Aug. 17th, 2016

marsden_online: (BlueDragon)
Monday was a good day. Normally Monday is the day I "allow" myself to sleep in but I had arranged to take two friends to a morning showing of Ghostbusters so I had immutable reason to actually get up. (It still took some effort, but only half an hour after the alarm went off.) After the movie (very good) I was still able to get to work no later than I often have been recently and work solidly through the rest of the afternoon, getting home just in time for gaming. I did not feel unduly exhausted at the end of the day.

Monday was one of those days which prove that I do still have the ability to do a whole day with minimal side effects. I went to bed positive about my ability to springboard off this success to have a productive day Tuesday ...

... and indeed I was up at 7am to go to the toilet and thisclose to staying up. But as so often happens I fell for the same lie from my brain that traps me time and time again; it would be fine to hop back into bed long enough to catch up on the nights happenings using my phone. That would be one thing ticked off the list of things to do for the day, then I would be ready to shower, breakfast etc ...

... and then the usual thing happened and it was after 11am and yet another unpleasant dream by the time I actually managed to drag my frustrated self back out of bed, through the "morning" routine and off to work.

4 hours productivity lost. There are so many of the things I want to get done that just one of could easily have fitted in that time.

Today (Wednesday) wasn't much better for starting, except that I didn't even get out of bed at 7 to go to the bathroom. This mornings dream had a bunch of new unpleasantness for me to boot.

- it was in parts an out-of-control-vehicle dream but where in these dreams I am usually driving my own car this time I had stolen or "borrowed" it. (I was re-parking it somewhere in the vicinity of where I got it from).
- some of the dream I was talking to a counsellor, then running late to get to my usual monthly psych session because of it (via phone half-an-hour after I was supposed to be there we postponed). I do not recall my counselling ever appearing in a dream before.
- some of it I was running down the road / sitting in the pavement crying because I knew the car-stealing thing was so out of character for me and screaming "what is wrong with me?". This is also completely new to my recall.

It was also in parts a
- not having the strength to pull myself up dream,
- a back-at-university and not able to find my timetable / where I was supposed to be dream

There were a few positive bits but they don't seem to have fit into the overall narrative, like side-tracks my mind followed briefly.

Once I got to work today I put in a 7+ hour stint without too much trouble. I've been doing this one or two evenings a week for a while now, on nights I don't have a fixed commitment, staying on until 6:30 / 7 / 8 after getting in after midday. It's the only way I've been keeping my hours up where I want them to be, it's also more proof that I am /able/ to do this much work. I would /rather/ be starting earlier in the day but if my system won't let me it'll just have to happen in the evening.

It's not even that I don't want to be at work. I /do/. There are a /lot/ of projects particularly in-house ones I /want/ to get stuck into. The morning problem seems to be something to do with the whole idea of having to /go/ to work. Like "I'm going to get out of bed and them I'm going to go through this routine and then I'm going to be at work for the rest of the day and that means I'm not going to get anything else done anyway so I'm just going to lie here and get even less done".

(I know trying to work from home won't cut it at this point. That would be a bullet to my work productivity.)

I felt I was making some progress earlier in the year by making morning time me-time for getting things done around the house / off my project list but that fell by the wayside. I'm hopeful I may be able to pick it up again as the days get longer ans my get-up time in the past has been closely linked with the sun reaching a certain point.

I had a morning go-for-a-walk buddy for a while but they are currently a night-owl and much happier that way :)

I've tried setting up mental associations / triggers to stop myself gong back to bed in the mornings if I get up at about the right time; but my brain always seems to find a way around them.

The current drugs presumably are helping with my mood but are not doing anything about my sleep - they may even be making that worse. The previous ones were helping with my sleep but messing with other things to the point that they triggered a physical, emotional and mental rejection. Next month I'll probably ask to try something new (don't want to mess with prescriptions right now; need my headspace to be a known quantity for upcoming commitments).

I do not physically /need/ to be spending 10-12 hours a day in bed. My stamina levels for physical activity have dropped (probably as a a result of, not a cause of), but not that far. I do not /want/ to be spending 10-12 hours a day in bed. It is stopping me doing things I /do/ want to do. It is denying me the chance to enjoy the sunshine for more than the 30 minutes trip to work around midday.

Every night I go to bed hoping, planning, determined to do better the next day. I know I /can/ ... I just don't know /how/.

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