest we hoped had information which would help us.

- persuading an NPC that the reason his husband was lying on the floor goaning and bleeding out his ears was because he was going to imbibe too much "counterwise wine" at the event he had received an invitation to.

- having to dodge an "Instant Boat" being created in the air above the final combat (and special mention to Roderick who "stood like a bastion" and caught one end of said boat as it fell to give myself and Future Steve 17 a better chance of getting out of the way).

The final battle was a nail-biting and near-thing as our characters were underpowered for the scenario, and more than once it looked like we were doomed to lose. We only managed to interrupt and limit the massacre rather than prevent it completely, and Busana nearly perished but after the final opponent was subdued Future Steve 17 was able to make use of a convenient first aid kit to restore sufficient health that she was able to limp tail-and-ears-high out to the cheering crowds.

~~~
On the way home from the game I nearly ran over a bunny just around the corner from home - a pale tan mini-lop with dark brown ears which ran straight at the car. A grey smush-faced companion hopped out of a nearby drive while I was trying to earn the first's trust enough to catch it so I was able to go and bang on the door (just before midnight) until the owners came out to herd them back to their hutch.
marsden_online: (skull)
Th last few weeks at work I have been grimly working my way through the projects in my queue to reach the point where it does (should) not matter if I take a significant chunk of time off to try and recharge. Finally that day is here, and yesterday informed the rest of the office that next week I will be away.

I'm not convinced they wouldn't have been finished sooner had I taken time off sooner and gone back to them. I have not been functioning at my best.

Theoretically that would give me 9 days of Freedom. Of course even though other events have freed me from my Russian lesson and from the Hall for this weekend Hall bookings have already built up from the next weekend and I have not been able to deny two visits during the week. (This week been was /supposed/ to be mostly free of the Hall but was no quieter than usual in part because apparently even when it is another group's domain I have to be /told/ every time they do something differently from what they told "us" to start. Next week is unlikely to be different.) Already it starts to feel like too much of the time is going to be spent on other people not myself.

And how am I going to spend time on myself? Closing loops mostly. The garden is in desperate need of attention, as are a number of other tasks around the house. I have at least 4 journal posts bugging the back of my mind, one of which is probably going to take a whole afternoon of introspection and re-reading over the source material. There are dozens of articles backlogged in my feed reader. My Sunday game is at the point where I need to put in some proper advance prep. There is a long-lapsed family project I need to get back to.

Some of these activities are (probably) therapeutic; they are all intended to lift some of the weight that holds me down every time I open my eyes in the morning and see the daily routine looming before me with no opportunity to address them. But they will hardly count as resting or relaxation.

For that I kind of have planned FreeCiv and some dead-tree reading. I hope to go out and maybe gently social with some people. I will probably stay in bed until after midday one day and just see how long it is my body wants to sleep.

Hopefully in there somewhere I will recover some juice. Because right now I can't even visualise what that would feel like let alone hat could do it.
marsden_online: (camera)
A couple of weekends ago I pulled out my camera to take photos at a party and it wouldn't quite cam. Focusing and everything but wouldn't make the final connection; also the zoom would only in regardless of which direction the toggle was pushed.

Since the previous outing had been in the rain (TPPA protest) the natural assumption was water damage. Bowl of rice plus hot-water-cupboard* over the next week did not help nor did disassembling it as far as I dared and putting it back together so this Monday I took it in to a professional.

Verdict back today: probably not the switch but something gone in the shutter assembly. Nigh impossible/uneconomic to get parts for now.

Looking back I see I purchased the Olympus in May of 2005. At that time even as an end-of-line it was still a very good camera, particularly the 10x optical zoom. I never had significant reason to be dissatisfied with it (my level of skill perhaps, but rarely the camera).

Fortunately I had anticipated something of the sort and also headed to the mall on Monday to scope out possible replacements. I knew the first two of my requirements, megapixels and zoom, would be easy to meet. The 3rd requirement however left me with only one option as I was determined to have a camera which could take AAs not be tied to bespoke batteries.

Said option conveniently happened to be on clearance. I now have a "plum"-coloured (quite nice shade of metallic dark purple) Nikon Coolpix L830. It is probably just a step up from a compact and has nowhere near the amount of settings that the Olympus had, but I didn't make use of those much anyway. I anticipate that improvements in auto-setting technology will simply provide better photos without the years of trial and fiddling it took me to get a reliable Marsden-purpose configuration. it is slightly larger and heavier but still fits (snugly) into my existing carry bag.

The change comes with some sadness. My camera related activities are a fairly large part of my life; and of who/what people perceive me to be. My camera feels like an extension of me in a way that other mechanical peripherals do not. In some ways now that I must move on I find it holds a place more like say a pet than a tool.

But fruitless sentiment aside: here's to another 10 years.

~~~
* "a bowl of rice in the hot water cupboard" is another piece of folk wisdom which technology is moving past. If you have an oldish water cylinder which leaks heat; sure. My newish hot water cylinder is sufficient well insulated that it does /not/, hence the hot water cupboard is not significantly warmer than the room beyond, and being at the less-used end of the house is reliably cooler at this time of year than eg the office unless the fire is going.

Engaging

Sep. 3rd, 2015 10:14 pm
marsden_online: (BlueDragon)
Monthly psych appointment today. Although I seemed to spend most of my time talking around in circles around a knot I can't identify one good question was raised;
What is the difference between the way I engage with activities which will benefit other people and those which will benefit me?

This is in relation to the way I can get myself out of bed with just enough time to get through my morning routine and to work with just enough time to make the amount of hours I need to do for the day to contribute to my weekly target-ish (even allowing for other commitments later in the week) or to get to the Hall /just/ before a booking or to make an appointment on time;

but I cannot even force myself out of bed an hour or three hours earlier to make the time I could use to
- exercise;
- or work on any one of a number of languishing but theoretically rewarding projects (a number of which will also benefit other people, but there is no urgency);
or even get the household chores done before they become /necessary/;

even though I feel wide awake in body and mind at that time (and remember I'm stuck spending 10-12 hours a day in bed for no apparent reason, that's a /lot/ of lost time).

The psych described it as sounding something like an internal game of chicken; the part of me that wants to stay in bed / not deal with the world against the part of me that wants to get things done; but that metaphor doesn't usefully ring true to me.

What is true is that getting out of bed does inevitably lead to things which consume more energy than they deliver reward. Work or Hall, often. Hall emails and related matters, on a daily basis. The gradual erosion of my faith in humanity / my faith in myself (not that staying in bed actually helps with that last /at all/).

Still you'd think that having planned "this good thing" to do to start the day would counteract that to some extent. Nope. Better unhappy drifting in and out of pseudo-oblivion than being active with that feeling of impending doom? If it isn't a commitment which somehow involves another person I am stuck. (Using the word involve rather than benefit because appointments eg I had a dentist appointment yesterday to fix up a filling - no problem getting out of bed in plenty of time.)

So I guess you could rephrase the question:
What is the difference between the way I commit to activities which will involve/benefit other people and those which will mainly benefit me?

And actually I have no trouble with committing to things with a clear and immediate ongoing benefit eg aforementioned dentist appointment (I only chipped the tooth over the weekend).

So there is a definite cost/reward dynamic in effect. Wonky though they are I care more for my teeth than, know better than (and yes, can afford better than) to let a gaping hole remain in one of them even if it is not currently discomforting.

Situations where the main benefit to me might be that "I feel better" however are a different thing. I am "terrible" at discounting my own enjoyment of life against even the convenience of others; and I have the whole "good of the many outweighs the good of the one" complex going on. (Oddly enough I never class myself as one of the "many"...)

Discounting the value of future benefits against the value of immediate gains/losses is of course a well studied aspect of human behaviour.

Here's one possible answer:
- The benefits to others are usually clear and concrete. If I do this thing, at this time, this persons life is made easier / happier.
- The benefits to myself are usually uncertain. I'll achieve this thing, but there is "no urgency" (in a life full of other things clamouring for my attention can I just shut one of them up for a while?). It will still be there tomorrow and the day after and the day after ...). I'll (probably) feel good about having done it, but the feeling will be fleeting and will it really be worth the investment from the energy I have available to me right now?

If I had a crappy life perhaps I would weight things which bought pleasure to /me/ higher. But I have a good, comfortable life. The things I can do to look after / entertain / bring pleasure /to myself/ are easily accomplished and frankly provide little reward. And therein perhaps lies another clue - with "limited" energy reserves, why spend them on something which is not materially going to improve my well being? Fundamentally completing the project / doing the thing becomes just. more. work.

Work (the paying kind) is probably worth a tangent here as that is after all what five days out of seven I eventually drag myself out of bed to go and do. Work is a slog and has been for some weeks. I do not have the energy to push myself to finish an ongoing project any quicker than the much-longer-than-it-ought it is taking. I sense if I try I will actually crash and burn again. I need a holiday, but not as much as I "need" (want, am stubbornly determined) to clear my projects list first.

Work has become something I am doing primarily because income. I enjoy the coding, but if I wasn't coding at work I would probably be doing so for my own projects. If I lost the income ... I really don't have a plan B beyond "eat the house" until "something comes along". This is perhaps my greatest anxiety.

Getting back to the point (if there is one)... So anything which strongly resembles work - in subject matter or in process - automatically comes with some feeling of exhaustion attached. And that includes the majority of my outstanding projects and things which would normally be considered recreation such as reading a book or watching media (I deal with text and screens /almost all my waking hours/).

I know picking up an exercise regime would do me the world of good immediately and long term but I lack the willpower to get started. Just to add another hurdle the fact that I "should" be exercising also triggers a small internal rebellion.

Trying not to angst ... and failing ... I crave the distractions of pleasurable company - but that is not something I can /give myself/ and my history with trying to seek it out consists overwhelmingly of failure.

Have I answered the original question in all that? Maybe. Am I any closer to a solution? It does not feel like it.
marsden_online: (Blueknight)
Although my relatively comfortable position in life is due at least as much to good fortune as to good planning / hard work I like to believe that an organised approach to managing my money helps maintain the state of affairs and bolster it against future misfortune.

One of the things I do is typically set aside some time Monday evening to pay any bills that have come in over the past week and make any other movements which are required. Sometimes this rolls over to Tuesday but rarely longer and I will often pay a regular bill as soon as the scheduled transaction pops up in GnuCash; but I don't open that every day. (I have also discovered that enabling 2-factor authentication on my internet banking (which everyone should do, if you haven't already) discourages me from logging in as often and encourages this sort of batch processing.)

To a lesser extent Friday but Friday is also payday and I kind of like to let that money sit in my account for the weekend.

This is particularly relevant today because today had a very big invoice (scheduled in two parts because transaction limits) paying the next instalment on my home solar panels, which were installed on Friday [happy dance].

2.6kw

This also means I am back to paying off a mortgage because the installation happened a little earlier than I originally intended. Yay having an open revolving credit facility for such occasions. (The revolving bit is important - if you don't pay it off it's not revolving.)

Since I really don't enjoy being in debt[1] I'm going to be a bit more cautious with my spending over the next few months. Fewer dollars to random good works and charity, more self restraint on impulse buys, and hoping no more crowd-funded investments (my only expensive vice at present) come up that I really want to get into.

That's more flippant than serious; I will "borrow to invest" in this fashion but only because I am confident of being able to re-earn the amount quickly. As the saying goes "don't lend what you can't afford to lose". I call crowd-investing a (personal) vice because it is putting significant amounts of money into limbo with no guarantee of when or if it will come back; very high risk for someone with normally a very conservative risk profile. I do however select the companies I invest in based on the principle that even if they fail, they will have added something to society in the process. [Eg cleantech, medtech, social enterprise].

In a similar fashion (and this has been a frustration throughout the process of researching, quoting and having installed) I'm not concerned about "payback" time on my solar installation, nor on the expansions planned to come. All the installers are like "Oh you don't want to install any more that you need for personal use; the electricity companies aren't paying enough to make your money back". I'm like "dammit, I don't need to make my money back, I'm spending money that I have to spend."

The energy companies can have my surplus for free if it means other electricity user get to pay that little bit less. Think outside your goddamn pocketbooks people!

~~~
[1] I know very few people who claim to enjoy being in debt, but several who claim that despite their dislike of it going into debt to get the things they want and then having to pay it off is the only way they can maintain financial discipline. I can sort of see where they are coming from, but it's like peeking into an alien dimension.
~~~

This post hasn't quite gone in the direction I intended but I'll leave it here and hopefully retain the enthusiasm to make another sometime soon.
marsden_online: (Sisters)
After work on Friday I firmly set aside all work worries and as many others as I could for the next 3 days the better to enjoy (and recover from) the 48 Hour party.

Unfortunately the main effect of that seemed to be the creation of a void which was quickly filled by older angst bubbling back to the surface again.
mostly downs with a few ups for variety )
This post has been me trying to set aside all the old crap again so I can maybe sleep and then focus on work tomorrow.
marsden_online: (skull)
when everything goes just not quite right and you just start failing to cope.
Negativity dump )
marsden_online: (BlueDragon)
This Queens Birthday was a much needed break from work but not particularly rejuvenating. On the one hand it was Buckets of Dice weekend and I had carefully avoided putting my name forward to run anything supposing (correctly) that I would be pretty wiped out after a month with two programmers away from work and would have had no time to prepare. This theoretically left me free to apply my (minimal, as those I gamed with on Saturday can attest) brainpower to board gaming. Saturday in particular was expected to be free of Hall-related interruptions. It was not to be.

I'm not going to type out the whole saga but multiple of my Saturday games (which, as mentioned, I had precious little brain and spoons for) were interrupted by phone calls and txts related to people randomly deciding they would turn up to the Hall /then/ contact us and see if they could be let in to take photos. There was a flow-on effect to this which meant it also happened again today (Monday) causing me to be able to play one fewer game than I would have otherwise. Some damage overnight on Saturday also caused me to stay behind after a (booked) tour Sunday afternoon which may have caused me to miss someone who stopped by BoD specifically to see me :( (But who left chocolates and literal spoons in my mailbox today anyway <3 ). And again today a short-notice (but at least made last week) request for access to the Hall to retake some photos for a project saw me sacrifice a games worth of time in the morning.

The games which all this was interspersed with were nevertheless good and I even won several of them. I was introduced to ... four? new games one of which I had considered purchasing from the sale table just for the art on the box and another which had it been on the Games Depository stall I probably would have bought / will buy next time I am deliberately spending money on such things. I only once found myself in a game with someone I really prefer not to play with if possible and many times in games with people I preferentially play with.

I did not even try to take photos this year, not even of the usual excellent LARP costumes (and there were two flagship LARPs this year to boot). I just did not feel the effort was worth it.

I have marginally improved brain/spoons over each day but I'm still not looking forward to the rest of this week. For tonight: the next thing I am doing is making for a really early bedtime.
marsden_online: (BlueDragon)
The vague blog-silence has not, this time been because things have been going well. Rather it is because mornings have pretty much been ceded to the depression. Although my mood is generally OK I am now consistently spending 10-11 hours a night/morning in bed, generally only finding the impetus to emerge about 10am (consistently, which is something). This has resulted in a massive reduction in the amount of time I have available to do anything, with
- work getting all the weekday afternoons (and sometimes as far as evenings when I have no other commitments),
- gaming three evenings plus prep time (you will have noticed that the logs are on hiatus ...),
- the Hall a few hours even on a quiet week (and we haven't had one of those for a wee while, even though our number of sensors as been further reduced the incidence of alarms is up /and/ there are a steady stream of photography requests)
- the essentials of living, keeping up with the world and social events squeezed in around the edges.

A fairly substantial head cold last week during which I worked from home*, when I could brain to, certainly has not help. I'm still shaking off / coughing up the dregs.
* made my minimum hours without burning my last half-day of sick leave; through the joy of statutory holidays.
Despite this I have managed to make small progress on a couple of ongoing "projects" and not take on any new ones (that come to mind) although there is one which is definitely noted down for later exploration.

Against that, positive things which my FB wall tells me have happened over the past month:
... Not a lot really. It's mostly a stream of links; many about what could be fixed in the world; some about more positive happenings.

Some definite wins in gaming especially in the Sunday game where the PCs accidentally released "Duke Vlad of Dracul" (completely mummified fellow with an interesting dental condition) from centuries imprisonment in a sealed catacombs. (Players' expressions totally worth it.)

Less of a win my first-in-all-my-years-gaming in-campaign attempt to kill another PC (but he deserved it).

Going to be an uncle again, youngest sister and her husband.

Contact from ECan after a submission I made, soliciting another one on a different plan. Nice to feel wrote something worthwhile.
marsden_online: (BlueDragon)
Jotted in my Fb this morning:
Feels stuck in a holding pattern destination unknown.
This is not doing any for the areas of my life which require me to be self-motivating. Which is having flow-on effects for others ...

The area in particular is work where I am managing closer to minimum hours than maximum; which means that projects I am working on are not being delivered as quickly as they might (should) be; which must flow on to the client's perception of the company.
I am managing good periods of focus - the hours I am at work are being well spent and the work I am doing at present is challenging and a learning experience. But I might describe it like a favoured food - it's still not something you want to eat every day. This is in comparison to a staple food, which you can have for e.g. breakfast every day. As my source of income I really need to be able to chew through work every day.

Planning to do other things before work isn't helping; do things (housework, writing) before work and I am afraid I will be out of spoons before I get there. The result is I cannot be bothered getting out of bed until not only is it to late to do whatever I had planned but too late to get to work at the time I would like to (not that I am achieving that with any regularity anyway).
Scheduling things after work is a little better; but the usual pattern is I am a little less late than usual and work harder down to the wire where I have to leave.

Before work also usually means someone at the Hall (because for it to be something I have to keep to there have to be other people involved). And for all that many people are enjoying their association with that place and I still feel it is where I can make the most difference right now - as a project it's not returning/achieving what I'm looking for and I feel hamstrung by others lack of commitment and follow through.

And for all it feels like a holding pattern objectively most areas of my life are progressing nicely.
- Gaming continues to be excellent, with the recent, possibly temporary; addition of non-junk-food/meals to my mid-week game making it feel less like a group of over-aged teens and more like a group of actual grown-up friends socialising (this is a new experience).
- A deposit is down for solar panels to be added to the house, measurements taken and it is currently at the design stage; I don't mind if it's stalled there as I wasn't originally budgeting to initiate the project until next spring/summer.
- by my maths I will finish paying off my student loan this month and be properly debt-free - plus an effective pay rise of some tens of dollars a week.
- even the recent plumbing issues may have a silver lining in that I may discover that the next major project *needs* to be the kitchen; which would simplify certain decision trees.
- I have built a small reserve of money and investments - a long way away from closing off the mortgage aka emergency fund or living off the interest, but it feels those might one day be possible.
... if I can keep myself working and earning. Back to the start.

There's a little ... verse I found running around in my head in the car on Monday -
"Want to make a difference;
need the resources to make a difference;
back to working in an attempt accumulate the resources;
will I ever have enough to to make that difference?"

Relapse

Mar. 16th, 2015 09:50 pm
marsden_online: (Sisters)
I am trying to take this week easy, not because of any lack of things to do but because my emotional energy levels have reached critically low levels. To the point where last evening I found myself lying in bed enraged and repeatedly rehearsing responses to a completely hypothetical situation generated by my own brain.

I had not even noticed that was a thing which had /stopped/ happening as I got "better".

crash )

~~~
In unrelated positive news, installers will becoming around tomorrow morning to measure up my house for solar panels.
marsden_online: (Sisters)
The past couple of weeks have been absolutely flat out with beginning-of-University-year events and other occasions, trying to complete a major project at work, and sundry disappointments. I have really been feeling very low throughout and only this week have I managed to overcome the spoon-and-time-debt enough to almost catch up house-and-garden chores. At the moment I don't actually have any unscheduled time until Saturday at the earliest.
disappointments )
marsden_online: (Cat Yarn)
The weekend started as planned, in that I got to the airport and parked in good time. After that things went a bit awry. It turned out that fog had prevented some earlier flights landing so (at least) three flights /out/ of Christchurch had been cancelled, including mine, due to not having the aircraft available.

elsnippo )
marsden_online: (BlueDragon)
I was planning to spend this evening writing. I have a backlog 4 or 5 gaming-related posts in mental draft. This is none of those posts but is the one I have found the energy to write.

My journal has been quiet lately but life has been busy. I am now in 3 games a week (DMing a new story in my Broken Kingdoms setting as well as playing in the two campaigns I am journalling). Russian lessons have resumed. Work has started back busy and for the most part I have been putting in numbers of hours which I consider good. This week I started training a new hire straight out of study - this is somewhat of a new (and learning) experience.

I have literally been cleaning house - freed up much space in the hallway wardrobe by by taking the accumulation of obsolete appliances (VCRs, CRTs etc) away for recycling and last weekend I finally hired a truck and cleared the 20+ years of accumulated junk out of the garage and back shed. They feel ... kind of empty, but in a good way I guess.

This included the washing machine which blew its circuit board (again) at the end of January. It was only 10 months since the last time and I had the money "spare" so I bit the bullet and purchased a new one (ex-display, commercial model, good power and water efficiency ratings (for a washing machine)). Spent more than I intended to but expect it to have a long life under domestic conditions. I also replaced the lounge suite which while in as-new condition when it came with the house 20 years ago had seen hard use by gamers over the years, with several broken springs and other metal poky bits where the covering had worn through at the corners. I have replaced that with a cheap trade-in 2x2 + 1 suite as a bit of an experiment in space usage that I can flick on with no remorse if it doesn't work out.

It was a pretty big effort coming off the back of a very full work-and-other-things week (very grateful that D. turned up to help out) and I've been paying for that this week I guess. Emotionally I'm feeling pretty shattered and weak right now. Other contributions to this include hall dramas and stepping up as emotional support for various friends.

This coming weekend I am in Wellington for a wedding - flights mean it looks like I'm going to have a lot of downtime (like maybe all of Sunday). I am taking my Russian notes with me and maybe I will find the inspiration to actually start those other posts.
marsden_online: (BlueDragon)
Four weeks is up and well, it hasn't ended on a high note. But most of the time I have spent feeling relaxed and just doing things at an OK pace - although a look back at FB for a record of my activity over the past couple of weeks suggests that may in part be a retrospective illusion. I feel simultaneously much more and much less prepared/ready/willing to be back at work tomorrow, but I'm sure I will re-adjust quickly. This year pretty much everything is set for building the future rather than paying off the past.

I'm really writing this to set down the positives and achievements of the past four weeks. Of note I spent a lot less time feeling uninvited and unwanted than usual, although I did also find a "new" computer game to bury myself in for some of that time.

The one event I did host myself, a gaming day collecting goods to donate to BirthRight didn't fire as well as I had hoped, but there were still over a dozen people attended and we got a banana box full of donations which were gratefully received.

The major Xmas/New Year break tasks got completed (in no particular order)
- cleaning the kitchen (paid someone to do the bulk of it)
- weeding the gardens and massively pruning the hedges (again some of this I paid someone else to do, and my parents helped)
- reducing my backlog of technical and gaming articles to read (RSS and email subscriptions) to practically zero (with a determined push this last week)
- archiving last years emails (and changing(ish) email programs from the Opera browser/combo to the dedicated Opera mail)
- wrapping up the last 12 months accounting and moving away from my spreadsheet system of the past decade
- clearing one of my dead-tree to-read piles.

I am mostly caught up on my gaming logs, kind-of-helped by several sessions not reaching critical mass over the break. I have completed preparations for the next campaign I will be running and this is in fact the only thing in which I feel ahead of the ball rather than just up to date. Less helpfully (for the moment) ideas for another two future campaigns have also coalesced, but they can sit on the shelf for a while.

I did not spend anywhere near as much time at the Hall as I thought I might have; I have mixed feelings about this. On the whole though it doesn't bother me; we've had a pleasant lull in both enquiries and intrusions over the holiday period this year and there is no /more/ work that needs doing down there now than there was at the beginning of the period.

On the flip side one thing that bothers/disappoints me is the amount of time I spent sleeping (or napping) especially during the days; and the amount my dreams suggest I /really/ don't need this much sleep. I had planned to develop an exercise habit instead but only managed a couple of walks around the block. (Cleaning and gardening exhausts notwithstanding). I hope it is just a depression-equivalent of the way over tense muscles sometimes have to twist all the way back and out of shape in the other direction before relaxing into their normal healthy place. With few other commitments / pleasant distractions I have greatly allowed my brain (or whatever) it's way over this.

Coming full circle to the beginning of the post today is the one day I had made absolutely no plans for expecting it to be a low-impact and pleasant spacer before the return to work. It has indeed been impacted by lows - the lows of loneliness and boredom and frustration/irritation at having to cope with multiple weather-induced false alarms at the Hall and related insignificant trivia. The weather has been meltingly hot which hasn't helped - but wouldn't have been a factor had I managed to find something better to take my mind off "if only"s and "what if"s than sprawled in bed reading or trying to doze away the blues but repeatedly roused/interrupted by alarm notifications.

I hope the work year starts in a better fashion.

Bleg

Jan. 12th, 2015 11:12 am
marsden_online: (Cat Yarn)
Last week "on holiday" which means I need to start coaxing my body clock back into something more suited to work hours. This basically means getting out of bed at a reasonable time and setting myself to do things over the day.

Each time I try to list the things which need doing it rapidly balloons out of control, so I'm restricting the length to three significant items at a time. Which of course means so far today I have simply made headway on a fourth ... and fought off the desire for a late-morning nap.

The desire for more sleep this week can probably be partially attributed to the fact that I have pushed myself to exhaustion four of the past seven days - wedding on Monday, mass pruning on Thursday*, serious housecleaning on Saturday and hosting board games on Sunday.

* along with losing my phone when dumping the prunings at the refuse station, which led to some hours of stress. Karma paid back however and M called some contacts at the council and got permission to go in and look for it - once fence-climbing mission later and it was right where I thought it would be, although you needed to be within a couple of metres to hear it ringing from under the rubbish.
marsden_online: (Blueknight)
Looking back it has been a year of ups and downs - but overall ups. Despite some pretty tough patches I'm in a much better place emotionally than I was this time last year.

Freeze frame )
marsden_online: (skull)
and a broken nights sleep for all the wrong reasons which saw me feeling very bleh until lunchtime but thereafter my mood picked up.

Over the day I have consumed 3 main courses two dessert courses and a smattering of extra snacks.

Lunch with family then back to town for a visit to Waifs & Strays and got pleasantly delayed by the Houseplace on the way home.

Loot list for the year: one cookie jar; two collections of gluten-free goodies; and a new set of sheets (super-king can be tricky).

Mood is heading down again might be off to bed to bury my head and hope the fullness of the stomach encourages quick slumber.

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